Navigating the holidays and family addiction (with Minaa B.)
About the Episode
Family addiction can bring holiday stress, uncertainty, heartbreak, and tension to what’s supposed to be a joyful season. If gatherings feel overwhelming as you're navigating a loved one’s substance use (especially a sibling's), you're not alone.
This episode dives into how to set boundaries, prioritize self-care, and protect your peace amidst the chaos. Because even in difficult times, you deserve a peaceful holiday season celebrated in a way that works best for you.
Guest: Minaa B., MSW, LMSW, mental health educator, and author of Owning Our Struggles
Minaa is a licensed social worker and former psychotherapist specializing in anxiety, depression, and trauma. She has worked across the mental health care space, from early childhood and education programs to her private practice and community mental health initiatives.
Minaa is also a wellness coach and the founder of Minaa B. Consulting, a mental health consulting practice that helps organizations develop psychological safety. She is also the host of the podcast Mindful With Minaa.
This episode will help you:
Navigate complex sibling and family relationships during family gatherings
Discover strategies to build boundaries and create your own peace during holidays
Feel empowered to start your own holiday traditions that work for you
Watch Now
Episode Links
🎙 MINAA B.
About: https://www.minaab.com/about
📘 BOOK, “OWNING OUR STRUGGLES” BY MINAA B.:
Check it out: https://www.minaab.com/books
Resources
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Minaa B.: Is it bad that I don't want to participate in something that consistently harms me? You can look at all of these past traditions and realize every time we do this thing, I leave feeling uncomfortable.
What do I need to do differently? If I keep doing the same thing, I'm going to end up with the same results, right?
Dominique: Welcome to FLOR For Love and Recovery, where I'm your host, Dominique Dajer. Sibling relationships can be so unique, but they can become more complex when there's drug or alcohol use involved. If you find yourself questioning how to help, you're not alone.
Every month we bring together stories that empower you to better navigate your sibling's addiction, offer a sense of connection, and provide fresh perspectives on understanding substance use and how to protect your peace. Join [00:01:00] me on this journey in restoring hope and healing.
The holidays are right around the corner and while they're often a time of joy and celebration, they can feel overwhelming and even heartbreaking, especially if someone you love is struggling with addiction.
It's hard when you're unsure of what to expect or how things might unfold. And if you're already bracing yourself for family tension, worrying about who might show up, or grieving a relationship that's been impacted by addiction, just know that you're not alone in this. So many people feel the same way during the season.
And today we have Mina B with us to share her experiences and her tips on navigating tough holiday emotions. She's going to walk us through how to manage expectations, set healthy boundaries, and most importantly, find peace in creating the holiday experience that works best for you.
Mina is a licensed social worker, mental health educator, and the author of Owning Our Struggles, [00:02:00] a powerful resource for anyone looking for an opportunity to heal and grow through life's challenges.
Minaa, thank you so much for being on the show today.
Minaa B: Dominique, thank you for having me.
Dominique: Before we dive into how to prepare for the holidays, I'd love to hear a little bit more from you about your personal journey. You're the youngest of 13 siblings in a blended family. How did you navigate all those different dynamics as a kid or even as a young adult?
Minaa B: Because my siblings are about 20 to 30 years older than me, I grew up feeling like an only child, and I know that I had a lot of friendships. at that age that felt like family. I think from early on, I knew the importance of having a chosen family.
And because I, again, I was significantly younger than my siblings, I kind of needed to build healthy relationships with my peers so that I could just have people in my life that I could talk to and could relate to [00:03:00] me and understood different things about me that maybe my older siblings could not understand or relate to.
Dominique: That makes total sense. I've got a bit of a different experience. I'm about 10 years older than my brother, and I found myself acting more of like a parent to him for a long time. Did you ever feel like you had to take on a similar role with your siblings at all?
