Grieving the mother I never had: Alcohol, abuse, and recovery (with Marci Hopkins)
About the episode:
What does it mean to grieve a parent who is still alive—but was never able to show up the way you needed?
In this episode, Marci Hopkins shares how drinking became a socially acceptable way to cope with grief she didn’t yet have language for—the grief of the mother she needed but never had. Her story challenges the idea that addiction always appears chaotic or obvious, and instead reveals how “normal,” functional drinking can mask deep, unprocessed trauma.
We talk about grieving a parent who is still alive, how alcohol can become a tool for survival, and what it means to find sobriety and peace without closure or repair.
This episode is for anyone questioning their relationship with alcohol, navigating the impact of parental addiction or abuse, or carrying the quiet grief of losing someone while they’re still here.
Guest: Marci Hopkins, TV host, author, podcast host, motivational speaker, and mental health advocate
Marci Hopkins is an award-winning author of Chaos to Clarity, and a contributor to Women’s Thrive Volume II. With 10 years of sobriety, she shares her lived experience to help women break cycles of trauma, addiction, and self-abandonment.
This episode will help you:
Understand why alcohol often becomes a socially accepted way to cope with unresolved trauma
Name and process the grief of the parent you needed—not just the one you had
Release the hope that someone will eventually become who you needed them to be
Find peace, healing, and sobriety even without closure, repair, or reconciliation
Episode links
MORE FROM MARCI HOPKINS:
Marci’s book, “Chaos to Clarity: Seeing the Signs and Breaking the Cycles”
Shatterproof: Family, addiction and mental health resources
Al-Anon: Discover Family Groups
Resources
💬 JOIN OUR SIBLING-FOCUSED COMMUNITY
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Connect with other siblings
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Marci: Everybody was like, you're not an alcoholic. You don't drink too much. And I was comparing myself in the rooms, the stories of others, which is the worst thing you can do, and you convince yourself it's not that bad. There's nothing wrong.
[00:00:15]
[00:00:26] Dominique: Welcome to FLOR for Love of Recovery, where I'm your host, Dominique Dajer. Sibling relationships can be so unique, but they can become more complex when there's drug or alcohol use involved. If you find yourself questioning how to help, you're not alone. Every month we bring together stories that empower you to navigate your sibling's addiction and offer a sense of connection.
[00:00:44] Dominique: We also provide fresh perspectives on understanding substance use and how to protect your peace. Join me on this journey in restoring hope and healing.
[00:00:52]
[00:01:00] Dominique: When someone in your family is struggling with addiction, the signs are not always obvious. You might be thinking if you're overreacting or you might be unsure if this is something that you should be concerned about. And if we lose that person to addiction, whether it's physically or emotionally, the grief that follows can be devastating and complex.
[00:01:18] Dominique: To help us navigate these complicated emotions we have Marcy Hopkins with us Marcy's, an award-winning TV host, author, podcast host, motivational Marci, and mental health advocate. She hosts a talk show. Wake Up with Marcy, and she wrote the memoir, chaos to Clarity, a winner of the International Impact Award.
[00:01:34] Dominique: So Marcy, thank you so much for being on the show today. Thank you. Thanks for having
[00:01:38] Marci: me.
[00:01:38] Dominique: I wanna start off by first congratulating you on your 10 years of recovery. Thank you. I can't believe I'm here, but I am. God.
[00:01:45] Marci: God bless. Yes, of course.
[00:01:47] Dominique: So I wanna start off with giving the floor to you. Give yourself a chance to introduce yourself and ask you a little bit about your early story was like my childhood
[00:01:56] Marci: was riddled with a a lot [00:02:00] of trauma.
[00:02:01] Marci: My mother. Had me very young and was always in relationships and party lifestyle and. Now trying to navigate being a mother.
[00:02:15] Dominique: Mm-hmm.
[00:02:16] Marci: And at a very young age, I was about six years old. Her boyfriend ended up beating me after I'd gotten into some mischief and my mother really didn't do anything at that point.
[00:02:30] Marci: She asked me to be quiet about it because we were actually going to be going to my grandparents that day. And I did my best at six years old. Not to say anything, but I ended up breaking down. And I told my grandparents, and ultimately I was given the ability to choose to go back with my mother or stay with my grandparents.
[00:02:54] Dominique: Hmm.
[00:02:55] Marci: Which, as you can imagine, is a huge decision to make as a 6-year-old child. [00:03:00] Because ultimately what child doesn't wanna be with their mother, but I chose the route of feeling safe. I felt safe with my grandparents. So I'll never forget the conversation with my mother. I was standing in my grandmother's, my grandparents' bedroom and looking out over the living room, and I remember telling my mother that I made that decision.
[00:03:23] Marci: Bawling. I'm bawling and. She asked me if I was sure and that sort of thing, but she didn't fight for me. And so that's really kind of where that abandonment began for me. There was the trauma of the beating, her not keeping me safe, and then now the abandonment, because ultimately in that situation, she's choosing her boyfriend and her lifestyle over me.
[00:03:50] Marci: So I stayed with my grandparents for about six years and. It. It was a bit of a tumultuous time. My grandfather [00:04:00] had a very bad temper. He also drank, but on the other hand, my grandmother. She was my blessing. She taught me the values, morals. She made me feel safe. She was kind to me. She did all the things that I needed.
[00:04:15] Marci: In that time of of growth, from six to 12 years old, my mother ended up finding. Someone else in her life. And this gentleman, Richard, I actually was so ecstatic about this because I thought he was going to be our knight in shining armor. Mm-hmm. He was going to give us the life that I, I always wanted and, and envisioned as a child to be with my, my parents and my mother.
[00:04:42] Marci: And so we ended up. Moving in with him, but I should preface the fact that the wedding happened and that happened at my grandparents' house. I was 12 years old. That was the first time I got drunk. So I drank the champagne and I ended up getting drunk. I [00:05:00] don't really remember getting in trouble for it. It was kind of like being put to bed the next day, waking up and, and there's no real recollection of getting in trouble.
[00:05:10] Marci: Even prior to that, my mother would give me alcohol at times. Like if my stomach hurt, she would tell me, you know, it would help you go to the bathroom. I couldn't sleep at her boyfriend's house. She was giving me a half a sleeping pill, so I was kind of always. Being taught that drinking normalized alcohol is is okay.
[00:05:32] Marci: Yeah. And so they ended up getting, um, married, uh, we moved in six months was a beautiful, beautiful time, but ultimately there was sexual abuse that started with my stepfather and, and when that started, it was. There was a part of me that was taken and I just kind of became the shell of a young girl.
[00:05:59] Marci: Course. I [00:06:00] lost who I was, my dreams, the idea of a beautiful future, and it really became about survival. My idea of love was skewed. My idea of what boys wanted from a girl was skewed, and then that ultimately led to not respecting myself, difficult relationships, just not expecting the best out of other people because I didn't know.
[00:06:31] Marci: That look like once I graduated from high school, I left home and I, I was like, I'm out. Right? And so now I'm trying to navigate at, at this life as an 18-year-old. Mm-hmm. That is at that point, once I left my mom's house, 'cause she got a divorce right before my senior year of high school. When I left and moved in on my own, that's where I started drinking almost every day and became.
[00:06:58] Marci: Like going to the [00:07:00] clubs and just the party lifestyle. It was all about escape. Right? It was all about escaping.
[00:07:05] Dominique: Yeah. There's a lot of layers that you just unpacked. Yeah. And you truncated it into like maybe about 10 years, but there's a lot that sounds like there was going on. Yes. Was there like a moment for you where you realized.
[00:07:18] Dominique: As a kid, like maybe this isn't normal or maybe, you know, this is something that is really concerning. Was it all just kind of a blur and you were processing it like once you got into adulthood, or did you feel like throughout that experience that like something was wrong at every stage?
[00:07:33] Marci: I knew that the, my mother's life was not normal.
[00:07:38] Marci: I knew what was happening in the house was not normal, but it was just trying to navigate what was being given to me. And so I would try to stay away from the house as much as I could as soon as I found alcohol and started finding other kids that were experimenting and. [00:08:00] People became just kind of transactional for me because I moved so much right and started over so much that I didn't know how to bond with people so much.
[00:08:12] Marci: So I was always chasing happiness. If I was unhappy, I would just move friends Later on in life, I would move apartments, I would move boyfriends, I would move life and or move jobs. But the reality is I was always taking myself with me and. My pain and my trauma that I was always trying to push down or drink away.
[00:08:33] Dominique: Absolutely.
[00:08:34] Marci: Or I was always trying to be in a relationship and, and. Be a people pleaser and help other people. So I didn't have to pay attention to my own pain, if that makes sense. Right. And it also sounds like
[00:08:47] Dominique: maybe even get some of that validation from other people, whether it's like, oh, it's
[00:08:51] Marci: validation,
[00:08:51] Dominique: men work.
[00:08:52] Dominique: Mm-hmm. Like I, you know, a lot of us seek out validation. That's a very normal part of our life. Yeah. But. I think when that validation is constantly coming from the [00:09:00] external or coming from people mm-hmm. It might not seem like an issue. Or when you're young, when you're a teenager, young adult, it might not feel that way.
[00:09:08] Dominique: So I think that's definitely like a sign to be wary of
[00:09:11] Marci: Yeah.
[00:09:12] Dominique: In high school. Yeah. That's also when experimenting and drinking is so normalized. It is. So if someone. Is starting to exhibit the first couple of signs of an alcohol problem, then that can very easily get like swept under the ear rug because it's dismissed as kids experimenting and it's just normal experiment.
[00:09:30] Dominique: Yeah, there's a lot of complexity right there.
[00:09:33] Marci: Yeah. I mean, my whole life was about looking for validation and that came from the abandonment. My father not being in my life, there's abandonment. Mm-hmm. And, and so am I not lovable. Why was a mistake and while I don't wanna discount my grandparents loving me, my aunts being around me.
[00:09:54] Marci: Mm-hmm. We really ultimately just want that love from our parents. Absolutely. Right. That's really [00:10:00] hard. And then. Seeing the difficult relationships my mother was in and the drinking, and so fighting and screaming and you know, being abused in some way was very normalized and then pretending something didn't happen, you know, the next day.
[00:10:19] Marci: Right. Just to get past it. So these are all layers of. Me not being able to have positive coping Right. Mechanisms in my adulthood. Always looking for that outside validation, like you said. And you know, it's one thing when we're growing up and we're a teenager, that's just kind of the way it is. Right?
[00:10:41] Marci: You're looking mm-hmm. For, for from your parents, your teachers, your coaches, whoever it may be. But if you have a strong support system, you can learn to trust yourself and the decisions Absolutely. That you're making and have that confidence, which I never had.
[00:10:58] Dominique: Yeah, that makes sense. 'cause you're, you're looking to your [00:11:00] parents for mm-hmm.
[00:11:01] Dominique: That boundary, right? Whether this is okay. Whether it's not okay. You're looking to them for that source of support or protection. Right. What was your mom's response to the things that were going on? Like I know you mentioned that she used drinking as well as her avenue.
[00:11:14] Marci: Mm-hmm.
[00:11:14] Dominique: When she saw that you were drinking or she saw that maybe things were getting more out of hand than she had expected, did she respond in any kind of way or, mm-hmm.
[00:11:23] Dominique: Was it just something that was totally perceived as. What was normal? It, it was normalized
[00:11:28] Marci: even more so than, you know, me just going out on the weekends. Okay. If we went on a family vacation, I'd say family being my mother and my stepdad, Richard. I'm 13 years old. We're in Singapore and I'm drinking a Singapore sling.
