My brother’s addiction: Learning how to be his sister–not mom
About the Episode
I used to think it was normal—expected, even—for older siblings to step in as a “third parent,” especially when addiction takes hold of a brother or sister. But the deeper my brother’s addiction pulled him in, the more I realized that the real change had to start with me.
In this episode, I open up about my journey from being consumed by fear, anger, and shame to accepting uncertainty, practicing compassion, and learning to meet my brother where he is. If you’ve ever felt torn between detaching or staying connected, I’ll share the research and real-life stories that helped me redefine my role—not as a parent, but as a sibling—while strengthening our bond in the process.
Host: Dominique Dajer, host and founder of For Love of Recovery
This episode will help you:
Understand how isolation can push someone further into addiction
See how siblings can be supportive without compromising their own boundaries
Find connection in another sibling’s experience, reminding you you’re not alone
Watch Now
Episode Links
📘 SIBLING CLOSENESS
The Double Bind of Siblings in Adolescent Substance Abuse Treatment
”RAT PARK” EXPERIMENT
“START WITH HOPE” CAMPAIGN
Resources
💬 JOIN OUR SIBLING-FOCUSED COMMUNITY
Join our Facebook group, Siblings For Love of Recovery for:
Connect with other siblings
Share your own story in a safe space
Support for navigating the journey
🤳 CONNECT WITH FOR LOVE OF RECOVERY
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/forloveofrecovery
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61561542956095
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Dominique: I'm an older sister to an affectionate, funny, and emotionally intelligent adolescent who has become hard to recognize because of his substance use. Though every now and then I still catch a glimpse of him. Maybe your sibling experience is nothing like mine, or maybe it hits a little too close to home, but I hope this episode introduces you to some new perspectives around what it may mean to be a sibling and some new tools to be a supportive one if they're struggling with substance use.
Dominique: Welcome to FLOR For Love and Recovery, where I'm your host, Dominique Dajer. Sibling relationships can be so unique, but they can become more complex when there's drug or alcohol use involved. If you find yourself questioning how to help, you're not alone.
Every month we bring together stories that empower you to better navigate your sibling's addiction, offer a sense of connection, and provide fresh perspectives on understanding substance use and how to protect your [00:01:00] peace. Join me on this journey in restoring hope and healing.
Because April 10th is National Sibling Day, I originally wanted to use this episode as a platform for Justin and I both to share our experiences and thoughts on how our relationship has evolved from childhood. Initially, Justin was actually really excited by the idea of it and is really amazed by some of the support he's received from listeners and the recovery community, but we both knew that it would be a challenging commitment for him.
That's one of the common threads that I've realized having a loved one with addiction is. When they say that they want to do something, whether it's seeking out recovery, participating in some kind of activity, or really make any kind of change, I do believe that they mean it in that specific moment, but that moment quickly comes and goes.
If you've listened into other episodes, then you may already know that Justin and I are about [00:02:00] 10 years apart and that I've struggled with playing the role of a second mom to him.
In this episode, I'll dig into a little bit of why that was and why and how I'm relearning what it means to just be a supportive sibling.
When I was about 9 or 10, my parents had casually asked me if I wanted to have a dog or a sibling, and my immediate response was, "I want a brother."
So, shocker, when Justin was born, I couldn't wait to connect with him when he got older. And as a teenager, I began connecting with him in ways more like a parent would than a sister. Because of the age difference, there weren't as many similar interests that we had.
So things like helping with homework, suggesting what he should or shouldn't do, and other responsibilities made me hyper aware of what his quirks were and some of his challenges.
I found myself becoming extremely overwhelmed and increasingly invested in his success. But the older my brother became, the harder and more out of control things got for him, our parents, and for me.
I'm not going to dive into tons of family dynamics, but [00:03:00] this is really to help tell the story of my relationship with my brother and how things evolved.
During Justin's early teenage years, he began experimenting with drugs recreationally and as a way to cope with his anxiety, ADHD, although he didn't really know it at the time, it was something that we noticed some of the symptoms of early on.
My parents and I all had different ways and opinions on how to address it.
Some of those involved consequences, encouraging therapy, dismissing his substance use as experimenting, and nothing really made a difference.
Fast forward a few years, our grandmother had unexpectedly passed away on my brother's 17th birthday, so we were all devastated. It was during this specific period I noticed something was very wrong.
My brother was nodding out in the middle of the day, his behavior was starting to change, and I later on learned that he was using prescription drugs for months.
Because I had moved out at the time, I hadn't immediately noticed these symptoms until he was right in [00:04:00] front of me for periods of time. So after worrying about whether or not he was okay and bringing it up to my parents, I was then struck by this overwhelming shame and embarrassment.
