Top 5 questions I get asked about my brother’s addiction & recovery
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Do you always get asked, “How’s your brother?” or “How’s your family?” but rarely, “How are you?”
You’re not alone. In this episode of For Love of Recovery, I share the five questions I get asked most about my brother’s addiction—and the ones I wish people asked instead.
This episode dives into how addiction impacts a sibling bond, family dynamics, understanding different perspectives, and loving unapologetically. It’s not about blame—it’s about being seen.
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[00:00:00] Dominique: These are some of the questions that I get asked a ton about my brother. But these are not always the questions that I wished I got asked about
[00:00:08] Dominique: my brother.
[00:00:25] Dominique: Welcome to FLOR for Love of Recovery, where I'm your host, Dominique Sibling relationships can be so unique, but they can become more complex when there's drug or alcohol use involved. If you find yourself questioning how to help, you're not alone. Every month we bring together stories that empower you to navigate your sibling's addiction and offer a sense of connection.
[00:00:42] Dominique: We also provide fresh perspectives on understanding substance use and how to protect your peace. Join me on this journey in restoring hope and healing.
[00:00:50]
[00:00:58] Dominique: Welcome back to [00:01:00] another episode of For Love of Recovery. Most of my episodes are usually pretty planned out where I'm talking to a guest speaker about a very specific topic or asking 'em to share more about their own sibling experience, having a brother or sister who struggles with addiction. For the last couple of months, I've had this idea about talking about the questions that I don't typically get asked that I wish people would ask me about having a sibling struggling with addiction instead of the questions that I usually get asked.
[00:01:29] Dominique: During one of my therapy sessions, my therapist had asked me a bunch of questions about my brother that I thought were really interesting. They were very thought provoking and they're not necessarily questions that. I normally get asked and I thought, Hmm, if I'm feeling this way, then there has to be other siblings that feel this way too.
[00:01:49] Dominique: I've recently posted in a Facebook group about like an interaction that I had where people are asking me about my brother's current state of addiction, [00:02:00] treatment, recovery, and I feel like I'm never asked about how I'm doing in that process.
[00:02:07] Dominique: One of the first questions that I get asked a lot about my brother or around my brother's addiction is how he's doing and how my mom and dad are doing in the context of his addiction. And I hate this question.
[00:02:21] Dominique: When you have a sibling who struggles with addiction, how they're doing changes on a day-to-day basis. It can be triggered by any little thing, and I feel like my parents can also be very, I hate using this word too, but I'm gonna use it 'cause it feels right, co-dependent. So if my brother is doing really well, then my parents are usually doing really well too.
[00:02:45] Dominique: If my brother is struggling and he's an active addiction, or he's on and off the street, or they haven't heard from him for days at a time, then my parents are not doing well.
[00:02:56] Dominique: As I'm recording this, I think my brother is pretty healthy. [00:03:00] Right now he is in a long-term treatment program and he's been there for just about a month or so, and I have not heard from him, and I love that. Because that means that he's still in treatment and usually he leaves treatment after the first couple of days or the first couple of weeks or so, and he's still there.
[00:03:21] Dominique: So I'm gonna take that as a sign that he's holding on and that he's making it into his first 30 days. or so. As a result, my parents are doing pretty okay. I think they're kind of on edge as am I, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop sometimes. We can call that PTSD. We can call that taking it day by day, but that's kind of where we are today.
[00:03:47] Dominique: So the question, how's your brother and how are your parents doing? It definitely changes. But I would much rather you ask me how I'm doing.
[00:03:54] Dominique: second question that I get asked a lot is, "do you [00:04:00] think your brother is ready... this time?"
[00:04:02] Dominique: That is a challenging question because one, I don't have a crystal ball, but two, you never know when someone's gonna be ready to make a change and anytime they're willing to make a change. I feel like you have to keep an open mind because their behavior might have shown you that they're not ready, but sometimes it takes a little bit of clarity to get to that point.
[00:04:26] Dominique: So do you think your brother is ready this time is not necessarily a question I can answer because we don't really know, and I don't think my brother really knows the answer to that question either.
[00:04:37] Dominique: The other thing that's really important to understand about addiction is that you can have intermittent periods of recovery because addiction is not linear. You don't go from using substances every day to being sober for the rest of your life. That might work for some people, but that's typically not the case, and I think to hold someone to that expectation is [00:05:00] really challenging.