[00:11:46] Marci: Right. So it's just. I'm on vacation. It's part of it like my 13 year, he was like having a soda. My 13-year-old child would never have a drink with me, but I was also being groomed by my stepfather, right? He was seeing [00:12:00] me as maybe an object or an older a. Version of, of really what I was, right. He had already tried to touch me in the movies and I didn't tell my mother, but then when we were in Singapore and then Hong Kong, he tried to look at me under mm-hmm.
[00:12:18] Marci: The mm-hmm. There were like slats in this one door and there was a glass shower. And granted, I'm 13. Okay. He's watching, trying to watch me in the shower, and I saw his presence over there. Mm-hmm. And I like jump out and, I mean, I'm in, you're in panic mode. You're freaking out, right? Yeah, right. Like, oh my God, as anyone would be Yeah, exactly.
[00:12:39] Marci: Let alone a kid. And so my mother came up and now he wanted to be alone in the room. And so I wasn't finished getting dressed. And so now I'm in the shock of what happened. The way that I dealt with all of this stuff is by having the perfect shell on the outside. Mm-hmm. [00:13:00] So the way that I looked was so important.
[00:13:04] Marci: 'cause that's what the only thing that I had control of. I had my makeup on trying to do this without crying, and then now my mom comes up and we have to leave. And I, I'm screaming, my hair's not done. I didn't get to blow dry my hair and she said, it's fine, Marcy. We'll go find someplace around the hotel.
[00:13:24] Marci: So we go out and she's trying to find me a place and I am lashing out at my mother only. Yeah, you were pissed off teenager. Yeah, imagine. Of course. And. My mother finally snaps and she ends up strangling me. And when she's strangling me, I scream out that I can't believe my God. Yeah, you are doing this to me and protecting a man that's abusing your child.
[00:13:55] Marci: And she stops Now she's in shock. What are you [00:14:00] talking about? And I tell her the things that have happened. I tell her that I, I really believe that things are happening to me in my sleep. I really, I knew in my gut that he was doing something to me, but I, I couldn't prove it at that time outside of the things that he had done when I was awake.
[00:14:16] Marci: And at that point it was basically that she couldn't leave and that I needed to wear more clothes when I slept.
[00:14:25] Dominique: There's so much going on because you're at that age where you're so vulnerable. Yes. You're telling your parent, your mother, this. Super scary, frightening thing that is happening.
[00:14:35] Marci: Mm-hmm.
[00:14:35] Dominique: She's basically telling you that your feelings don't matter.
[00:14:38] Marci: Yeah. Again, not being protected, and now she's choosing this man that is doing this horrible thing to her daughter. I'm not feeling loved, like, how could you love me and do this? But again, now it's another layer of surviving. Right, so now it's [00:15:00] finally out in the open. She doesn't say anything to him. Now we have to go on and act like nothing happened.
[00:15:05] Marci: Then we go back home. At this time where I'm living in Houston, Texas, and it finally happens where I wake up and it's confirmed his hands between my legs. Oh my God. At this time I'm in high school. I think I was in ninth grade. I have a pact with my girlfriend that we're both gonna commit suicide. I see.
[00:15:31] Marci: No way out. You feel
[00:15:32] Dominique: hopeless?
[00:15:33] Marci: Yeah. I see no way out. And I then. I go to school that day after I woke up with this hand between my legs. I can barely function at this point. I get home, my mother can tell. Obviously something is very wrong, and I tell her for the first time, she calls a hotline, trying to figure out like, how do we do this?
[00:15:58] Marci: What to do, right? Mm-hmm. What do [00:16:00] we do? Richard comes home, what's going on? She goes back and tells him what has happened. He says that I knew it was happening and I wanted it. Ultimately my mother ended up staying. Wow. It's a double whammy. Yeah, and we ended up, I always, all this stuff is in my book, chaos to Clarity, like in detail.
[00:16:26] Marci: But then we ended up going to the Woodlands, Texas. So I just say we bought a more beautiful home. Mm-hmm. With this disastrous life, I blocked out the time, right? Living in that house. I got a boyfriend. I ended up staying most of the time with him at his mother's house. It's to get outta the house now. The drinking is excessive.
[00:16:51] Marci: They're fighting is beyond. My mom finally left him the summer after my junior year of high school. [00:17:00] I begged her not to move because. This is another part of my life that every two years I change schools and I just was like, please do not make me move. It's so difficult my last year of high school. And so that's why I was saying like people were interchangeable To me, it's really quite sad.
[00:17:21] Dominique: Well, it showed you that the people that were supposed to protect you couldn't. Yeah. Or wouldn't. Right. And so there's a lot of complications there, but it's also just feels like you've never had a safety net as a kid.
[00:17:31] Marci: Yeah.
[00:17:32] Dominique: Yeah. And how are you supposed to build trust, right? Or healthy relationships when you've never been modeled that from your parents.
[00:17:39] Dominique: Exactly. Exactly
[00:17:41] Marci: outside of my grandparents, but then it's like, yeah, but my grandfather like the, the fighting, the yelling, like he even pulled a gun at one time. It's just like the stories chaos. It's just like my book. Chaos. Yeah. To clarity. Yeah. So ultimately I [00:18:00] got out of that situation and now. Now it's time to start my life.
[00:18:05] Marci: And finally, after trying three different schools, my grandmother stepped in and she was like, let's get you tested. Let's see where your interests lie. And so it just showed that I was a creative soul and it took me to the Art Institute of Houston and started my pathway in media. Believe it or not, I had a successful career.
[00:18:29] Marci: Mm-hmm.
[00:18:30] Dominique: Life looked good on the outside. If you were still drinking, how did that affect your career in the early stages?
[00:18:35] Marci: Mm. I can't even imagine how well I would've done sober because I was always in survival mode, like I was determined mm-hmm. That I was going to do well, even though I was drinking every single day.
[00:18:52] Marci: I would go out sometimes wouldn't get any sleep. It was normal for me to come home and drink, go out on the weekends. Right. And And
[00:18:59] Dominique: especially [00:19:00] if you're working in corporate media too. Yeah. It's very normalized to go out after work and yes, it was happy hour. It's just part of the culture or
[00:19:06] Marci: even go drink at lunch.
[00:19:08] Marci: Mm-hmm. And you know, it's just very normal. Absolutely. Prior to that I was working in restaurants. So I mean, that's all you do is party. You work to make money to drink or do drugs, if that's what you do, I did do well. Whatever situation you put me in, I would be whoever you wanted me to be or whoever I thought you wanted me to be.
[00:19:30] Dominique: I think that's definitely a survival mechanism. Yeah. Right there. Mm-hmm. I feel like people. Especially when it goes back to childhood, when they've been forced to protect themselves. Mm-hmm. I feel like they've learned how to adapt to almost any relationship. Right. Situation that they're in. Yeah. So I definitely think that's like a, yeah, a connection right there.
[00:19:48] Dominique: Yeah.
[00:19:49] Marci: So there was that, and then, and also always being the victim. So it's really hard to navigate relationships [00:20:00] and. Have the empathy for someone else or understand how you have a role in something because somebody else is always wronging you, right? You, you're always on the defense. And so ultimately I moved to Denver, then I moved to LA and.
[00:20:19] Marci: I met who would become my husband in LA and became the director of On-Air Promotions at at fx. I still, to this day, can't understand how I made that all happen.
[00:20:31] Dominique: So how did you make it happen? Did you have a support system during that time? I know you said you met your husband at that point. Did you have anyone that you felt like you could really rely on?
[00:20:40] Marci: I was always a one man show. I had my family to an extent. My mother was in my life. I always had the hope that we would have a normal mother-daughter relationship because she was navigating her own addiction at that time, and right throughout [00:21:00] most of my life did not care who I hurt or how I got there, but I was going to be a winner.
[00:21:11] Marci: I hate to sound that way, but I was so determined not to be my mother that I would do whatever it took, even though I was harming myself by drinking every day, I was also doing it as a warrior because I was not going to fail.
[00:21:30] Dominique: Do you feel like you were doing that to like prove something to yourself or maybe even prove it to your mom?
[00:21:35] Dominique: Always. Always proving something to myself.
[00:21:38] Marci: Yeah. And hopefully proving it to others. Right, right. Always looking for, again, that validation, whether it was from my family, whether it was from who I was dating or friends. But again, it was hard for me. To have friends.
[00:21:57] Dominique: You wanna feel like there are people that you [00:22:00] can trust.
[00:22:00] Dominique: Yeah. But a lot of us are probably thinking, well, I can't trust anyone. Right. So you end up pushing people away.
[00:22:04] Marci: Yeah. I always wanted
[00:22:05] Dominique: to be loved. I always wanted to have that, but it was not easy. You started to talk a little bit about grieving your mom in the sense where you always wanted this version of your mom that you never got.
[00:22:17] Dominique: What was that experience like for you? I just
[00:22:20] Marci: always craved the love. That I, I thought you should receive from your mother and the approval in being chosen. I know myself as a mother, and especially now as a sober mother, and who I am today, is probably always who I, mm-hmm. Longed for my mother to be. But in her active addiction, she could have never been.
[00:22:50] Marci: I mean, I would go to therapist and I just remember them talking to me like, Marcy, you've got to let go of this idea of what you [00:23:00] think this relationship. Should be with your mother, because that's, for the most part, is probably not likely to ever happen. Yeah.
[00:23:09] Dominique: And that must be incredibly hard to hear.
[00:23:11] Marci: Yeah.
[00:23:11] Dominique: And to really try to wrap your head around. Right. 'cause there we're always trying to satisfy that child within Right. A hundred percent. So it's not just, you know. Marcy at 20, or Marcy at 30. It's Marcy at six years old and 12 years old. Yeah. Who wants that love and affection from their parents? Right.
[00:23:28] Marci: And they always say, right when that trauma happens, you get stuck at that age.
[00:23:34] Dominique: That's the person who's like navigating you in adulthood. Exactly. Exactly.
[00:23:38] Marci: And then I was living in California and my mother remarried, moved to California and, and I of course was so excited that my mother was going to be there. I had gotten married. Started a family, now I have my baby.
[00:23:53] Dominique: Mm-hmm.
[00:23:54] Marci: And we end up putting my mom in rehab.
[00:23:56] Marci: We have an intervention. It was a [00:24:00] whole nother mess now that I am having to deal with when I need my mom, since my senior year of high school, except for when I was escaping and running away. I took on that kind of mother role with her.
[00:24:15] Dominique: Mm-hmm.
[00:24:16] Marci: For a lot of my life. And, and that's where I was again. And then my husband had an opportunity in New Jersey and my mom got a divorce because she wouldn't get sober and, and you can't make anyone get sober.
[00:24:32] Marci: Right. And I always told her like my husband didn't want her around us anymore. Because I would go to bed every night, scared to death that she was going to end up getting in a car accident. Started with constant DWIs, jail time, rehabs. I mean, once that all started, it becomes
[00:24:52] Dominique: like the revolving door. It
[00:24:53] Marci: never changed.
[00:24:54] Marci: She would get sober, be in a halfway house and relapse. And so [00:25:00] it, it was just a constant, constant. And. Once I got sober, it was really, really hard to navigate that because I wanted, I'm doing it right. Mm-hmm. Like now I'm doing it. How can I help my mom do it? So again, I'm, I was always taking on this idea of like, I can help my mom.
[00:25:25] Dominique: Yeah.
[00:25:26] Marci: I can make it right for my mom.
[00:25:28] Dominique: And then I guess also maybe hoping that in return you get that love and support from her. Exactly. And then if
[00:25:34] Marci: she couldn't be there for me, maybe that she could be there as. The nana. Mm-hmm. To my, my kids, you know? Right.