Minaa B: I would say yes and no, and it depended on the stage of life that I was in. But I do think that there are some siblings in my family that I had to be more. of a parent to based off maturity. Just recognizing that I have more emotional maturity than them, which led to me making responsible decisions and having a quality of a life that they were lacking.
And I do feel like I had to step up and do some caretaking that generally it would be the [00:04:00] other way around since I am the baby in the family, but I have had experiences with some people that it's very clear that regardless of age, that doesn't dictate maturity and that is often how people end up in parental roles sometimes, regardless of the significance of birth order, you know, maturity does have to do with a lot of things.
And so I will say that. Certain responsibilities did fall on me that I didn't ask for and necessarily wanted. But as a result of just where I was in my life or how people perceived where I was in my own life, it led to me having to take on some caretaking roles.
Dominique: That's definitely a tough situation to be in, especially when you're the youngest and you might feel like, why am I the person that's, taking on this extra layer of responsibility or feeling like the more mature person in the situation?
For others who might be in a similar situation, how did you go about building either boundaries with your [00:05:00] siblings, or other people that might have taken on more of a parental figure that wasn't a parent?
Transcribed
Minaa B.: Healthy communication is always key in any family dynamic. Sometimes people don't know the roles that they're playing. And I think that if you're recognizing that you're in a role that you don't want to sustain anymore, then you are going to have to speak up and talk about it. and invite your siblings into that process and communicate to them how being in a particular role feels.
Also explain to them the roles you see them taking on. Maybe you feel like they're not doing enough and that's something that you need them to be mindful of and help you and step in. Or maybe you want them to take a step back because maybe they're being too much of a parent or engaging in too much caretaking and you kind of want more.
Autonomy and freedom. And you feel like your sibling is acting like a parent to you because that can [00:06:00] stifle the relationship. But I do know commonly people tend to not be aware of how they're showing up in their relationships, especially in a family where. If you've been in a role of caretaking from a young age, it can be really hard to recognize as you get older that you're acting like a parent to your sibling, and it can be hard to step out of that, and now your sibling isn't 5 anymore or 10, they're 20, and they don't want your guidance or your feedback or your advice And you kind of feel inclined to give it to them, but it does require healthy communication all around and understanding from all parties involved and just constantly being mindful about how sometimes our boundaries will ebb and flow with our relationships.
And so I think the number one thing that we really need to be doing is communicating what we want.
Dominique: Yeah. That's super powerful and important. I think sometimes taking a step back from the relationship or kind [00:07:00] of looking at it from a new perspective can give you some more insight as to what kind of role am I playing or how do I want to show up for this person as a sibling? I know I've had to do that with my brother.
like I mentioned, I played the second mom role for so long and him and I were recently have a conversation a couple of weeks ago this is the first time he's actually admitted this. He's for long. I always felt like, I could trust you, but you were kind of like the second mom and I had to kind of tiptoe around what I would share with you because I didn't want any kind of that retaliation.
Right. And I think now that we're both older, especially as he's struggling with his addiction. I can think about, how do I want to show up as just his sister? What does it mean to be a sibling? And I think that can be harder to navigate as you get older.
There's lots of new changes that are forcing you to make. It's definitely not easy to make any of those changes. And it often comes with, tons of emotional work, as you know, and sometimes there's even a sense of loss when you've been in that role for so long, when you feel like maybe you no longer recognize your sibling [00:08:00] because of the addiction, or, there's just some kind of grief of wanting a relationship that you can't have.
How can somebody start to process that grief, whether it's for the relationship, the way their sibling has changed, or their absence during the holidays?
Minaa B: The number one thing is to recognize the loss. Sometimes we want to pretend things are fine. And think pretending is going to make us happy, but that's not true. When we learn to acknowledge the loss, we can recognize that grief is normal. there are emotional wounds that you need to tend to.
We might also experience something called ambiguous loss, when somebody is physically present, but psychologically absent. because We're used to associating grief with the death of someone, instead of acknowledging that The loss is that Because of my sibling's addiction or because of other issues, my sibling might be having, there is loss in our ability to have closeness. That is the [00:09:00] loss. It's the loss of a bond.