I was thinking, like, how could he do this? what is he thinking? Is he that irresponsible? All those types of questions that were filled with stigma and judgment. And when other family members asked about him, I felt guilty and angry for Making up an excuse, but still frightened at the same time around what this would mean for his future.
This was also during a time when fentanyl was becoming more prominent in the illicit drug supply. And I was becoming more and more worried around whether or not that was in what he was using.
As his addiction began to spiral, there was no denying that he needed professional help. And that yes, there was indeed fentanyl in the supplies he was using. I was super overwhelmed with the idea of him overdosing, the idea of him losing his future, and like, the idea of him dying, and I started looking for outside [00:05:00] resources.
Eventually, my mom and I began going to Nar-Anon meetings, and I sought out therapy. For those who might not be familiar with Naranon, it's similar to Narcotics Anonymous, but it's specifically designed for families and friends who have a loved one that's struggling with addiction.
When I started going to meetings and seeking out therapy, all my questions and the topics that I were bringing up were around searching for a way to fix my parents and to fix my brother's addiction. But eventually through conversations and some of the resources that I came across, I learned that it was actually my own thinking and my own expectations and behavior that really needed to change.
I was introduced to new tools like what boundaries were how to redirect most of my energy towards my own healing and placing less emphasis on trying to change others, which was actually the hardest thing to do. Up until that point, I was so focused on being like the second mom or a third parent and really thinking about how can I protect my brother?
I thought that was also the job of an older sibling was to look [00:06:00] out for their younger sibling.
So when I started coming across messaging and information that was limited around Me having to pull back and not do anything and I felt very stifled by inaction and I was really looking for resources on what I could actually do.
Shortly after attending my first couple of months at Naranon meetings and going to therapy, my brother had survived his first overdose. And eventually had multiple short stints at local and out of state rehabs. And after another overdose and living on and off the street, my brother's addiction just continued to really get worse and not better.
And the more toxic our family's communication became, the more consumed by his addiction we became. And there's a common saying, like, we became addicted to the addiction of my brother and just wanting to, quote, like, save him.
It felt like our family was in a perpetual cycle overwhelmed with fear, anger, sadness, guilt. But at the core of everything we did, whether it was [00:07:00] hurtful, whether it was carefully said, whether it was protecting ourselves. It was all about the love that we had for him.
Two of my favorite learnings from going to Naranon meetings are, one, what it means to be a helper. And it's not necessarily about doing things for others. but what we want to be for them.
2nd thing that I took away is to remember that all people are always changing. When we judge them, we judge what we believe we know of them.
I started to realize that I was grieving the loss of our relationship, which was strange because up until that point, I thought that grieving was only for the death of a loved one, but grief can manifest in different ways. And for me, that meant grieving the loss of our relationship and also the hopes and dreams that I had for him.
In addition to going to Naranon, I became, borderline obsessed with learning about the science of addiction and why it's classified as a substance use disorder. If you want to learn more about it, there are links in the show notes. for more.
Doing this research has helped me process the grief and what was actually occurring for me, my brother, and our entire [00:08:00] family. Going down the research rabbit hole, there were two key pieces of data that stood out to me. And ultimately, both of those pieces began to change my perception on the importance of maintaining relationships and connection with our loved ones who are struggling with addiction, as long as it's not on our own expense.
There's a lot of talk about cutting people off, letting them hit their rock bottom. And while that might be true for some people, it's not the case for everybody.
The first piece of research is a study from scientists at Montclair State University on whether families should increase or decrease adolescent sibling relationships when one of those siblings is using substances. I'll link the study in the show notes too.
The study analyzes how the implications of sibling support are heavily influenced by their experiences with their family, including their family dynamics, genetics, and how siblings model behavior.
The data focuses on four key sibling groups. One, when both or all siblings are using substances. Two, when none of the siblings are using [00:09:00] substances. Three, when the older sibling is using substances, but the younger isn't. And four, when the older sibling is not using substances, but the younger one is.
Justin and I fall into that last bucket, where I'm the older, not using substances, and he's the younger one who is.
For siblings in this group, the study recommends increasing sibling closeness. It notes that when a sibling struggles with substance use, strengthening the bonds with their non-US sibling can be really helpful. Older siblings can offer unique support, helping with recovery and spotting potential relapse triggers, sometimes even better than their parents.
However, it's crucial to educate the non-using sibling about substance use as they might view it differently than other illnesses.
I'm not going to get into all of that data and this is not medical advice, but it did help me validate my decision to find ways to support him and encourage him to get help rather than shut him out of my life or cut off all forms of communication.
The second piece of key data that I was really driven by to increase our relationship closeness came from a TED talk [00:10:00] given by Johan Hari called "Everything You Know About Addiction Is Wrong." Which I'll also link in the show notes.