[00:25:41] Dominique: It sounds like throughout the years you've lost your mom time and time again.
[00:25:46] Marci: A hundred percent. Good way to put it.
[00:25:47] Dominique: Not just, you know, when she couldn't live up to your expectations as a child, but also you know, her not being able to support you in adulthood, maybe the way that you wanted to be supported. Mm-hmm. Or you know, when you had to leave LA and [00:26:00] go to Jersey and not be able to take her with her.
[00:26:01] Dominique: It sounds like there was a lot of losing your mom Yeah. That you needed to come to terms with in grief. Throughout the years, I was living in grief
[00:26:10] Marci: most of my life over my mother. Absolutely. Absolutely. And then my mom died from her disease five years ago, and then there was the actual grief of her not being around anymore.
[00:26:24] Marci: My aunt called. My husband and when he came in to tell me, I remember screaming out, crying, and then I just fell into peace because I realized she no longer has to fight the demons of her addiction, and I no longer have to fight the demons of her addiction. It then became a very peaceful moment. I have forgiven my mom [00:27:00] through this time with her in heaven, and I know that we've connected and I know she's with me.
[00:27:06] Marci: She showed mm-hmm some incredible signs. She was with me on the other side, especially in the beginning. And listen. I mean, I had to let go of what she did to me because it's only harming me. Forgiveness is so freeing, and this is something I speak on a lot because if we stay stuck in the old story and the pain of those stories, it's only hurting ourselves.
[00:27:36] Marci: Right? And I'm, I'm asked a lot, how did you forgive your mother?
[00:27:41] Dominique: That was gonna be my next question. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:27:42] Marci: Right. So I had to see my mom, not as my mom, but as a human being separate from all the roles that she was, what was her childhood like? How did she feel about herself? I saw from my mom that the only [00:28:00] validation she did get is from men.
[00:28:02] Marci: Mmm. So it was the same cycle there, and then that party lifestyle escaping, always escaping. And I saw my mom as a very weak person. So yeah, while I always had to be in a relationship, I still was strong enough to stand up for myself, and my mom just really never had that. Yeah. And she did the best that she could.
[00:28:32] Marci: I believe she did the best that she could, and I go back and I think about the times, like she didn't leave my stepdad when mm-hmm. She knew that was happening, but I think there were a lot of layers for her. I think that there was fear of what would happen from him. There was fear of what my grandparents would think of her again.
[00:28:50] Marci: Right. Like she was in survival mode too. Exactly. But it was like, I don't think she felt like she could do it. Yeah. There was no way that she could do it on her own. [00:29:00]
[00:29:00] Dominique: And like you said earlier, um, that she had you, I believe you said she was 18 or 19 Yeah. She had just turned 19. Yeah. So she was still a kid herself?
[00:29:08] Dominique: Yes. There was still a lot of growing up and tools and resources, right. That she probably didn't have at the time. Mm-hmm. And you had mentioned when we experienced that trauma, we, our age is stunted, so whatever she must have experienced as a child, it sounds like she never felt protected or maybe Yeah.
[00:29:23] Dominique: She was looking for that external validation and that came up from men for her. That's exactly
[00:29:28] Marci: right. My grandfather had a, mm-hmm. Very explosive temper. She was the first child born in 55. She wasn't allowed to leave the house, have friends, and when she met my dad. Maybe she was 16, 17 years old, so I had to let it go.
[00:29:48] Marci: I've healed a lot, but I still have healing to do.
[00:29:50] Dominique: There's always a lot to process. Exactly. It sounds like you've processed a lot of it. Right. Is there anything that you would say to people who are listening mm-hmm That might be grieving in a [00:30:00] non-traditional way?
[00:30:01] Marci: Well, I think there's the grief and there's also a lot of guilt 'cause be because you feel like you.
[00:30:08] Marci: You think you could have done something if I just did something more? If I did it this way, if I talked to somebody, you did the best that you could and you cannot change someone else no matter what. You can't make someone choose to get sober or help themselves. It is a decision they have to make on their own.
[00:30:30] Marci: So I would ask anyone out there that feels that. They wish they could have done more. Yeah. Or if I just said this or if I just did this. No, you can't change someone else's addiction or someone else's path. You can give healthy feedback or ideas, but please let yourself off the hook if you feel some guilt around that and I understand it.
[00:30:59] Marci: [00:31:00] Because I had it. I had the living guilt, and then after my mom passed away, but I've made the realization that I only could do as much as I could do. And I couldn't change my mom and no one else out there can change a loved one that is going through the same,
[00:31:18] Dominique: you know, I love that you brought up the idea of being off the hook.
[00:31:21] Dominique: Mm-hmm. Or letting yourself off the hook. Mm-hmm. Because I think a lot of the times we can hold ourselves victim to Yeah. These standards that are sometimes unrealistic. Mm-hmm. Or these expectations that are unrealistic, like giving yourself permission Yeah. To back away if you need to. Yeah. Especially if it's gonna protect your own wellbeing and sanity.
[00:31:38] Marci: A hundred percent. And yeah, the reality is. Our own happiness only comes from within ourselves.
[00:31:46] Dominique: Yeah. It's a very powerful but also hard thing to grasp.
[00:31:50] Marci: So hard.
[00:31:51] Dominique: I promise I
[00:31:51] Marci: was there. I
[00:31:52] Dominique: promise. I know. I get you. I get you. Yeah. It's hard. So anyone that's listening, it doesn't happen overnight. No, it definitely takes some time and trying different [00:32:00] things.
[00:32:00] Dominique: Yeah. You started to talk about this idea of change. Mm-hmm. And that you can't change anyone. Yeah. You also talked about how you had some friends that were around, you met your husband during this time. For you, like what was the relationship that was the most impactful, or what was the relationship that changed the most from your active addiction to your sobriety?
[00:32:20] Marci: The relationship with my husband. Could you tell us more about it? Yeah. Yeah. So again, when you go into a relationship, you got your backpack with all your baggage, right? Right. And, um, how your parents were shape you a lot in, in your, in your relationships. So for me. Being the victim, being very reactive, needing a lot of attention.
[00:32:48] Marci: These are things that I needed from my husband, right? And if I didn't get it, I immediately went to yelling and reacting. Okay. My husband, [00:33:00] his parents never yelled, they never fought in front of him. He had a pretty stable upbringing, right? So for him to see. Kind of the crazy in me and bringing that into the relationship.
[00:33:17] Marci: We struggled a lot in the beginning of our relationship and then when we had our first child, like trying to make it all work because there was the love there, right. And we wanted it to work out. But I always say that for me. I didn't know how to love someone, and I didn't know how to be loved. I didn't know how to receive love.
[00:33:45] Marci: So even though my husband did love me, I was always questioning that love. Right? Again, that trust. Exactly. Not trusting it. And so that we [00:34:00] had a lot of problems because of that. And then on his end, he was in his thirties. He's in the midst of building his career. You know, he needs a support, not someone that needs a handheld, you know?
[00:34:16] Marci: Mm-hmm. All the time. And so. I didn't feel like we didn't meet in the middle. Right. You guys are both looking for different things. Exactly. Emotionally. Exactly, and so we fought a lot and then my drinking escalated later on in the relationship. Was he aware of your drinking? In the beginning, he was aware of it, but.
[00:34:40] Marci: I always, it's really interesting because I thought, well, yeah, I drink and mm-hmm. But so do you. Right, right. Again, the normalized behavior. Exactly. So why am I so different than you? And so what if I have a glass of wine at night? We have a glass of wine at dinner, I'm still [00:35:00] a good mom. I'm still keeping up the house.
[00:35:02] Marci: I'm in the community I'm working, or whatever. Mm-hmm. Whatever it is. Right. It's not affecting who I am or my ability to do. And that's why a lot of times we stay stuck mm-hmm. In that cycle of drinking because there's not these real consequences. Right. Or
[00:35:19] Dominique: it doesn't seem as much of a big deal. It does. If everything else is still
[00:35:22] Marci: functioning.
[00:35:23] Marci: Exactly. And. He just wasn't a drinker like I was. Right. So, mm-hmm. I was like, well, what makes your way right? Right.
[00:35:31] Dominique: Mm-hmm.
[00:35:32] Marci: So he did notice it. He didn't like it. We did talk about it. It caused some problems, but it didn't get really bad. So we got married in my early thirties, his mid thirties. It wasn't until my forties that my drinking really escalated.
[00:35:51] Marci: Okay. So in my forties, I decided we had moved back to New Jersey. We now have two children and they [00:36:00] were getting older, and I decided to go after a lifelong dream of getting in front of the camera. Commercial print, then commercial acting. Mm-hmm. Indie film acting. But this process really brought out my insecurities feelings of being judged all the time.
[00:36:19] Marci: So just imagine it's a lot of pressure. You're always going for these auditions, being judged, and it's like. Why you feel like you're never good enough? Am I gonna get the gig? Like the rollercoaster is never ending, right? So my drinking started escalating. Maybe if I have a glass of wine before I go to the audition, right, it'll ease my nerves.
[00:36:43] Marci: Maybe if I get the gig, I'll have my liquid courage. Mm-hmm. So just the liquid courage. So now just, that's where that slippery slope was starting. The fighting with my husband was really escalating. He was recognizing that my drinking was getting out of hand. I was drinking [00:37:00] more, and so things were really not going well in our relationship.
[00:37:06] Marci: So then once my last day of drinking, I went on a modeling gig. I ended up having my liquid courage. I went out with a girlfriend afterwards. I ended up getting a DUI. Went to bed. That victim hating my husband. It's his fault. Everything's his fault. Mm-hmm. If he was around more, all these circumstances were different.
[00:37:27] Marci: The blame, I wouldn't have done it right. I wouldn't have done it, but I woke up that next day, October 4th, 2015, and everything shifted for me on that day, and that's where I made the decision that. This time, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get sober. I don't wanna lose my husband. I don't wanna lose my children.
[00:37:47] Marci: The life that I had built a beautiful life, right? You saw my life from the outside. I mean, a lot of people envy that type of life. And I went downstairs. I admitted to [00:38:00] myself first. That I needed help. And then I talked to my husband and he embraced me. And it was that first time that I felt that love that, oh, I love that.
[00:38:07] Marci: I was always seeking, it was the most beautiful moment, like so after that, yeah, like my husband didn't run away. He was there for me and supported me. And as I grew, he grew as I'm learning to change and communicate and become more spiritually fit and recognize my role. He too was doing the same. I was doing it through the 12 step program, but he was doing it through my recovery.
[00:38:37] Marci: I love that. So it was really beautiful.
[00:38:38] Dominique: Yeah. Was this like the first time that you guys were having this big conversation around, like, what was sparking your decision to make a change towards recovery? Have you guys had this kind of conversation before or had you made strides before? Well, first of all, I'll
[00:38:51] Marci: say way back when in my early twenties.
[00:38:53] Marci: Mm-hmm. Like around 20, I got two DUIs. Okay. And I, I did try to get sober while I did for about three [00:39:00] months. I was too young. The forever thing was too overwhelming and I was working in restaurants, so I ended up. Not staying, obviously in sobriety. Then a year before I decided to get sober, I knew my drinking was getting a little out of hand.
[00:39:17] Marci: I was thinking about it all the time. My husband was wanting me to get healthy. Mm-hmm. I was waking up in the middle of the night always saying, I'm not gonna do it the next day. How can I normalize this? How can I do this without quitting altogether, but not turning into my mom? Right, right. So I ended up going to the 12 step program, and that was in 2014, and I was sober for about three months.