Maybe I'm never going to have brunch with my sibling.
Maybe my sibling is never the person that I'll pick up the phone to call and vent and cry with and share Extreme experiences with, because we just don't have that relationship. And that is what ambiguous loss can be that that person is still here. You can literally say my sibling lives down the block and someone might say, well, when was the last time you saw them?
And you're like 10 years ago, right? That estrangement or all the different things that can happen. And so owning the loss and mourning the person. can be very difficult. And I think some of the ways that we can do that is I'm a big advocate for people joining group therapy and support groups just as much as going to individual therapy.
I think Individual therapy is a great space to talk and get some resources on how to self-regulate and cope with your feelings. But, there is a relational wound. And because there's a relational wound, we [00:10:00] also need relationships to heal that wound. And so One of the best ways is to be surrounded by community. in various forms. So you're in a space with people who understand what you're going through, who can recognize the support that you need, who have been there with you, and they can talk about their loss in ways that might feel healing to you, and also support you in ways that maybe your other friends can't support you.
Dominique: If your sibling is struggling with drugs or alcohol, know that you're not alone, even though it might feel that way. As someone who's been there, I know how tough it can be, but you don't have to navigate this journey on your own. Our sibling-focused community offers a safe, judgment free space to share your story, connect with others who get it, and find support.
Ready to start healing and hear from others who've been through it too? Join us in the Siblings for Love of Recovery group on Facebook. We're here for you and can't wait to meet you.
Dominique: I love [00:11:00] the analogy that you gave around like this power of connection. Like And I think that's like definitely an area where siblings tend to fall short with, right? There's so many resources for parents, spouses, children, but siblings are really in a very unique space. And if you have siblings, then you know that every relationship is super unique. You might be closer to some. More distant to others or maybe somewhere in between and, that I think requires a very specific level of support. So I really appreciate you sharing that.
Minaa B: The other side to this is honestly radical acceptance of recognizing that yes, we share blood, but we're different. My experience is completely different from your experience. And what does it look like to honor that? What does it look like to sit with that instead of judging it, instead of critiquing it, instead of minimizing it, instead of diminishing it? What does it look like for us to just own and acknowledge you're your own person? I'm my own person. We come from the same [00:12:00] mother or the same father. We have this shared blood, but our relational experience is extremely different.
And that is something that we may just have to accept. And when we accept it, that can also shape the nature of the relationship.
Dominique: Yeah. And That's a tough situation to have to accept that, you know, that this relationship has changed when it's something you've probably craved for so long.
There's still like this added layer of family dynamics that you just spoke to. Sometimes family want to maintain traditions when it comes to the holidays, even when they might not be appropriate or they might not work for many people anymore. How do you work around those pressures to keep those family traditions intact?
Minaa B: Well, I think it means you have to ask yourself, do you want to be a part of that tradition? Because it may mean not keeping it intact, right? I think that there are times where traditions take place that some individuals [00:13:00] within the family system might decide this tradition doesn't work for me anymore, but it works for everyone else.
And so I'm going to have to separate myself from this particular tradition and have that really hard conversation. But I think it's really all about asking yourself, what feels safe for you? And you might realize there are certain traditions that just don't feel good to you anymore. And that might lead to a rupture within the family system, but the spirit family system has to do the work of figuring out how to repair that rupture, how to manage that loss and how to navigate and move forward when one member of the system decides that there's a particular tradition that they no longer want to uphold.
I think the easiest thing that most families do is to guilt trip people into thinking that they need to do something. And if they don't do it, [00:14:00] then they're causing harm to the family. system. So if you don't come over and participate in the annual Thanksgiving party, we always have, you're ruining it for us, but that's actually not true because the party doesn't fall on one person's shoulders.