Side note, if you love a good TED talk, let me know in the comments and I can draft you up a list of recommendations around addiction and relationships.
So back to Johan, in his TED talk, he talks about a science experiment that was done to understand what situations influence some rats to choose heroin over water and others to choose water over heroin.
Apparently, the brains of rats are oddly similar to humans.
Basically, they put one group of caged rats together with nothing but water and heroin infused water. In this group, the rats ultimately chose the heroin infused water and eventually died.
In the second group, they put the rats together with much more stimulation. There was food, water, activities, space for breeding and socializing, essentially building what they called a "rat park."
The rat park still included water and heroin infused water. And what they saw was that the rats consistently chose the regular water every time. All this to [00:11:00] say, isolation and a lack of stimulation and connection. often drives individuals to substance use when given the choice.
But when there's connection and the environment is changed, the likelihood of choosing the substance is considerably lower.
So between the double blind study in siblings, the rat park concept, and several other pieces of data that I came across, it helped me believe that not everyone needs to be alone and hit their "rock bottom" to be ready to make a change.
There are tons of other tools that have helped me too, so I've compiled them in a free ebook tailored just for siblings. You can download it with the link in the show notes.
Over the last couple of years. I've been searching for new ways to connect with my brother, show up with empathy and compassion without sacrificing my own wellbeing. So this has required continuing to set and communicate what my boundaries are.
A couple of Christmases ago, my ability to do just that was really being tested. And I had gone several months without speaking to Justin because he was living on and off the street, and I was trying to practice keeping some distance. He unexpectedly showed up to a family [00:12:00] event, and I had to be really intentional with what I wanted to say.
It wasn't until I was on my way there that I knew he was going to be there, so it did give me some time to preface the conversation I wanted to have, if I wanted to have one at all.
My family has a tradition of opening up Christmas gifts together and my brother didn't really have anything to open. I was hurt because, well, I still wanted to show that he was worthy of love despite his addiction.
I asked everyone in my family to write down on a post it one thing that they loved most about him or one of their favorite memories of him. After the holidays, I compiled all of them into a scrapbook with a bunch of other anecdotes showing our love and support, some of my favorite pictures and some messages that I thought would help provide some hope.
I was waiting for the right time to give my brother the scrapbook, but a week or so after Christmas, my brother had survived his second overdose the day before his birthday. So on his birthday, I decided to give him the scrapbook, and after opening it [00:13:00] and going through the pages together, he said it was one of the best gifts he's ever gotten.
I'm not telling you to go and make a scrapbook for your sibling for their birthday or any other holiday, but what I am saying is finding some new ways to explore what it meant to be supportive and show my love for him is what helped me still be authentic to myself without feeling that I needed to cut him off or impose some kind of like harsh consequence.
For more tips on protecting your mental health during family gatherings, check out our episode with Mina B "Navigating the holidays and family addiction."
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, Justin survived his third overdose. I went to go visit him and when I asked him about His experience and what happened, he said he didn't really want to talk about it, which I understood. But he did this really cute thing where he grabbed my hand and after noticing the surprise look on my face he said, "Yes, Dominique. I am holding your hand." And right then and there my heart just melted and that was enough.
I've had to learn the hard truth that [00:14:00] accepting my brother and his addiction doesn't mean I have to necessarily like it, but I can still encourage him and connect with him and show up for him when he's ready for help without shutting him out.
There are a lot of things that I'm doing now to help me understand what it actually means to be a supportive sibling. And I don't think there's necessarily a right or wrong way to do things, but it's a lot of testing to see what works best for you. What might work best for me might not work for you, and it's not about finding one specific approach. It's not about sticking to more of a tough love approach. It's not about necessarily following only harm reduction. It's not necessarily about doing one or the other. It's about finding the happy medium and what feels right to you.
Over the last couple of months, I started going to a sibling focused group through Thrive Family Recovery Resources, which introduces siblings to the Invitation to Change method. The Invitation to Change method is really a blend of ideologies from CRAFT harm reduction, tough love, and I think for me, it's more of that happy [00:15:00] medium of how I can still show up without sacrificing my own well being, my own boundaries, and not necessarily forcing someone to do something that they might not be ready for, but really about accepting them and meeting them wherever they are.
Some of these resources forced me to take a better look at why I felt this intense need Be there for my brother and be so, parent-like. And I learned about this term called parentification, or you might have heard the parentified child or the parentified daughter. The parentified daughter was something that really resonated with me. I felt like from a young age, whether I was asked to or I just wanted to take on these adult responsibilities or these parent like roles, that I wasn't really ready to do and I use that as a way to show up for my brother in a way that I thought was right, even if it was actually more harmful.