[00:39:44] Marci: But everybody was like, you're not an alcoholic, you don't drink too much. What are you talking about? And I was comparing myself in the rooms, the stories of others. Right? Which is the worst thing you can do is compare your [00:40:00] story with other people and you convince yourself it's not that bad. Mm-hmm. Right?
[00:40:06] Marci: There's nothing wrong. You're not an alcoholic. Right. But if you're there, I think people have
[00:40:10] Dominique: like this illusion of what? Yeah. What, what an, what a problem actually is, whether it's drugs or alcohol. Exactly. Like there's like this vision and it's like not everyone like leads up to this one vision. Yeah.
[00:40:19] Dominique: Everyone's story is gonna be very different. It is,
[00:40:21] Marci: it is. I always say one of the tools, right, is popping that tape. These thoughts start creeping in your head. What would happen if you had that first drink?
[00:40:29] Dominique: Like knowing what was gonna come. The domino effect of Exactly. Your reaction, your actions.
[00:40:35] Marci: Yeah. And how it's going to affect not only yourself, how you feel about yourself then around everybody around you.
[00:40:42] Marci: Yeah.
[00:40:42] Dominique: So it seems like one of the first signs of that awareness that mm-hmm. One might have either your drinking or a drug problem is the patterns. Yeah. So seeing from like your past experiences, like. When I do X, this thing usually doesn't work out the way I want it to. Yeah, exactly. Or this relationship ends up in this [00:41:00] situation.
[00:41:00] Dominique: So it seems like at this point you already had the awareness that like these patterns weren't working for you, whatever. Right. The results were Right.
[00:41:07] Marci: And I think there's a lot of people out there that kind of in that. Gray area. Mm-hmm. Or they're questioning their drinking. And I'd say, you don't have to hit that rock bottom to make the change.
[00:41:18] Marci: And I love that there's all the awareness around now and more, you know, open conversations. Right. And even like dry January. So just kind of testing the waters there for yourself. It doesn't have to be forever, but I would say if you think about it, you question it. You're noticing that, that there are struggles in your relationship or maybe your job or how your parenting, I mean, I remember just praying for patience all the time, right?
[00:41:49] Marci: But really. That drinking alcohol you think is gonna calm those nerves, and maybe it does for the first glass of wine, but then it affects, it's that [00:42:00] snowball effect there. It's short lived. Yeah. Right. It's very short lived. Maybe you're drinking more, then you can't, you may fall asleep, but then your sleep is affected.
[00:42:08] Marci: Right. You're in the fog the next day you're not eating right. There's all these things. It becomes like a rinse cycle.
[00:42:13] Dominique: Repeat.
[00:42:14] Marci: Exactly.
[00:42:15] Dominique: You had mentioned at this point you had two children.
[00:42:17] Marci: Yes.
[00:42:18] Dominique: If you don't mind me asking, were they aware of like, any changes within you or did they notice that like, there's something going on with mom or You mean Um, while I was drinking.
[00:42:27] Dominique: While you were drinking? Yeah.
[00:42:28] Marci: So it was not, I mom always had that glass of wine at the end of the day. Or when, then we went to a restaurant or when we went on vacation, but it wasn't, it was not at a place where they would see mom passed out on the couch. It wasn't like it was getting out of hand in front of 'em or anything like that.
[00:42:49] Marci: It wasn't like that where the most destruction that was happening was the fighting between my husband and me. That's where the most destruction was [00:43:00] coming from for my children. But then towards the end, there were a handful of blackouts. Okay. And making bad decisions of, of getting behind the wheel of the car when I'd been drinking.
[00:43:11] Dominique: Yeah.
[00:43:12] Marci: And that's when things were really starting to get out of hand. And yeah, my kids were probably, there were things that they were starting to take notice of.
[00:43:21] Dominique: Once you started working on your recovery process, how did that change how you showed up as a parent? I think that. When you have
[00:43:28] Marci: trauma abandonment mm-hmm.
[00:43:31] Marci: You show up as a parent with all of that and you try to either rectify it as a parent and be a different parent, or you bring the destructive behaviors. Into your parenting. So for me, I became that mother that never wanted my children to feel abandonment. I became like a helicopter mom doing everything for my kids.
[00:43:59] Marci: Like I [00:44:00] never wanted them to feel like I didn't love them.
[00:44:03] Dominique: Mm.
[00:44:04] Marci: So I overly loved, if that makes sense. Yeah. But I also was very reactive once I was sober and started doing the work. I started showing up as a calmer presence.
[00:44:18] Dominique: Mm.
[00:44:20] Marci: In my parenting. I wasn't reactive to my children. I wasn't screaming at them. I wasn't defensive.
[00:44:28] Marci: They would say things and my feelings would get hurt so badly. Right. But really that was past pain. The things that they would say would trigger those things for me. And so I. I have shown up now as a, a parent and a person, first and foremost, I see my child as someone I can learn from. Also. I love that I am always trying to evolve to be a better person and learn.
[00:44:59] Marci: [00:45:00] And I think we can learn a lot from our children and they are the most honest. Mm-hmm. And if they are saying, you know, like, mom, you're overreacting to something. Maybe you are and look at it. Why are you reacting? Right? It's like
[00:45:15] Dominique: that clarity that, yeah. You know, sometimes we can have tunnel vision.
[00:45:18] Dominique: Exactly. And we're in the same situation or same relationships day in and day out. But I think there's something, especially if your kids are younger. They, there's a level of that innocence where they can see things a little bit more clearly. Exactly. So I think maybe taking a step a second and taking a step back to maybe think about it from their lens, how they might be perceiving Right.
[00:45:36] Dominique: The relationship with you or the situation.
[00:45:38] Marci: Yeah. And it doesn't have to be like this, uh, yes. You, you are authority and you are. Mm-hmm. I demand respect from my children, but I don't go into it as a, a person that. Is
[00:45:54] Dominique: in complete control. Right. Does that make sense? Absolutely. I mean, like are you still recognizing that [00:46:00] where your kids might be coming from or having their own experience?
[00:46:02] Dominique: Exactly. I want them
[00:46:03] Marci: to feel empowered. Which is something I didn't have. And so I'm just learning all the time how to be a better individual and be a better person for my kids so they can be the best version of themselves. And I often, and I didn't have this, this before. Yeah. But people are always like.
[00:46:27] Marci: Wow. You know your kids, they come to you about everything and you have just like this great relationship with your kids. Like how do you do that? And. I just have to say that it's been through my healing and facing my own demons that it has allowed me to show up in a different way percent for my kids to allow them to heal and expand and evolve into hopefully great humans themselves.
[00:46:57] Marci: And just like in my book, it's. [00:47:00] Breaking those cycles, those generational cycles, my God, they've been passed on. How many generational cycles are in your family that you are now bringing into your life? 100%. Right. And I've had to recognize that and make those changes, and I thank God every day and my higher power is a huge part of that.
[00:47:23] Marci: My spiritual connection and loving myself, loving myself has allowed me. To love my children and love them in a way that is productive.
[00:47:37] Dominique: I love that.
[00:47:37] Marci: Yeah,
[00:47:38] Dominique: and I think what's so important that you mentioned is like, I think people need to have. Some kind of motivation or some kind of external factor that want, that helps them pursue their recovery.
[00:47:49] Dominique: Mm-hmm. And it sounds like for you, part of that was your children too.
[00:47:52] Marci: Oh, a hundred percent. And listen, I know my mom loved me because I know my mother would not have chosen her [00:48:00] disease and that dysfunctional life over loving her daughter. Yeah, absolutely. It's just not, there's just no way. I did find out later on in my life that she had gone to my grandparents and asked for help that she wanted to quit drinking.
[00:48:13] Marci: But we didn't know, and my grandmother said, you need to pull yourself together. And get yourself together and get yourself sober or just stop drinking. But again, it's 'cause it, there wasn't the education, the understanding. And look at us now. I mean, we have the sober podcasts, we have the communities, social media communities.
[00:48:36] Marci: We have communities online. I'm thankful that we are normalizing this conversation. So there is a shift and, and younger people aren't drinking like we used to. I mean, I'm a lot older than you are, but there is a shift.
[00:48:51] Dominique: There definitely is. I think it was recently, a couple weeks ago, I read a story. I read an article actually, where it's saying Gen Z has, they're the [00:49:00] generation that's like drinking the least.
[00:49:01] Dominique: Yes. Opposed to any of the past generations. Yes. Which I think is really interesting. Yeah. So I definitely think normalizing these conversations is. Part of that, or part of that is due to those conversations. So I think it's just interesting to think about.
[00:49:14] Marci: Yeah, growing up you didn't have these conversations.
[00:49:18] Marci: It was shameful. You kept it in the family, and when you stay silent, you stay isolated, you stay sick.
[00:49:25] Dominique: Absolutely. Mm-hmm. Is there anything that you wish your younger self knew about? Whether it's about protecting yourself or whether it's about learning new healthy coping habits. Mm-hmm. Um, is there anything you'd want to tell that six or 12-year-old version of mercy?
[00:49:42] Marci: I wish that I would've known different ways of coping at that time, but again, it was survival at that time. But what I would tell myself that you have to go through all this pain. So you can then make a change in your life when you get older [00:50:00] and help a lot of people.
[00:50:01] Dominique: Absolutely. Yeah. I love that.
[00:50:03] Marci: Mm-hmm.
[00:50:04] Dominique: What's one thing that you wish that someone is listening? Would be able to understand or know if they're unsure how help their loved one struggling with addiction.
[00:50:13] Marci: You don't have to do it alone. There is a lot of help. I would really recommend you seek help because you can't do this thing alone. I tried to navigate it.
[00:50:24] Marci: My family tried to navigate it all alone and we didn't know the right way to handle it with my mother and. There's Al-Anon. I've become involved with an organization called mm-hmm Shatterproof. They have help for families. There are so many online communities. You don't have control of the situation like you think you do.
[00:50:46] Dominique: Absolutely.
[00:50:47] Marci: I would say SAMHSA or Shatterproof are two great resources. Mm-hmm. I was an only child. I can't imagine watching a [00:51:00] sibling like you, you're not navigating these or having to deal with these demons. Mm-hmm. In the same way that your sibling, you want to be able to help in such some way, but. Find a support group and a community because you don't have to do it alone.
[00:51:18] Marci: Absolutely. There's so much pain and when you do find help and you do find those that are navigating the same, you're gonna find tips and, and ways of coping and, and maybe ways of helping your loved one.
[00:51:31] Dominique: Absolutely. Mm-hmm. I 100% agree with that. And I love that you brought up that there's so many different types of resources mm-hmm.
[00:51:36] Dominique: And support out there. Yeah. You know. Recovery is not a one size fits all approach. Mm-hmm. And I think it goes the same for families who are looking for support for their loved ones, whether it is a parent or child or sibling. Yeah. So I love that you brought that up. Yeah. And definitely agree with Chad or prove there are actually resources that I lean on, so I will be sure to link that in the bio folks who are listening.
[00:51:57] Dominique: So thank you so much for Marcy, for coming onto the show and [00:52:00] sharing your story. Yeah. And taking a minute to provide some advice for families who are probably at their most vulnerable moments.
[00:52:07] Marci: Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. Of course. And for all the work that you do. I'm going to release the book April 7th, which is Alcohol Awareness Month.
[00:52:16] Marci: The name of the book is Wake Up, you're Not Broken, what to Expect In the First 30 Days of Sobriety. And it's really a guide to help. Exactly that. You know, it, it was a guide. I wish that I had what you're going to go through, what's happening chemically in your body, how to talk with your family, how families can help and so on.