[00:05:01] Dominique: So it could be that, that person is sober for a couple of days, a couple of more months, a year, or a much longer period of time, but it can't be with the expectation that they'll never relapse because then you're hoping that this is gonna be the last time that they ever struggle with drug or alcohol use.
[00:05:21] Dominique: When my brother has made a change and taken that first step to seek out recovery, whether it's willingly or because my parents were encouraging him to do that.
[00:05:33] Dominique: He genuinely did wanna make a change, whether it was for himself or for, someone else. My brother has always said, when I tell you that I want to do something, or when I'm promising you that I wanna do this thing or that I'm gonna do this thing in the moment I mean it.
[00:05:50] Dominique: However, that moment can quickly come and go as they're worried about something else, or the craving or urge to use drugs or [00:06:00] alcohol takes over them, then that becomes the priority. But when my brother is ready to make a change, he's ready in that moment. I think the hard part is understanding that that period of being ready can quickly dissipate.
[00:06:14] Dominique: So in short, do I think my brother is ready this time? I don't know. But what I do know is that this is the longest period of sobriety he's ever had, and the longest period of time that he's ever been in in treatment. So for today, that's a win.
[00:06:34] Dominique: Another question that I get a lot. Especially from people who don't have a family member or loved one struggling with addiction is have you tried blank? And this question is really triggering because there are a lot of things that my family has tried, and I think the assumption in that question is that we haven't done enough.
[00:06:57] Dominique: So for me, have you tried blank? It [00:07:00] kind of sounds undermining and accusatory.
[00:07:02] Dominique: And It also implies that you have a better suggestion. But " have you tried doing something else?" Means that we have some form of control around my brother's drug use. And the reality is we don't. We might be able to influence and support, and. maybe control things for the moment, but the reality is we don't have much control over his actions and whether he chooses to continue using or maintain his sobriety. The only thing we can really do is decide how we're gonna show up and support, and what we're gonna do for ourselves.
[00:07:40] Dominique: If you've listened to the podcast, you might know that I've gone to Nar-Anon on and off for the last, like two years or so, and one of the things that we talk about is this concept of "tough love."
[00:07:53] Dominique: Part of that narrative is this idea of cutting a loved one off and hoping that [00:08:00] by distancing yourself from 'em, they will seek out recovery or quote, hit their rock bottom, which is another term that I really despise.
[00:08:09] Dominique: A while ago, someone had made a comment to me that if I quote cut off my brother, then I will be doing something that I haven't actually tried. And that might be the thing that forces him to seek out recovery or quote, save his life. Whether my brother is using drugs or not, I'm always going to love him and I'm always going to try a way to support him. And that doesn't mean to stop him from using drugs. It just means meeting him where he's at.
[00:08:38] Dominique: But I've done things that a lot of parents probably have, look for my brother on the street, track his phone when he did have one, my parents have called up drug dealers and hoped that that would actually stop him from using or cut off his relationship with 'em so that way, you know, he's not using drugs, but they're, they're a dime a dozen.
[00:08:57] Dominique: So just because you're not getting [00:09:00] drugs from one person doesn't mean that they're not gonna get the drugs from the next person.
[00:09:04] Dominique: If there's a will, there's definitely a way.
[00:09:06] Dominique: We've tried driving my brother to rehab and dropping him off just to find out that there has been instances where he's never even walked through their door.
[00:09:14] Dominique: I've gone to court with him. I've reached out to social workers for him. And the reality is if the person is not willing to make a change on their own, then there's very little that you can do except just support them in the process and remind them that there is resources for them. Remind them that you would be there for them and, and just remind them to never give up.
[00:09:42] Dominique: The fourth question that I get a lot is what do you think led to his addiction and why do you think your brother uses substances? That's a loaded question. I'm not gonna get into all of the details, I don't think there's a black and white answer as to why someone uses substances. What I am [00:10:00] convinced of is that there is a lot of pain and suffering that they are trying to deal with and trying to cope with.
[00:10:08] Dominique: Growing up when we were kids, my brother was always the class clown. He was always making everyone laugh. He was super affectionate, loved being the center of attention, and just being a fun kid overall. But he's kind of like an onion. If you peel back all those layers. I've always noticed that my brother was a little on edge, like he never felt a hundred percent comfortable in his skin and making other people laugh and being funny was his way of feeling like maybe he was fitting in or that he was, I guess good enough.
[00:10:43] Dominique: Something that I've talked about, and I wanna respect my parents' privacy. I think There was this power dynamic of my mom operating like a single mother for a long time.