I had to learn the hard way and through a couple other harsh [00:16:00] realities that boundaries are not necessarily ultimatums that you, impose on others to incite a change in them. They're parameters that you place around yourself to protect your own wellbeing.
I went to this event at Advertising Week New York, which is like a big media marketing conference where brands come together.
Dominique: And I had attended a panel where there was someone from the National Council for Mental Wellbeing, Shatterproof, which is another nonprofit around raising awareness for addiction, and a couple other folks, where they were all talking about how
They collaborated on this campaign called start with hope.
You can look it up and I can also include that in the show notes. And there was this powerful story around this woman and her addiction recovery and it was so hopeful.
And I thought, wow, like, if only something like that existed for siblings and their families.
During that whole process, you know, going to Naranon, learning about the addiction and recovery space, I didn't really find [00:17:00] any sibling focused support, and that was something that I felt I really needed and could benefit from. So after the session, I connected with Courtney Lovell, who is, the Director at the National Council for Mental Wellbeing.
And she shared her recovery story with me and what her relationship was with her sister and it ignited a spark of hope for my family, and it made me feel seen and connected, like I had never before.
She also validated that there are more approaches beyond. Nar-Anon and Al-Anon, and quote "tough love."
After realizing that many of the actions and the things we say to the people in our lives that are misusing substances are because we love them and hope for their recovery, it sparked this mission to create resources and communities for siblings like us. So I started For Love of Recovery as a way for other people to get resources, but it really became a channel for my own healing.
While my [00:18:00] brother's addiction has continued to get worse, and there are times where I've continued to be scared or driven by fear, I feel like our relationship has actually gotten better. He's become more open and honest about why he's using substances, what the substances actually provide for him emotionally and mentally, and what some of the challenges are.
And while I'm not here to fix him or get him into a treatment program tomorrow, I think asking him questions and getting him to find his own personal motivation to want to make a change has been more helpful for both of us. It's allowed me to become more curious about our relationship, more curious about him. And it's given him an opportunity to reflect a little bit more on his own journey, rather than telling him what he should or shouldn't do.
Today I'm still navigating you know, this experience and it's hasn't really gotten easier, [00:19:00] but it's gotten easier for me to understand what my values are, what I'm comfortable doing and taking things day by day.
For Love of Recovery was born of the belief that siblings and their families shouldn't have to endlessly search for tools and a community to help them regain hope, understanding, and support around their loved one's use of drugs or alcohol. And that when we come from a place of love and empathy, not fear or guilt, hope and healing is possible.
What I would encourage is for people to have these conversations with their friends, their family, their loved ones around how they've been impacted by someone's substance use or having these conversations around what has and hasn't worked, because the more we can talk about the disease of addiction, the more we can break down some of the stigma, which is just as deadly as the disease itself.
For me, I've been practicing having conversations with people that I might not have opened up to, [00:20:00] but have surprised me in a lot of ways. One example is, I think it was last year after my brother survived his second overdose, I had Called out a day from work because I needed a just a mental health day and kind of like recoup from what our family was going through.
And when I got back to work, my team asked me, you know, how I was doing knowing that I had taken a sick day and I could have just said, , I was sick and I needed a day to get through food poisoning or whatever it was, but I actually opened up and told them that, my brother survived an overdose and he's been struggling with substance use for quite some time.
While they didn't necessarily know somebody who's been in that same boat or have experienced it firsthand themselves, they were able to show up in a way that was very empathetic and compassionate and understanding, and it fostered a little bit more closeness in our relationship outside of just being peers.
The more I talked about it with people that I met and people that I already knew, they actually opened up and [00:21:00] felt more comfortable talking about how they've been affected by someone else's substance use in their life, whether it was their own sibling or friend or family member.
And as your siblings relationship with substances evolve, your relationship with them will probably evolve too. If and when your sibling finds recovery, that's not the end of the road. There is still going to be a lot of work that has to get done. My brother has had short stints of sobriety in between, and does not fix relationships overnight.
If your sibling is in recovery, then check out our episode, "'my loved one is finally sober. Now what?' Rebuilding relationships and recovery."
I don't know what the future holds for me or my brother, but I hope that these tips on navigating a sibling's addiction help give you a little bit more clarity, and not necessarily to stick to one approach or another, but go [00:22:00] explore what options work for you.
Dominique: Thanks for listening to this episode of For Love Recovery. If you enjoyed this episode or know somebody who might, please leave a comment and share it. You can also join our Facebook group, Siblings For Love of Recovery, if you're looking to have deeper conversations around your sibling's use of drugs or alcohol. And remember, where there is hope, there is healing.