[00:52:37] Marci: I will also have an expert section, what the experts have to say and, and a lot of support in there, um, of where you can find help. Then also my other book, chaos to Clarity, seeing the signs and breaking the cycles will be coming out in the next couple months on audio. So I'm excited about that. Awesome.
[00:52:56] Dominique: Well, thank you. These sound like great resources for families who wanna learn [00:53:00] how to support their loved one.
[00:53:01] Marci: Yeah.
[00:53:02] Dominique: And understand what their loved one might be going through. So I really appreciate that. Yeah. Thank you so much.
[00:53:06]
[00:53:11] Dominique: Thanks for listening to this episode of For Love of Recovery. If you enjoyed this episode or know somebody who might, please leave a comment and share it. You can also join our Facebook group, siblings for Love of Recovery. If you're looking to have deeper conversations around your siblings drug or alcohol addiction, and remember whether there's hope, there's healing.Marci: Everybody was like, you're not an alcoholic. You don't drink too much. And I was comparing myself in the rooms, the stories of others, which is the worst thing you can do, and you convince yourself it's not that bad. There's nothing wrong.
[00:00:15]
[00:00:26] Dominique: Welcome to FLOR for Love of Recovery, where I'm your host, Dominique Dajer. Sibling relationships can be so unique, but they can become more complex when there's drug or alcohol use involved. If you find yourself questioning how to help, you're not alone. Every month we bring together stories that empower you to navigate your sibling's addiction and offer a sense of connection.
[00:00:44] Dominique: We also provide fresh perspectives on understanding substance use and how to protect your peace. Join me on this journey in restoring hope and healing.
[00:00:52]
[00:01:00] Dominique: When someone in your family is struggling with addiction, the signs are not always obvious. You might be thinking if you're overreacting or you might be unsure if this is something that you should be concerned about. And if we lose that person to addiction, whether it's physically or emotionally, the grief that follows can be devastating and complex.
[00:01:18] Dominique: To help us navigate these complicated emotions we have Marcy Hopkins with us Marcy's, an award-winning TV host, author, podcast host, motivational Marci, and mental health advocate. She hosts a talk show. Wake Up with Marcy, and she wrote the memoir, chaos to Clarity, a winner of the International Impact Award.
[00:01:34] Dominique: So Marcy, thank you so much for being on the show today. Thank you. Thanks for having
[00:01:38] Marci: me.
[00:01:38] Dominique: I wanna start off by first congratulating you on your 10 years of recovery. Thank you. I can't believe I'm here, but I am. God.
[00:01:45] Marci: God bless. Yes, of course.
[00:01:47] Dominique: So I wanna start off with giving the floor to you. Give yourself a chance to introduce yourself and ask you a little bit about your early story was like my childhood
[00:01:56] Marci: was riddled with a a lot [00:02:00] of trauma.
[00:02:01] Marci: My mother. Had me very young and was always in relationships and party lifestyle and. Now trying to navigate being a mother.
[00:02:15] Dominique: Mm-hmm.
[00:02:16] Marci: And at a very young age, I was about six years old. Her boyfriend ended up beating me after I'd gotten into some mischief and my mother really didn't do anything at that point.
[00:02:30] Marci: She asked me to be quiet about it because we were actually going to be going to my grandparents that day. And I did my best at six years old. Not to say anything, but I ended up breaking down. And I told my grandparents, and ultimately I was given the ability to choose to go back with my mother or stay with my grandparents.
[00:02:54] Dominique: Hmm.
[00:02:55] Marci: Which, as you can imagine, is a huge decision to make as a 6-year-old child. [00:03:00] Because ultimately what child doesn't wanna be with their mother, but I chose the route of feeling safe. I felt safe with my grandparents. So I'll never forget the conversation with my mother. I was standing in my grandmother's, my grandparents' bedroom and looking out over the living room, and I remember telling my mother that I made that decision.
[00:03:23] Marci: Bawling. I'm bawling and. She asked me if I was sure and that sort of thing, but she didn't fight for me. And so that's really kind of where that abandonment began for me. There was the trauma of the beating, her not keeping me safe, and then now the abandonment, because ultimately in that situation, she's choosing her boyfriend and her lifestyle over me.
[00:03:50] Marci: So I stayed with my grandparents for about six years and. It. It was a bit of a tumultuous time. My grandfather [00:04:00] had a very bad temper. He also drank, but on the other hand, my grandmother. She was my blessing. She taught me the values, morals. She made me feel safe. She was kind to me. She did all the things that I needed.
[00:04:15] Marci: In that time of of growth, from six to 12 years old, my mother ended up finding. Someone else in her life. And this gentleman, Richard, I actually was so ecstatic about this because I thought he was going to be our knight in shining armor. Mm-hmm. He was going to give us the life that I, I always wanted and, and envisioned as a child to be with my, my parents and my mother.
[00:04:42] Marci: And so we ended up. Moving in with him, but I should preface the fact that the wedding happened and that happened at my grandparents' house. I was 12 years old. That was the first time I got drunk. So I drank the champagne and I ended up getting drunk. I [00:05:00] don't really remember getting in trouble for it. It was kind of like being put to bed the next day, waking up and, and there's no real recollection of getting in trouble.
[00:05:10] Marci: Even prior to that, my mother would give me alcohol at times. Like if my stomach hurt, she would tell me, you know, it would help you go to the bathroom. I couldn't sleep at her boyfriend's house. She was giving me a half a sleeping pill, so I was kind of always. Being taught that drinking normalized alcohol is is okay.
[00:05:32] Marci: Yeah. And so they ended up getting, um, married, uh, we moved in six months was a beautiful, beautiful time, but ultimately there was sexual abuse that started with my stepfather and, and when that started, it was. There was a part of me that was taken and I just kind of became the shell of a young girl.
[00:05:59] Marci: Course. I [00:06:00] lost who I was, my dreams, the idea of a beautiful future, and it really became about survival. My idea of love was skewed. My idea of what boys wanted from a girl was skewed, and then that ultimately led to not respecting myself, difficult relationships, just not expecting the best out of other people because I didn't know.
[00:06:31] Marci: That look like once I graduated from high school, I left home and I, I was like, I'm out. Right? And so now I'm trying to navigate at, at this life as an 18-year-old. Mm-hmm. That is at that point, once I left my mom's house, 'cause she got a divorce right before my senior year of high school. When I left and moved in on my own, that's where I started drinking almost every day and became.
[00:06:58] Marci: Like going to the [00:07:00] clubs and just the party lifestyle. It was all about escape. Right? It was all about escaping.
[00:07:05] Dominique: Yeah. There's a lot of layers that you just unpacked. Yeah. And you truncated it into like maybe about 10 years, but there's a lot that sounds like there was going on. Yes. Was there like a moment for you where you realized.
[00:07:18] Dominique: As a kid, like maybe this isn't normal or maybe, you know, this is something that is really concerning. Was it all just kind of a blur and you were processing it like once you got into adulthood, or did you feel like throughout that experience that like something was wrong at every stage?
[00:07:33] Marci: I knew that the, my mother's life was not normal.
[00:07:38] Marci: I knew what was happening in the house was not normal, but it was just trying to navigate what was being given to me. And so I would try to stay away from the house as much as I could as soon as I found alcohol and started finding other kids that were experimenting and. [00:08:00] People became just kind of transactional for me because I moved so much right and started over so much that I didn't know how to bond with people so much.
[00:08:12] Marci: So I was always chasing happiness. If I was unhappy, I would just move friends Later on in life, I would move apartments, I would move boyfriends, I would move life and or move jobs. But the reality is I was always taking myself with me and. My pain and my trauma that I was always trying to push down or drink away.
[00:08:33] Dominique: Absolutely.
[00:08:34] Marci: Or I was always trying to be in a relationship and, and. Be a people pleaser and help other people. So I didn't have to pay attention to my own pain, if that makes sense. Right. And it also sounds like
[00:08:47] Dominique: maybe even get some of that validation from other people, whether it's like, oh, it's
[00:08:51] Marci: validation,
[00:08:51] Dominique: men work.
[00:08:52] Dominique: Mm-hmm. Like I, you know, a lot of us seek out validation. That's a very normal part of our life. Yeah. But. I think when that validation is constantly coming from the [00:09:00] external or coming from people mm-hmm. It might not seem like an issue. Or when you're young, when you're a teenager, young adult, it might not feel that way.
[00:09:08] Dominique: So I think that's definitely like a sign to be wary of
[00:09:11] Marci: Yeah.
[00:09:12] Dominique: In high school. Yeah. That's also when experimenting and drinking is so normalized. It is. So if someone. Is starting to exhibit the first couple of signs of an alcohol problem, then that can very easily get like swept under the ear rug because it's dismissed as kids experimenting and it's just normal experiment.
[00:09:30] Dominique: Yeah, there's a lot of complexity right there.
[00:09:33] Marci: Yeah. I mean, my whole life was about looking for validation and that came from the abandonment. My father not being in my life, there's abandonment. Mm-hmm. And, and so am I not lovable. Why was a mistake and while I don't wanna discount my grandparents loving me, my aunts being around me.
[00:09:54] Marci: Mm-hmm. We really ultimately just want that love from our parents. Absolutely. Right. That's really [00:10:00] hard. And then. Seeing the difficult relationships my mother was in and the drinking, and so fighting and screaming and you know, being abused in some way was very normalized and then pretending something didn't happen, you know, the next day.
[00:10:19] Marci: Right. Just to get past it. So these are all layers of. Me not being able to have positive coping Right. Mechanisms in my adulthood. Always looking for that outside validation, like you said. And you know, it's one thing when we're growing up and we're a teenager, that's just kind of the way it is. Right?
[00:10:41] Marci: You're looking mm-hmm. For, for from your parents, your teachers, your coaches, whoever it may be. But if you have a strong support system, you can learn to trust yourself and the decisions Absolutely. That you're making and have that confidence, which I never had.
[00:10:58] Dominique: Yeah, that makes sense. 'cause you're, you're looking to your [00:11:00] parents for mm-hmm.
[00:11:01] Dominique: That boundary, right? Whether this is okay. Whether it's not okay. You're looking to them for that source of support or protection. Right. What was your mom's response to the things that were going on? Like I know you mentioned that she used drinking as well as her avenue.
[00:11:14] Marci: Mm-hmm.
[00:11:14] Dominique: When she saw that you were drinking or she saw that maybe things were getting more out of hand than she had expected, did she respond in any kind of way or, mm-hmm.
[00:11:23] Dominique: Was it just something that was totally perceived as. What was normal? It, it was normalized
[00:11:28] Marci: even more so than, you know, me just going out on the weekends. Okay. If we went on a family vacation, I'd say family being my mother and my stepdad, Richard. I'm 13 years old. We're in Singapore and I'm drinking a Singapore sling.
[00:11:46] Marci: Right. So it's just. I'm on vacation. It's part of it like my 13 year, he was like having a soda. My 13-year-old child would never have a drink with me, but I was also being groomed by my stepfather, right? He was seeing [00:12:00] me as maybe an object or an older a. Version of, of really what I was, right. He had already tried to touch me in the movies and I didn't tell my mother, but then when we were in Singapore and then Hong Kong, he tried to look at me under mm-hmm.
[00:12:18] Marci: The mm-hmm. There were like slats in this one door and there was a glass shower. And granted, I'm 13. Okay. He's watching, trying to watch me in the shower, and I saw his presence over there. Mm-hmm. And I like jump out and, I mean, I'm in, you're in panic mode. You're freaking out, right? Yeah, right. Like, oh my God, as anyone would be Yeah, exactly.