[00:10:53] Dominique: In an effort to help my brother through school and social life and a lot of [00:11:00] other things that came up for him, my mom did things for him that took away his ability to make decisions for himself. And I'm not blaming her. She was doing the best she could with the resources and time and emotional wherewithal that she had to help him.
[00:11:17] Dominique: I think my brother had a hard time experiencing consequences and learning from his mistakes because my mom and I as an older sibling were always there to pick up the pieces for him.
[00:11:28] Dominique: As he got older, I think he had a hard time building up his own sense of self-confidence and he sought out relationships, people and experiences that made him feel like he was smart enough, cool enough, good enough.
[00:11:48] Dominique: Because my brother started using substances at a very young age. I don't think he ever really developed the ability to learn how to self-regulate. He started using [00:12:00] substances, give or take in middle school, so around, let's say 13, 14 years old, and he'll be 21 in a couple of months. So that's about seven-ish years.
[00:12:11] Dominique: So he's never really had the chance to grow up with this adult brain without using substances and give himself a chance to develop and find new skills and new outlets and new communities and friends, outside of the context of using drugs.
[00:12:29] Dominique: So coming back to that question, what do you think led to his addiction? I don't think there was one circumstance or one specific action that led to it. I think it was a culmination of experiences in childhood over the years where he struggled with his identity and, substance use became a way to feel good, rid of the pain and find people that enjoyed the things that he did too.
[00:12:57] Dominique: And this is not the case for everybody, [00:13:00] but my brother got caught up in the legal system, which has actually been a blessing for us. He's been involved in drug court and.
[00:13:10] Dominique: One of the questions that I get asked a lot " if he's in treatment that's issued through drug court, does that mean that he can't leave a treatment or rehab?" And the reality is, at least where we live, being in drug court doesn't mean that you are required legally to complete that program. I know you would think that it would be required, but because my brother is not deemed, mentally unstable or mentally unfit to oversee his own decisions, and he's not in an institution, he's deemed healthy enough where he can make these decisions, understand the consequences, and decide if he wants to be in a drug court as an alternative to, incarceration.
[00:13:54] Dominique: So that means you go to drug treatment under the [00:14:00] understanding that if you leave, there will be legal consequences for you on the other side. So that does not mean that my brother is handcuffed to a rehab, that he can't walk out the front door if he wants to.
[00:14:12] Dominique: So going back to my first question around how's my brother doing? That actually makes it more validating why he's still in rehab because he does have the physical capability to walk out if he chose to, but he has not, and I'm gonna keep hoping for his recovery and him staying there.
[00:14:29] Dominique: These are some of the questions that I get asked a ton about my brother. But these are not always the questions that I wished I got asked about my brother.
[00:14:38] Dominique: The first question that I wish people asked me is, what do I love most about my brother? For me, I absolutely love his humor. I love his affection, and I love his spontaneity. He's such a curious kid and I have so many fun stories about him that I wish I had a chance to [00:15:00] share more. And I feel like a lot of the times when I'm asked about him, it's always in the context of something negative or in the context of his substance use.
[00:15:08] Dominique: The other thing I love about my brother that him and I actually have in common is our ability to read a room. Both of us have always been hyper aware of other people's emotions, including our parents and the people that we care most about. I recently heard the term "fawning," which is like when you're reading the room, not because you just have this emotional intelligence, but because you've kind of been hyper aware and forced to be in survival mood from like an early age and read the room on what other people's emotions are.
[00:15:37] Dominique: I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing, but it's something that I love most about him because we can instantly look at each other when something's happening or someone says something and just like connect over it and laugh and understand what exactly we're both feeling.
[00:15:54] Dominique: The second question I wish people asked me more that they don't is [00:16:00] how has my brother's substance use impacted our relationship? If you have a sibling, then you know how special that bonds can be, however. I feel like there's been instances where my brother has been barely recognizable from who I remember him as, and that's something that's been really scary.
[00:16:16] Dominique: I'm 10 years older than my brother. So when he was a kid I was in my late teens, early twenties, and I kind of took in on this like second mom role where I would haul him around and take him to do things and you know, show him cool things.
[00:16:32] Dominique: But we also had that typical like brother sister relationship where we got on each other's nerves. When his drug use really spiraled and it started, there was a lot of fear. So a lot of our relationship evolved from laughing to arguing and me being, more of like a parent who is operating out of fear.