So if that one person decides not to be there, is it true that the party can't happen? Of course, it's not true. You're making a choice to not have it, but it's not true that you can't continue this tradition or function a certain way. If I am not there. And think this is a big part of families in general, where you can have these really strong emotions, people with strong ideas, strong demands, strong requests.
And you really have to be the person to decide if there are certain things that you want to deal with. And when you do realize there's pushback against your boundaries. And there are people who are trying to guilt trip you. This is again, where you have to start [00:15:00] doing those coping techniques to recognize, for example, guilt means I did something bad.
Is it bad that I don't want to participate in something that consistently harms me? You can look at all of these past traditions and realize every time we do this thing, I leave feeling uncomfortable. I leave feeling stuck in my body, frozen in my nervous system. I never leave feeling whole and feeling content or nurtured or cared for.
What do I need to do differently? If I keep doing the same thing, I'm going to end up with the same results, right? And so. We have to just be very mindful and say, if guilt means I did something bad. Am I actually doing something bad in this moment, even if my other family members are trying to make me feel bad about it?
And when we really do that work of just being very introspective, it can bring us some healing. But also remember people [00:16:00] are going to have an emotional reaction to your choices. I think as people, we get very caught up on that part. Instead of thinking about our own emotional reactions to things, there are going to be times where I feel a particular way.
And if I make a firm boundary, it's going to disappoint somebody and it's going to hurt someone. And the reality is this is a situation where there may not be any compromise. Someone's feelings is going to be hurt. And there are gonna be times where we have to selfishly say, it's not going to be my feelings because I'm the one getting harmed here.
So the only thing that you have to work through is your disappointment. But if I move forward and say yes to this thing, I have to feel unsafe. And there's a difference between feeling unsafe and feeling disappointed. You can overcome being disappointed, but I shouldn't be in a position where I have to learn how to overcome feeling unsafe.
And that is how we can distinguish whether we should move forward with a choice or not.
Dominique: I think that's so powerful. It's about learning how to put yourself first. It's so [00:17:00] easy to consistently put other people's needs and feelings and what they want first, especially around the holidays.
Learning how to prioritize your own mental health, your own emotions, and what you need Can be so challenging when you're not used to doing that.
Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. When I was a kid, that image of opening gifts on Christmas morning and being with my parents and my brother has always, Exuded a sense of magic. And over the last couple of years, that magic has, really dwindled and it's led to a lot of unpredictability.
And Every year that went by, I felt myself being more disappointed by what was going on, until I had to decide. Okay, I am going to engage in this holiday, but now I'm only going to allow myself to be there for two hours. Creating some kind of time constraint and knowing that if I felt uncomfortable, there was something that I could do about it, rather than just feeling obligated or feeling guilted into [00:18:00] Remaining there, at the gathering and that's something that I'm still navigating.
What are some practical ways to prepare and set some of those boundaries with family members that are struggling with substance use without making yourself feel guilty?
Minaa B: So it's important to remember that boundaries are rules and guidelines that you impose on yourself. So I do want to make that clear distinction because too often we believe a boundary is the rules that we impose on other people. So when you say the word boundary here, when it comes to managing the holidays and dealing with a sibling substance use, your boundary has to be, what are the choices that I am going to make?
Now I might have requests. Which is a rule that I will impose on someone else. A request can be, if I'm coming to your home for the holiday, I would prefer there be no alcohol, but if it's their home, they can decide what they want to do. So [00:19:00] you can say, if you are hosting, whatever it is, whether it be Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas dinner.
If you are the host, you can have some rules and guidelines for how you're going to do things within your home. And you can have boundaries regarding how you're going to react to certain things. So because it's in your home, you can decide, I won't be having any alcohol in my house because I know I want this sibling here and it may not also be easy for my sibling to be around alcohol because I know every other family gathering.
they end up drinking and it ends up not being a good time. And so what do I want more for people to have a nice sip of alcohol, or do I want more time in a setting that feels safe, loving, and nurturing, right? Because maybe I can't have both. And so you have to use discernment to say which one is more important?