[00:12:39] Marci: Let alone a kid. And so my mother came up and now he wanted to be alone in the room. And so I wasn't finished getting dressed. And so now I'm in the shock of what happened. The way that I dealt with all of this stuff is by having the perfect shell on the outside. Mm-hmm. [00:13:00] So the way that I looked was so important.
[00:13:04] Marci: 'cause that's what the only thing that I had control of. I had my makeup on trying to do this without crying, and then now my mom comes up and we have to leave. And I, I'm screaming, my hair's not done. I didn't get to blow dry my hair and she said, it's fine, Marcy. We'll go find someplace around the hotel.
[00:13:24] Marci: So we go out and she's trying to find me a place and I am lashing out at my mother only. Yeah, you were pissed off teenager. Yeah, imagine. Of course. And. My mother finally snaps and she ends up strangling me. And when she's strangling me, I scream out that I can't believe my God. Yeah, you are doing this to me and protecting a man that's abusing your child.
[00:13:55] Marci: And she stops Now she's in shock. What are you [00:14:00] talking about? And I tell her the things that have happened. I tell her that I, I really believe that things are happening to me in my sleep. I really, I knew in my gut that he was doing something to me, but I, I couldn't prove it at that time outside of the things that he had done when I was awake.
[00:14:16] Marci: And at that point it was basically that she couldn't leave and that I needed to wear more clothes when I slept.
[00:14:25] Dominique: There's so much going on because you're at that age where you're so vulnerable. Yes. You're telling your parent, your mother, this. Super scary, frightening thing that is happening.
[00:14:35] Marci: Mm-hmm.
[00:14:35] Dominique: She's basically telling you that your feelings don't matter.
[00:14:38] Marci: Yeah. Again, not being protected, and now she's choosing this man that is doing this horrible thing to her daughter. I'm not feeling loved, like, how could you love me and do this? But again, now it's another layer of surviving. Right, so now it's [00:15:00] finally out in the open. She doesn't say anything to him. Now we have to go on and act like nothing happened.
[00:15:05] Marci: Then we go back home. At this time where I'm living in Houston, Texas, and it finally happens where I wake up and it's confirmed his hands between my legs. Oh my God. At this time I'm in high school. I think I was in ninth grade. I have a pact with my girlfriend that we're both gonna commit suicide. I see.
[00:15:31] Marci: No way out. You feel
[00:15:32] Dominique: hopeless?
[00:15:33] Marci: Yeah. I see no way out. And I then. I go to school that day after I woke up with this hand between my legs. I can barely function at this point. I get home, my mother can tell. Obviously something is very wrong, and I tell her for the first time, she calls a hotline, trying to figure out like, how do we do this?
[00:15:58] Marci: What to do, right? Mm-hmm. What do [00:16:00] we do? Richard comes home, what's going on? She goes back and tells him what has happened. He says that I knew it was happening and I wanted it. Ultimately my mother ended up staying. Wow. It's a double whammy. Yeah, and we ended up, I always, all this stuff is in my book, chaos to Clarity, like in detail.
[00:16:26] Marci: But then we ended up going to the Woodlands, Texas. So I just say we bought a more beautiful home. Mm-hmm. With this disastrous life, I blocked out the time, right? Living in that house. I got a boyfriend. I ended up staying most of the time with him at his mother's house. It's to get outta the house now. The drinking is excessive.
[00:16:51] Marci: They're fighting is beyond. My mom finally left him the summer after my junior year of high school. [00:17:00] I begged her not to move because. This is another part of my life that every two years I change schools and I just was like, please do not make me move. It's so difficult my last year of high school. And so that's why I was saying like people were interchangeable To me, it's really quite sad.
[00:17:21] Dominique: Well, it showed you that the people that were supposed to protect you couldn't. Yeah. Or wouldn't. Right. And so there's a lot of complications there, but it's also just feels like you've never had a safety net as a kid.
[00:17:31] Marci: Yeah.
[00:17:32] Dominique: Yeah. And how are you supposed to build trust, right? Or healthy relationships when you've never been modeled that from your parents.
[00:17:39] Dominique: Exactly. Exactly
[00:17:41] Marci: outside of my grandparents, but then it's like, yeah, but my grandfather like the, the fighting, the yelling, like he even pulled a gun at one time. It's just like the stories chaos. It's just like my book. Chaos. Yeah. To clarity. Yeah. So ultimately I [00:18:00] got out of that situation and now. Now it's time to start my life.
[00:18:05] Marci: And finally, after trying three different schools, my grandmother stepped in and she was like, let's get you tested. Let's see where your interests lie. And so it just showed that I was a creative soul and it took me to the Art Institute of Houston and started my pathway in media. Believe it or not, I had a successful career.
[00:18:29] Marci: Mm-hmm.
[00:18:30] Dominique: Life looked good on the outside. If you were still drinking, how did that affect your career in the early stages?
[00:18:35] Marci: Mm. I can't even imagine how well I would've done sober because I was always in survival mode, like I was determined mm-hmm. That I was going to do well, even though I was drinking every single day.
[00:18:52] Marci: I would go out sometimes wouldn't get any sleep. It was normal for me to come home and drink, go out on the weekends. Right. And And
[00:18:59] Dominique: especially [00:19:00] if you're working in corporate media too. Yeah. It's very normalized to go out after work and yes, it was happy hour. It's just part of the culture or
[00:19:06] Marci: even go drink at lunch.
[00:19:08] Marci: Mm-hmm. And you know, it's just very normal. Absolutely. Prior to that I was working in restaurants. So I mean, that's all you do is party. You work to make money to drink or do drugs, if that's what you do, I did do well. Whatever situation you put me in, I would be whoever you wanted me to be or whoever I thought you wanted me to be.
[00:19:30] Dominique: I think that's definitely a survival mechanism. Yeah. Right there. Mm-hmm. I feel like people. Especially when it goes back to childhood, when they've been forced to protect themselves. Mm-hmm. I feel like they've learned how to adapt to almost any relationship. Right. Situation that they're in. Yeah. So I definitely think that's like a, yeah, a connection right there.
[00:19:48] Dominique: Yeah.
[00:19:49] Marci: So there was that, and then, and also always being the victim. So it's really hard to navigate relationships [00:20:00] and. Have the empathy for someone else or understand how you have a role in something because somebody else is always wronging you, right? You, you're always on the defense. And so ultimately I moved to Denver, then I moved to LA and.
[00:20:19] Marci: I met who would become my husband in LA and became the director of On-Air Promotions at at fx. I still, to this day, can't understand how I made that all happen.
[00:20:31] Dominique: So how did you make it happen? Did you have a support system during that time? I know you said you met your husband at that point. Did you have anyone that you felt like you could really rely on?
[00:20:40] Marci: I was always a one man show. I had my family to an extent. My mother was in my life. I always had the hope that we would have a normal mother-daughter relationship because she was navigating her own addiction at that time, and right throughout [00:21:00] most of my life did not care who I hurt or how I got there, but I was going to be a winner.
[00:21:11] Marci: I hate to sound that way, but I was so determined not to be my mother that I would do whatever it took, even though I was harming myself by drinking every day, I was also doing it as a warrior because I was not going to fail.
[00:21:30] Dominique: Do you feel like you were doing that to like prove something to yourself or maybe even prove it to your mom?
[00:21:35] Dominique: Always. Always proving something to myself.
[00:21:38] Marci: Yeah. And hopefully proving it to others. Right, right. Always looking for, again, that validation, whether it was from my family, whether it was from who I was dating or friends. But again, it was hard for me. To have friends.
[00:21:57] Dominique: You wanna feel like there are people that you [00:22:00] can trust.
[00:22:00] Dominique: Yeah. But a lot of us are probably thinking, well, I can't trust anyone. Right. So you end up pushing people away.
[00:22:04] Marci: Yeah. I always wanted
[00:22:05] Dominique: to be loved. I always wanted to have that, but it was not easy. You started to talk a little bit about grieving your mom in the sense where you always wanted this version of your mom that you never got.
[00:22:17] Dominique: What was that experience like for you? I just
[00:22:20] Marci: always craved the love. That I, I thought you should receive from your mother and the approval in being chosen. I know myself as a mother, and especially now as a sober mother, and who I am today, is probably always who I, mm-hmm. Longed for my mother to be. But in her active addiction, she could have never been.
[00:22:50] Marci: I mean, I would go to therapist and I just remember them talking to me like, Marcy, you've got to let go of this idea of what you [00:23:00] think this relationship. Should be with your mother, because that's, for the most part, is probably not likely to ever happen. Yeah.
[00:23:09] Dominique: And that must be incredibly hard to hear.
[00:23:11] Marci: Yeah.
[00:23:11] Dominique: And to really try to wrap your head around. Right. 'cause there we're always trying to satisfy that child within Right. A hundred percent. So it's not just, you know. Marcy at 20, or Marcy at 30. It's Marcy at six years old and 12 years old. Yeah. Who wants that love and affection from their parents? Right.
[00:23:28] Marci: And they always say, right when that trauma happens, you get stuck at that age.
[00:23:34] Dominique: That's the person who's like navigating you in adulthood. Exactly. Exactly.
[00:23:38] Marci: And then I was living in California and my mother remarried, moved to California and, and I of course was so excited that my mother was going to be there. I had gotten married. Started a family, now I have my baby.
[00:23:53] Dominique: Mm-hmm.
[00:23:54] Marci: And we end up putting my mom in rehab.
[00:23:56] Marci: We have an intervention. It was a [00:24:00] whole nother mess now that I am having to deal with when I need my mom, since my senior year of high school, except for when I was escaping and running away. I took on that kind of mother role with her.
[00:24:15] Dominique: Mm-hmm.
[00:24:16] Marci: For a lot of my life. And, and that's where I was again. And then my husband had an opportunity in New Jersey and my mom got a divorce because she wouldn't get sober and, and you can't make anyone get sober.
[00:24:32] Marci: Right. And I always told her like my husband didn't want her around us anymore. Because I would go to bed every night, scared to death that she was going to end up getting in a car accident. Started with constant DWIs, jail time, rehabs. I mean, once that all started, it becomes
[00:24:52] Dominique: like the revolving door. It
[00:24:53] Marci: never changed.
[00:24:54] Marci: She would get sober, be in a halfway house and relapse. And so [00:25:00] it, it was just a constant, constant. And. Once I got sober, it was really, really hard to navigate that because I wanted, I'm doing it right. Mm-hmm. Like now I'm doing it. How can I help my mom do it? So again, I'm, I was always taking on this idea of like, I can help my mom.
[00:25:25] Dominique: Yeah.
[00:25:26] Marci: I can make it right for my mom.
[00:25:28] Dominique: And then I guess also maybe hoping that in return you get that love and support from her. Exactly. And then if
[00:25:34] Marci: she couldn't be there for me, maybe that she could be there as. The nana. Mm-hmm. To my, my kids, you know? Right.
[00:25:41] Dominique: It sounds like throughout the years you've lost your mom time and time again.
[00:25:46] Marci: A hundred percent. Good way to put it.
[00:25:47] Dominique: Not just, you know, when she couldn't live up to your expectations as a child, but also you know, her not being able to support you in adulthood, maybe the way that you wanted to be supported. Mm-hmm. Or you know, when you had to leave LA and [00:26:00] go to Jersey and not be able to take her with her.
[00:26:01] Dominique: It sounds like there was a lot of losing your mom Yeah. That you needed to come to terms with in grief. Throughout the years, I was living in grief
[00:26:10] Marci: most of my life over my mother. Absolutely. Absolutely. And then my mom died from her disease five years ago, and then there was the actual grief of her not being around anymore.