[00:16:52] Dominique: I think that resulted in me double downing on being worried about where he's at, what he's [00:17:00] doing, who he's with, whether he's high or not, and being angry about how my parents were or weren't responding. I started to blame him for a lot of the issues that we had in our family and my brother was not the reason for why we had those issues.
[00:17:18] Dominique: His behavior was one of the symptoms of the issues in our relationship and in our family.
[00:17:24] Dominique: I became hyper consumed by his drug use and wanting to " help" or "fix him" and ensure his sobriety.
[00:17:32] Dominique: I became more of a parent than I did a sister, and I think I lost sight of our relationship.
[00:17:39] Dominique: Everything that I did and said was rooted in love, but it was primarily rooted in fear of what would happen if he continued using drugs or if he died?
[00:17:49] Dominique: A couple of months ago, my brother and I was reflecting on our relationship and he said to me, Dominique, I felt like I couldn't necessarily talk to you about everything [00:18:00] because you felt more of like a second mom to me.
[00:18:03] Dominique: I think over the last couple years now that I've had a little bit more awareness, and now that he is in his twenties, I feel like we're starting to figure out what it means for us to be just siblings and not to have this parent child relationship dynamic.
[00:18:19] Dominique: I don't necessarily know what it means to just be a sibling, and I'm starting to figure that out.
[00:18:25] Dominique: I want people to understand the power of a sibling bond. I feel that there's nothing like a sibling bond because you guys grew up maybe in the same household or with the same parents or in a similar environment and childhood, and they're the ones that really know you best and who have seen what you've seen and can understand and relate to it better than anybody else could.
[00:18:50] Dominique: So when the sibling is the one who's struggling with that addiction, there's a level of care that you have that is insurmountable to [00:19:00] anything else. For me, I kind of felt like I owed this to my brother because I understood the pain that he was going through.
[00:19:06] Dominique: I observed a lot of what he went through in childhood, but I felt like my hands were always tied. So there was this level of, guilt that I had for responding to things in a different way than he did.
[00:19:23] Dominique: I think the important thing for me now as a sibling is relearning my brother's story and understanding that he's his own person. And just because you might have grown up in the same childhood home or with the same parents, doesn't mean we're the same people, and that we're allowed to have different experiences and make our own mistakes and learn from them.
[00:19:44] Dominique: There are a lot of things that I don't have the answer for, and I want people to understand that siblings struggle when their brother or sister struggles, and that might not be the case for every single person, but I [00:20:00] feel like it is the case for a lot of us. There is a deep level of grief to know that your sibling is struggling and you are powerless over it. So much attention gets put on parents, spouses, adult children. But I feel like the sibling story really goes untold and I wanna continue creating resources for siblings like us to navigate their brother or sister's addiction in a way that works for them, not with a narrative where they're being told what to do or what not to do.
[00:20:35] Dominique: The message I would like to give siblings who are helping their brother or sister through addiction is don't give up on them. Remind them that you love them every single chance that you have, because they can almost promise you it might not feel like it's making a difference in the moment, but it will.
[00:20:51] Dominique: If you know Sarah Laurel, she's the founder of the organization, Savage Sisters, which is a harm reduction based nonprofit in Philadelphia, [00:21:00] and she shared her story of addiction and sobriety. And one of the anecdotes that about her mom is that when she was struggling with addiction, her mom showed up for her and she told her, whether you're sober or not sober, if I can just sit with you and have a meal, I'll do it. And that level of compassion and lack of judgment warmed my heart, as cheesy as it sounds, because it reminded me that there is power in connection and that I don't need to listen to the narrative of tough love and to cut them off because oftentimes that really does more harm than good.
[00:21:36] Dominique: There are a lot of questions that I don't have the answer to, and I would actually love to know more from other siblings that have struggled with addiction. What has helped you the most? If you have a brother or sister that has supported you, if you were the sibling that,
[00:21:54] Dominique: is not using substances and your brother or sister is. I would love to know more about what questions you guys [00:22:00] have and what resources you might be looking for so that way I can continue to create and share them with you.
[00:22:05] Dominique: If there's a specific question that you want answered, please leave a comment down below and follow us for more stories on the first of every month.
[00:22:13]
[00:22:20] Dominique: Thanks for listening to this episode of For Love of Recovery. If you enjoyed this episode or know somebody who might, please leave a comment and share it. You can also join our Facebook group, siblings for Love of Recovery. If you're looking to have deeper conversations around your siblings drug or alcohol addiction, and remember whether there's hope, there's healing.