Is having drinks available more important, or is having a nurturing environment more important? And so that can be what one of your boundaries looks like in your own home. [00:20:00] Now, you might decide that you're not hosting and you're attending somebody else's home. Again, if you're attending somebody else's home, you cannot dictate what they do in their house.
So you have to decide for yourself what are some things that make me feel comfortable and make me feel uncomfortable? I might start to say, you know, if I see my sibling getting very drunk, that is a sign that I'm going to leave because this makes me feel very uncomfortable because every time my sibling gets drunk, they become very unpleasant.
It becomes an argument. They become combative and it always turns into a stressful time. I might also say as what you shared earlier, I'm going to go to this event, but I'm only going to stay there for maybe one hour or two hours max. If I'm going there with my partner, we're going to have a code word that we use so that I either say it to them or I text it to them so that they are aware I'm ready to leave right now.
Or I'm ready to leave in five minutes. So if I'm going with [00:21:00] someone, we've already communicated in advance how we're going to structure things when we get there. I think those are some things that we can start initially doing so that we can recognize What we have control over, which is literally only ourselves.
And so when it comes to engaging with people during the holidays, it's important for you to ask yourself one, what happened within the last two holidays that made me feel uncomfortable? Because I also tell people. Create boundaries based off your former experiences. So if you know, every Christmas dinner, the sibling gets drunk and you're there angry, why are you still at the house?
What's stopping you from leaving? What's stopping you from separating yourself? What do you need to do differently so that you can be comfortable? Because this person, if you know, they're not doing any work to change, you should be going Into the holidays, prepared to be around [00:22:00] certain people with certain personality types and certain addictions, it should not be a shock to you that when you go there for Christmas dinner, oh my gosh, this person drinks alcohol.
They've been drinking alcohol for years. Right. And I think that's another thing that we do where we want people to change so badly. It creates delusions in our head where we disturb reality and distort reality. And we start to go into certain spaces with people who have always been who they are. And we keep getting upset at them for being who they always have been.
So if you know your sibling is not doing any work around their drinking, maybe to them, they don't have a problem. Maybe they have no desire to stop. Maybe they have no desire to practice harm reduction. Maybe they have no desire to go to rehab. That means when you go to Thanksgiving dinner, expect to see them drinking.
It should not be a shock to see them have a bottle of wine. It should not be a shock to see them taking shots of alcohol, right? So that's another [00:23:00] part to what I said earlier around radical acceptance. Your sibling is being who they want to be. And so you have to ask yourself, what makes you feel comfortable?
And if you go into this setting, you also have to ask yourself, if your sibling is drinking, when do you feel like the line needs to be drawn for your own comfort? Because it's also possible that your sibling just likes to drink and they mind their business. So if they're on the couch and they're drinking, does it bother you?
is it something that you can still be in their space with? Are you still trying to control them in their decisions when they've already let you know that this is something that they want to do? It may be causing them harm, but they're making the choices they want to make.
We also know addiction is very complex, but they're still not ready to make change. They're still not ready to do the work of trying to manage their addiction. We have to ask ourselves, how much of it are we taking personally?
Because it has nothing to do with you. And sometimes we'll be around somebody who's making choices that we don't like, and we [00:24:00] see it as an attack. And it literally has nothing to do with you.
So those are some things that I think are very practical when it comes to being around family gatherings, because this tends to be a large group of people coming together. You cannot control no one in the room except for you. So you also have to be able to say, why am I allowing their actions to spill onto me when it has nothing to do with me?
Is it possible that I can still have a good time while I'm here? while they make whatever choice they want to make, right? Or if they are becoming belligerent to the point where you feel uncomfortable, then you get to set a boundary.
Dominique: Absolutely. And I think like the two really big things that I've been hearing as you're speaking is like, one, manage your expectations on what's realistic, where this person is in their journey, whether it's in recovery, whether they're actively using, and then two, focusing on what you can control in that situation.