[00:26:24] Marci: My aunt called. My husband and when he came in to tell me, I remember screaming out, crying, and then I just fell into peace because I realized she no longer has to fight the demons of her addiction, and I no longer have to fight the demons of her addiction. It then became a very peaceful moment. I have forgiven my mom [00:27:00] through this time with her in heaven, and I know that we've connected and I know she's with me.
[00:27:06] Marci: She showed mm-hmm some incredible signs. She was with me on the other side, especially in the beginning. And listen. I mean, I had to let go of what she did to me because it's only harming me. Forgiveness is so freeing, and this is something I speak on a lot because if we stay stuck in the old story and the pain of those stories, it's only hurting ourselves.
[00:27:36] Marci: Right? And I'm, I'm asked a lot, how did you forgive your mother?
[00:27:41] Dominique: That was gonna be my next question. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:27:42] Marci: Right. So I had to see my mom, not as my mom, but as a human being separate from all the roles that she was, what was her childhood like? How did she feel about herself? I saw from my mom that the only [00:28:00] validation she did get is from men.
[00:28:02] Marci: Mmm. So it was the same cycle there, and then that party lifestyle escaping, always escaping. And I saw my mom as a very weak person. So yeah, while I always had to be in a relationship, I still was strong enough to stand up for myself, and my mom just really never had that. Yeah. And she did the best that she could.
[00:28:32] Marci: I believe she did the best that she could, and I go back and I think about the times, like she didn't leave my stepdad when mm-hmm. She knew that was happening, but I think there were a lot of layers for her. I think that there was fear of what would happen from him. There was fear of what my grandparents would think of her again.
[00:28:50] Marci: Right. Like she was in survival mode too. Exactly. But it was like, I don't think she felt like she could do it. Yeah. There was no way that she could do it on her own. [00:29:00]
[00:29:00] Dominique: And like you said earlier, um, that she had you, I believe you said she was 18 or 19 Yeah. She had just turned 19. Yeah. So she was still a kid herself?
[00:29:08] Dominique: Yes. There was still a lot of growing up and tools and resources, right. That she probably didn't have at the time. Mm-hmm. And you had mentioned when we experienced that trauma, we, our age is stunted, so whatever she must have experienced as a child, it sounds like she never felt protected or maybe Yeah.
[00:29:23] Dominique: She was looking for that external validation and that came up from men for her. That's exactly
[00:29:28] Marci: right. My grandfather had a, mm-hmm. Very explosive temper. She was the first child born in 55. She wasn't allowed to leave the house, have friends, and when she met my dad. Maybe she was 16, 17 years old, so I had to let it go.
[00:29:48] Marci: I've healed a lot, but I still have healing to do.
[00:29:50] Dominique: There's always a lot to process. Exactly. It sounds like you've processed a lot of it. Right. Is there anything that you would say to people who are listening mm-hmm That might be grieving in a [00:30:00] non-traditional way?
[00:30:01] Marci: Well, I think there's the grief and there's also a lot of guilt 'cause be because you feel like you.
[00:30:08] Marci: You think you could have done something if I just did something more? If I did it this way, if I talked to somebody, you did the best that you could and you cannot change someone else no matter what. You can't make someone choose to get sober or help themselves. It is a decision they have to make on their own.
[00:30:30] Marci: So I would ask anyone out there that feels that. They wish they could have done more. Yeah. Or if I just said this or if I just did this. No, you can't change someone else's addiction or someone else's path. You can give healthy feedback or ideas, but please let yourself off the hook if you feel some guilt around that and I understand it.
[00:30:59] Marci: [00:31:00] Because I had it. I had the living guilt, and then after my mom passed away, but I've made the realization that I only could do as much as I could do. And I couldn't change my mom and no one else out there can change a loved one that is going through the same,
[00:31:18] Dominique: you know, I love that you brought up the idea of being off the hook.
[00:31:21] Dominique: Mm-hmm. Or letting yourself off the hook. Mm-hmm. Because I think a lot of the times we can hold ourselves victim to Yeah. These standards that are sometimes unrealistic. Mm-hmm. Or these expectations that are unrealistic, like giving yourself permission Yeah. To back away if you need to. Yeah. Especially if it's gonna protect your own wellbeing and sanity.
[00:31:38] Marci: A hundred percent. And yeah, the reality is. Our own happiness only comes from within ourselves.
[00:31:46] Dominique: Yeah. It's a very powerful but also hard thing to grasp.
[00:31:50] Marci: So hard.
[00:31:51] Dominique: I promise I
[00:31:51] Marci: was there. I
[00:31:52] Dominique: promise. I know. I get you. I get you. Yeah. It's hard. So anyone that's listening, it doesn't happen overnight. No, it definitely takes some time and trying different [00:32:00] things.
[00:32:00] Dominique: Yeah. You started to talk about this idea of change. Mm-hmm. And that you can't change anyone. Yeah. You also talked about how you had some friends that were around, you met your husband during this time. For you, like what was the relationship that was the most impactful, or what was the relationship that changed the most from your active addiction to your sobriety?
[00:32:20] Marci: The relationship with my husband. Could you tell us more about it? Yeah. Yeah. So again, when you go into a relationship, you got your backpack with all your baggage, right? Right. And, um, how your parents were shape you a lot in, in your, in your relationships. So for me. Being the victim, being very reactive, needing a lot of attention.
[00:32:48] Marci: These are things that I needed from my husband, right? And if I didn't get it, I immediately went to yelling and reacting. Okay. My husband, [00:33:00] his parents never yelled, they never fought in front of him. He had a pretty stable upbringing, right? So for him to see. Kind of the crazy in me and bringing that into the relationship.
[00:33:17] Marci: We struggled a lot in the beginning of our relationship and then when we had our first child, like trying to make it all work because there was the love there, right. And we wanted it to work out. But I always say that for me. I didn't know how to love someone, and I didn't know how to be loved. I didn't know how to receive love.
[00:33:45] Marci: So even though my husband did love me, I was always questioning that love. Right? Again, that trust. Exactly. Not trusting it. And so that we [00:34:00] had a lot of problems because of that. And then on his end, he was in his thirties. He's in the midst of building his career. You know, he needs a support, not someone that needs a handheld, you know?
[00:34:16] Marci: Mm-hmm. All the time. And so. I didn't feel like we didn't meet in the middle. Right. You guys are both looking for different things. Exactly. Emotionally. Exactly, and so we fought a lot and then my drinking escalated later on in the relationship. Was he aware of your drinking? In the beginning, he was aware of it, but.
[00:34:40] Marci: I always, it's really interesting because I thought, well, yeah, I drink and mm-hmm. But so do you. Right, right. Again, the normalized behavior. Exactly. So why am I so different than you? And so what if I have a glass of wine at night? We have a glass of wine at dinner, I'm still [00:35:00] a good mom. I'm still keeping up the house.
[00:35:02] Marci: I'm in the community I'm working, or whatever. Mm-hmm. Whatever it is. Right. It's not affecting who I am or my ability to do. And that's why a lot of times we stay stuck mm-hmm. In that cycle of drinking because there's not these real consequences. Right. Or
[00:35:19] Dominique: it doesn't seem as much of a big deal. It does. If everything else is still
[00:35:22] Marci: functioning.
[00:35:23] Marci: Exactly. And. He just wasn't a drinker like I was. Right. So, mm-hmm. I was like, well, what makes your way right? Right.
[00:35:31] Dominique: Mm-hmm.
[00:35:32] Marci: So he did notice it. He didn't like it. We did talk about it. It caused some problems, but it didn't get really bad. So we got married in my early thirties, his mid thirties. It wasn't until my forties that my drinking really escalated.
[00:35:51] Marci: Okay. So in my forties, I decided we had moved back to New Jersey. We now have two children and they [00:36:00] were getting older, and I decided to go after a lifelong dream of getting in front of the camera. Commercial print, then commercial acting. Mm-hmm. Indie film acting. But this process really brought out my insecurities feelings of being judged all the time.
[00:36:19] Marci: So just imagine it's a lot of pressure. You're always going for these auditions, being judged, and it's like. Why you feel like you're never good enough? Am I gonna get the gig? Like the rollercoaster is never ending, right? So my drinking started escalating. Maybe if I have a glass of wine before I go to the audition, right, it'll ease my nerves.
[00:36:43] Marci: Maybe if I get the gig, I'll have my liquid courage. Mm-hmm. So just the liquid courage. So now just, that's where that slippery slope was starting. The fighting with my husband was really escalating. He was recognizing that my drinking was getting out of hand. I was drinking [00:37:00] more, and so things were really not going well in our relationship.
[00:37:06] Marci: So then once my last day of drinking, I went on a modeling gig. I ended up having my liquid courage. I went out with a girlfriend afterwards. I ended up getting a DUI. Went to bed. That victim hating my husband. It's his fault. Everything's his fault. Mm-hmm. If he was around more, all these circumstances were different.
[00:37:27] Marci: The blame, I wouldn't have done it right. I wouldn't have done it, but I woke up that next day, October 4th, 2015, and everything shifted for me on that day, and that's where I made the decision that. This time, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get sober. I don't wanna lose my husband. I don't wanna lose my children.
[00:37:47] Marci: The life that I had built a beautiful life, right? You saw my life from the outside. I mean, a lot of people envy that type of life. And I went downstairs. I admitted to [00:38:00] myself first. That I needed help. And then I talked to my husband and he embraced me. And it was that first time that I felt that love that, oh, I love that.
[00:38:07] Marci: I was always seeking, it was the most beautiful moment, like so after that, yeah, like my husband didn't run away. He was there for me and supported me. And as I grew, he grew as I'm learning to change and communicate and become more spiritually fit and recognize my role. He too was doing the same. I was doing it through the 12 step program, but he was doing it through my recovery.
[00:38:37] Marci: I love that. So it was really beautiful.
[00:38:38] Dominique: Yeah. Was this like the first time that you guys were having this big conversation around, like, what was sparking your decision to make a change towards recovery? Have you guys had this kind of conversation before or had you made strides before? Well, first of all, I'll
[00:38:51] Marci: say way back when in my early twenties.
[00:38:53] Marci: Mm-hmm. Like around 20, I got two DUIs. Okay. And I, I did try to get sober while I did for about three [00:39:00] months. I was too young. The forever thing was too overwhelming and I was working in restaurants, so I ended up. Not staying, obviously in sobriety. Then a year before I decided to get sober, I knew my drinking was getting a little out of hand.
[00:39:17] Marci: I was thinking about it all the time. My husband was wanting me to get healthy. Mm-hmm. I was waking up in the middle of the night always saying, I'm not gonna do it the next day. How can I normalize this? How can I do this without quitting altogether, but not turning into my mom? Right, right. So I ended up going to the 12 step program, and that was in 2014, and I was sober for about three months.
[00:39:44] Marci: But everybody was like, you're not an alcoholic, you don't drink too much. What are you talking about? And I was comparing myself in the rooms, the stories of others. Right? Which is the worst thing you can do is compare your [00:40:00] story with other people and you convince yourself it's not that bad. Mm-hmm. Right?
[00:40:06] Marci: There's nothing wrong. You're not an alcoholic. Right. But if you're there, I think people have
[00:40:10] Dominique: like this illusion of what? Yeah. What, what an, what a problem actually is, whether it's drugs or alcohol. Exactly. Like there's like this vision and it's like not everyone like leads up to this one vision. Yeah.
[00:40:19] Dominique: Everyone's story is gonna be very different. It is,
[00:40:21] Marci: it is. I always say one of the tools, right, is popping that tape. These thoughts start creeping in your head. What would happen if you had that first drink?