Like you said, there's nothing that you can do about having this other person change for better or for [00:25:00] worse, whether they're drinking or not drinking, right? But controlling what your boundaries are, what your exit strategy is going to be if there needs to be one, and then how you plan on communicating or engaging with that person or other people.
I think that's really important. And I think. Knowing what those things are before getting to this family gathering can I think, create your own sense of safety when there might be an unsafe or uncomfortable situation.
Another thing that I see a lot, in my own personal experience, but I've heard with others is when there's a period of estrangement.
During the holidays, there's a lot of family members that tend to come together after, having had some time apart, whether it's distance because of, living across states or cities, or maybe, Maybe it has been months or years and you are seeing them, at this gathering.
I think it was Last Christmas I hadn't seen my brother for I don't know, a couple of months or so. And I had no idea that he was coming to our Christmas gathering until I got a phone call from my mom telling me he's going to be there. And [00:26:00] while I was excited, there was this part of me that was like, Oh crap, like how am I going to respond?
What is his state of mind is going to be in? I'm already thinking about how to control the situation. But what I had to do is think about 1 what was my exit strategy going to be? But 2 What did I want to occur? What did I want to talk to him about? If anything, how did I want to engage with him?
And I think that helped control some of my feelings of being overwhelmed or anxious about seeing him, even though part of me was really happy and excited to see him after it's been some time.
What's some advice or what are some suggestions that you would give to people who might be unexpectedly engaging with a family member or their sibling after it's been some time apart.
Minaa B:: You have to ask yourself, what are you hoping to get out of it? Do you want to engage with them? That's the first question. Because if you don't, then that means you need to figure out what your boundaries are going to be when you enter [00:27:00] the event. Are you just going to cordially say hello? And are you prepared if they want to talk to you?
If you know that you don't have the skills to assert yourself and say, I'm not really interested in talking right now.
I think it's important to ask yourself, is it worthwhile going? Because then that means you're going to end up in an uncomfortable predicament. So I think those are reflective questions a lot of people have to ask themselves because you have to know yourself enough to know, am I assertive enough to tell this person, "I don't want to talk to you."
Or let's just keep it at, "hello. I really am not interested in having this conversation." And if you're not assertive enough to do that, and they decide they're going to talk to you, how would you feel about it? Is it going to make you deeply uncomfortable? Then if it is, you have to ask yourself, is it wise for me to attend if I know I am not at a place yet where I have the skillset?
to assert myself and say things that I know can be uncomfortable to hear, but I [00:28:00] need to still say it. And if I cannot do it, that means I'm going to possibly end up in an uncomfortable predicament. Am I ready to be in an uncomfortable predicament? We do have to be real with ourselves and the skills that we carry.
thing that we have to ask ourselves is we might say we do still want to go. We're not going to let that get in the way. And so going back to some of the things I said earlier, you do have to figure out your exit strategy. How long do you want to be there? How long do you want to be around? The family, you can cap it at an hour, cap it at two hours.
Even if dinner didn't start yet, if you feel it's time for you to leave, then leave, you might also go there with a set time and be enjoying yourself. So you don't have to be rigid in that moment. You can decide, Oh, I do feel comfortable. Maybe I'll stay an extra 30 minutes. Maybe I'll stay an extra hour and just see how time goes and how things are going with time.
And then I can decide if I'm ready to go or not.
I also think when it comes to the re engagement [00:29:00] process, figure out what you feel comfortable talking about, because you also might say, I haven't seen this person in months. There are certain things that are on the table and there are certain things that are off the table.
Maybe I don't want to get into my personal business, but with this person, but I don't mind having a surface level conversation. You might also realize though, you don't want to have a surface level conversation. So again, you have to ask yourself, how am I going to navigate the conversations that might pop up with this person?
And you have to be in tune with yourself enough to know "What do I want to share? What do I not want to share? What makes me comfortable? What makes me uncomfortable in those moments?" I think also finding little things that you can do in the moment to self regulate, you might decide that you are going to step out and call someone.
You might decide that you're going to bring someone with you. Maybe it's your partner or a close friend. That's not going to someone else's house. So that you can just have a confidant there that you can lean [00:30:00] on and get support from in the moment. But I also think it's just one of those things that we don't really know what's going to happen until we're there.
And so you just have to prepare your heart and your mind for that experience. Prepare your body as well. For that experience and do some self regulation techniques such as maybe focusing on deep breathing while you're in that room. I even have a little trick where I'll tell people to just keep one ear pod in their ear and have a meditation playing, background While you maneuver through the house and just maneuver with people so that you can somewhat tune that noise out and find a way to just regulate yourself. Also find ways to regulate your body temperature because often when we're feeling anxious, our body temperature rises and we become overheated, which is why we end up sweating and have heart palpitations.
So just try to maybe drink a cold glass of water. Also, you be mindful and remember that alcohol can act as a depressant. Even if you don't have a substance [00:31:00] use problem, you kind of want to be mindful of what your body needs to feel nourished everywhere we go. So do you want to have a cocktail knowing that you already feel anxious?
Is that cocktail actually going to make you feel better? Maybe it's best to swap that out with some club soda and lime or swap that out with an ice cold water. Right? So also you be mindful of what you're putting in your body in those moments that can also exasperate the feelings of anxiety that you're already having.
Dominique: Yeah. I love that. Like the idea of like self regulation before you get into the situation or maybe you need a moment to take a step back while you're in the situation.
When I was reengaging with my brother after some time, I noticed I do want to have part of it is a surface level conversation.
Part of it is having a deeper conversation. You know, he's my little brother. What I found that worked was asking him to step outside and come have a conversation with me in a neutral place. And I think that created like some sense of [00:32:00] safety for both of us. And I think for me being able to acknowledge how I was feeling also gave him a moment to acknowledge how he was feeling.
And I think it created some common ground for both of us, like understanding that this was an uncomfortable situation for him to be in as well. And you know, he hadn't seen our family in X amount of months, and it was new territory for both of us. So I think being able to establish that common ground, I think took some of that tension off both of our plates.
And I think we were able to at least try to enjoy the rest of the night. I feel like one of my skills or maybe it's not a skill and it's just me being overly observant is being hyper aware of how he's feeling. Noticing that, he might be feeling anxious right now, or he might be feeling uncomfortable in this environment.
What are some suggestions that you could give siblings who are looking to support each other during this holiday season? Noticing that they might be getting triggered, but don't want to really escalate the [00:33:00] situation either.
Minaa B: I think the first thing we can do is communicate in advance. That's always helpful to know what your sibling needs and to identify what makes your sibling feel uncomfortable. Having that text line with your sibling to say, Hey, "was there anything from the last gathering that made you uncomfortable? What can I be doing to support you? And these are some things that I would need you to do to support me. If you need a moment to step out, let me know if you want me to follow you. What can we be doing to help each other?"
I think communicating that in advance is just essential and it can be very caring for both parties involved.
Sometimes you may not know what is triggersome to your sibling, unless you ask them and help them identify, Oh, you know what? That's a good question.
This is actually something that makes me feel anxious. It makes me feel uncomfortable. And what is something that we can be doing to doing together to co-regulate Maybe we both need to [00:34:00] step out. Maybe we'll be texting each other. maybe there are certain things that we don't have the space to bring up. So we'll just send each other little notes.
When you see something happening for your sibling, go up to them directly and ask how you can support them. But ask them in a way that lets them know that you're witnessing something happening in their body and just say, Hey, do you need to take us walk outside right now?
You don't necessarily have to say, I think you're having a panic attack right now. You could literally say, do we need to go outside right now to get some fresh air? I think it might be beneficial Do we need to go in the back and chat for a bit?
Just let the sibling know you've been observant and you have a recommendation to help them regulate themselves. So those are the two things that I think can be important.