[00:40:29] Dominique: Like knowing what was gonna come. The domino effect of Exactly. Your reaction, your actions.
[00:40:35] Marci: Yeah. And how it's going to affect not only yourself, how you feel about yourself then around everybody around you.
[00:40:42] Marci: Yeah.
[00:40:42] Dominique: So it seems like one of the first signs of that awareness that mm-hmm. One might have either your drinking or a drug problem is the patterns. Yeah. So seeing from like your past experiences, like. When I do X, this thing usually doesn't work out the way I want it to. Yeah, exactly. Or this relationship ends up in this [00:41:00] situation.
[00:41:00] Dominique: So it seems like at this point you already had the awareness that like these patterns weren't working for you, whatever. Right. The results were Right.
[00:41:07] Marci: And I think there's a lot of people out there that kind of in that. Gray area. Mm-hmm. Or they're questioning their drinking. And I'd say, you don't have to hit that rock bottom to make the change.
[00:41:18] Marci: And I love that there's all the awareness around now and more, you know, open conversations. Right. And even like dry January. So just kind of testing the waters there for yourself. It doesn't have to be forever, but I would say if you think about it, you question it. You're noticing that, that there are struggles in your relationship or maybe your job or how your parenting, I mean, I remember just praying for patience all the time, right?
[00:41:49] Marci: But really. That drinking alcohol you think is gonna calm those nerves, and maybe it does for the first glass of wine, but then it affects, it's that [00:42:00] snowball effect there. It's short lived. Yeah. Right. It's very short lived. Maybe you're drinking more, then you can't, you may fall asleep, but then your sleep is affected.
[00:42:08] Marci: Right. You're in the fog the next day you're not eating right. There's all these things. It becomes like a rinse cycle.
[00:42:13] Dominique: Repeat.
[00:42:14] Marci: Exactly.
[00:42:15] Dominique: You had mentioned at this point you had two children.
[00:42:17] Marci: Yes.
[00:42:18] Dominique: If you don't mind me asking, were they aware of like, any changes within you or did they notice that like, there's something going on with mom or You mean Um, while I was drinking.
[00:42:27] Dominique: While you were drinking? Yeah.
[00:42:28] Marci: So it was not, I mom always had that glass of wine at the end of the day. Or when, then we went to a restaurant or when we went on vacation, but it wasn't, it was not at a place where they would see mom passed out on the couch. It wasn't like it was getting out of hand in front of 'em or anything like that.
[00:42:49] Marci: It wasn't like that where the most destruction that was happening was the fighting between my husband and me. That's where the most destruction was [00:43:00] coming from for my children. But then towards the end, there were a handful of blackouts. Okay. And making bad decisions of, of getting behind the wheel of the car when I'd been drinking.
[00:43:11] Dominique: Yeah.
[00:43:12] Marci: And that's when things were really starting to get out of hand. And yeah, my kids were probably, there were things that they were starting to take notice of.
[00:43:21] Dominique: Once you started working on your recovery process, how did that change how you showed up as a parent? I think that. When you have
[00:43:28] Marci: trauma abandonment mm-hmm.
[00:43:31] Marci: You show up as a parent with all of that and you try to either rectify it as a parent and be a different parent, or you bring the destructive behaviors. Into your parenting. So for me, I became that mother that never wanted my children to feel abandonment. I became like a helicopter mom doing everything for my kids.
[00:43:59] Marci: Like I [00:44:00] never wanted them to feel like I didn't love them.
[00:44:03] Dominique: Mm.
[00:44:04] Marci: So I overly loved, if that makes sense. Yeah. But I also was very reactive once I was sober and started doing the work. I started showing up as a calmer presence.
[00:44:18] Dominique: Mm.
[00:44:20] Marci: In my parenting. I wasn't reactive to my children. I wasn't screaming at them. I wasn't defensive.
[00:44:28] Marci: They would say things and my feelings would get hurt so badly. Right. But really that was past pain. The things that they would say would trigger those things for me. And so I. I have shown up now as a, a parent and a person, first and foremost, I see my child as someone I can learn from. Also. I love that I am always trying to evolve to be a better person and learn.
[00:44:59] Marci: [00:45:00] And I think we can learn a lot from our children and they are the most honest. Mm-hmm. And if they are saying, you know, like, mom, you're overreacting to something. Maybe you are and look at it. Why are you reacting? Right? It's like
[00:45:15] Dominique: that clarity that, yeah. You know, sometimes we can have tunnel vision.
[00:45:18] Dominique: Exactly. And we're in the same situation or same relationships day in and day out. But I think there's something, especially if your kids are younger. They, there's a level of that innocence where they can see things a little bit more clearly. Exactly. So I think maybe taking a step a second and taking a step back to maybe think about it from their lens, how they might be perceiving Right.
[00:45:36] Dominique: The relationship with you or the situation.
[00:45:38] Marci: Yeah. And it doesn't have to be like this, uh, yes. You, you are authority and you are. Mm-hmm. I demand respect from my children, but I don't go into it as a, a person that. Is
[00:45:54] Dominique: in complete control. Right. Does that make sense? Absolutely. I mean, like are you still recognizing that [00:46:00] where your kids might be coming from or having their own experience?
[00:46:02] Dominique: Exactly. I want them
[00:46:03] Marci: to feel empowered. Which is something I didn't have. And so I'm just learning all the time how to be a better individual and be a better person for my kids so they can be the best version of themselves. And I often, and I didn't have this, this before. Yeah. But people are always like.
[00:46:27] Marci: Wow. You know your kids, they come to you about everything and you have just like this great relationship with your kids. Like how do you do that? And. I just have to say that it's been through my healing and facing my own demons that it has allowed me to show up in a different way percent for my kids to allow them to heal and expand and evolve into hopefully great humans themselves.
[00:46:57] Marci: And just like in my book, it's. [00:47:00] Breaking those cycles, those generational cycles, my God, they've been passed on. How many generational cycles are in your family that you are now bringing into your life? 100%. Right. And I've had to recognize that and make those changes, and I thank God every day and my higher power is a huge part of that.
[00:47:23] Marci: My spiritual connection and loving myself, loving myself has allowed me. To love my children and love them in a way that is productive.
[00:47:37] Dominique: I love that.
[00:47:37] Marci: Yeah,
[00:47:38] Dominique: and I think what's so important that you mentioned is like, I think people need to have. Some kind of motivation or some kind of external factor that want, that helps them pursue their recovery.
[00:47:49] Dominique: Mm-hmm. And it sounds like for you, part of that was your children too.
[00:47:52] Marci: Oh, a hundred percent. And listen, I know my mom loved me because I know my mother would not have chosen her [00:48:00] disease and that dysfunctional life over loving her daughter. Yeah, absolutely. It's just not, there's just no way. I did find out later on in my life that she had gone to my grandparents and asked for help that she wanted to quit drinking.
[00:48:13] Marci: But we didn't know, and my grandmother said, you need to pull yourself together. And get yourself together and get yourself sober or just stop drinking. But again, it's 'cause it, there wasn't the education, the understanding. And look at us now. I mean, we have the sober podcasts, we have the communities, social media communities.
[00:48:36] Marci: We have communities online. I'm thankful that we are normalizing this conversation. So there is a shift and, and younger people aren't drinking like we used to. I mean, I'm a lot older than you are, but there is a shift.
[00:48:51] Dominique: There definitely is. I think it was recently, a couple weeks ago, I read a story. I read an article actually, where it's saying Gen Z has, they're the [00:49:00] generation that's like drinking the least.
[00:49:01] Dominique: Yes. Opposed to any of the past generations. Yes. Which I think is really interesting. Yeah. So I definitely think normalizing these conversations is. Part of that, or part of that is due to those conversations. So I think it's just interesting to think about.
[00:49:14] Marci: Yeah, growing up you didn't have these conversations.
[00:49:18] Marci: It was shameful. You kept it in the family, and when you stay silent, you stay isolated, you stay sick.
[00:49:25] Dominique: Absolutely. Mm-hmm. Is there anything that you wish your younger self knew about? Whether it's about protecting yourself or whether it's about learning new healthy coping habits. Mm-hmm. Um, is there anything you'd want to tell that six or 12-year-old version of mercy?
[00:49:42] Marci: I wish that I would've known different ways of coping at that time, but again, it was survival at that time. But what I would tell myself that you have to go through all this pain. So you can then make a change in your life when you get older [00:50:00] and help a lot of people.
[00:50:01] Dominique: Absolutely. Yeah. I love that.
[00:50:03] Marci: Mm-hmm.
[00:50:04] Dominique: What's one thing that you wish that someone is listening? Would be able to understand or know if they're unsure how help their loved one struggling with addiction.
[00:50:13] Marci: You don't have to do it alone. There is a lot of help. I would really recommend you seek help because you can't do this thing alone. I tried to navigate it.
[00:50:24] Marci: My family tried to navigate it all alone and we didn't know the right way to handle it with my mother and. There's Al-Anon. I've become involved with an organization called mm-hmm Shatterproof. They have help for families. There are so many online communities. You don't have control of the situation like you think you do.
[00:50:46] Dominique: Absolutely.
[00:50:47] Marci: I would say SAMHSA or Shatterproof are two great resources. Mm-hmm. I was an only child. I can't imagine watching a [00:51:00] sibling like you, you're not navigating these or having to deal with these demons. Mm-hmm. In the same way that your sibling, you want to be able to help in such some way, but. Find a support group and a community because you don't have to do it alone.
[00:51:18] Marci: Absolutely. There's so much pain and when you do find help and you do find those that are navigating the same, you're gonna find tips and, and ways of coping and, and maybe ways of helping your loved one.
[00:51:31] Dominique: Absolutely. Mm-hmm. I 100% agree with that. And I love that you brought up that there's so many different types of resources mm-hmm.
[00:51:36] Dominique: And support out there. Yeah. You know. Recovery is not a one size fits all approach. Mm-hmm. And I think it goes the same for families who are looking for support for their loved ones, whether it is a parent or child or sibling. Yeah. So I love that you brought that up. Yeah. And definitely agree with Chad or prove there are actually resources that I lean on, so I will be sure to link that in the bio folks who are listening.
[00:51:57] Dominique: So thank you so much for Marcy, for coming onto the show and [00:52:00] sharing your story. Yeah. And taking a minute to provide some advice for families who are probably at their most vulnerable moments.
[00:52:07] Marci: Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. Of course. And for all the work that you do. I'm going to release the book April 7th, which is Alcohol Awareness Month.
[00:52:16] Marci: The name of the book is Wake Up, you're Not Broken, what to Expect In the First 30 Days of Sobriety. And it's really a guide to help. Exactly that. You know, it, it was a guide. I wish that I had what you're going to go through, what's happening chemically in your body, how to talk with your family, how families can help and so on.
[00:52:37] Marci: I will also have an expert section, what the experts have to say and, and a lot of support in there, um, of where you can find help. Then also my other book, chaos to Clarity, seeing the signs and breaking the cycles will be coming out in the next couple months on audio. So I'm excited about that. Awesome.
[00:52:56] Dominique: Well, thank you. These sound like great resources for families who wanna learn [00:53:00] how to support their loved one.
[00:53:01] Marci: Yeah.
[00:53:02] Dominique: And understand what their loved one might be going through. So I really appreciate that. Yeah. Thank you so much.
[00:53:06]
[00:53:11] Dominique: Thanks for listening to this episode of For Love of Recovery. If you enjoyed this episode or know somebody who might, please leave a comment and share it. You can also join our Facebook group, siblings for Love of Recovery. If you're looking to have deeper conversations around your siblings drug or alcohol addiction, and remember whether there's hope, there's healing.