Dominique: Taking that step away I think sometimes creates so much clarity for you and I think helps bring that blood pressure back down,
I've noticed you might be talking to family members, you know, not your sibling, not your parents, but family members you haven't seen in a while, or extended family, friends. [00:35:00] And people are concerned about your sibling, or they're concerned about the person who might be in their recovery process.
And they're coming to you for information. They're asking you, how is so and so doing? Or what's wrong with so and so? And they're asking these questions about where they are in their addiction or where they are in their recovery that you might have the answers to, but you might not necessarily want to speak about them. Or maybe just don't want to talk about it during the holidays. What are some ways that people can manage some of those uncomfortable questions that they might not want to answer about themselves or about.
Minaa B:: Mhm. So there's two approaches we can take here. The first approach could be that you say, you know, I don't really have any information for you or I don't really feel comfortable talking about this. That's the more very direct approach that you can let that person know that this is just a conversation that's off the table.
Now I'm thinking about family dynamics where sometimes some people don't feel comfortable doing that. And I think one of the tricks that we all can use [00:36:00] is the power of changing the conversation, you know, learning to pivot and bring a new language into the conversation. So that person can start to recognize this isn't something I really want to talk about right now.
You can also keep it very surface level and you can say things are good with this person, thanks for checking in. And that's all. That they need to know, and you can continue to reiterate that again. I think that one of the things that we have to remember here, sometimes people don't realize when they're asking you something that makes you feel uncomfortable.
They're not aware of what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable sometimes. And so they may be asking something that they are not necessarily trying to put you in an uncomfortable predicament. They just don't realize. This is a conversation you don't want to talk about. For them, they're being kind.
They're just saying, how's your brother doing? How's your sister doing? She looks really great. is she still going to rehab? has she had any um, slip ups? Has she been drinking? And for them, they are actually concerned without realizing that. They're asking [00:37:00] the wrong person. If you really want to know this, you could go to the person directly and ask them.
And so I think one of the things that we can do is one, again, decide if it's a conversation we want to entertain. And if it's not, we can simply state that and say, you know what, that's something I'd rather not talk about. Or it's something that I don't feel inclined to share about. Cause it's not my personal information.
You can also just keep it very light and say, you know what, my brother's doing really good. Thank you so much for asking. So, and then shift the conversation. I think this is where those techniques of just learning how to be a great communicator and just socialize and just recognize in that moment that you don't have to over explain, you don't have to overshare.
You can say something as small as things are good. Thanks for asking. And that's it. And bring up something else. And if they bring it up again, like I said, things are really good. Thank you again for asking. Because that gives that person a social cue to some extent that this is not something that you want to continue talking about, you know?
And I think that, [00:38:00] Is something that gives people the language that they need to recognize, okay, this isn't something that you want to share, but if you realize the person is going to continue bringing it up, that is when you might have to be a bit more assertive with your language to say, actually, this isn't something I really want to talk about right here, right now, or it's something that I just don't really want to talk about at all.
It's something I don't feel inclined to talk about because it's not my story. Just giving them that more direct approach can also be helpful.
Dominique: I think that's something that absolutely resonates with me. Being that older sibling, I think a lot of people have come to me as like that third parent again, thinking that I might have the answers or that I might have some control over the situation and supporting my brother. And I might be able to support, but I can't really do things for him or really influence as much as to what his recovery process looks like.
for me, One of the things that I found that worked and I'm still practicing is when I have family coming up to me, giving me suggestions, about my brother especially when they know nothing about [00:39:00] substance use or about the recovery process and they're giving me their opinions or asking me questions is really redirecting them to my parents.
And I feel like That also works with a sibling who might be younger, who is an adolescent, a child or a teenager. Maybe a little bit harder when they're older. But I think if that person, if that sibling has a spouse or a partner I think deferring that that question or that information to the other family member I think can be helpful Just saying like, Hey, I'm not really super involved. I don't really know the answers, but my mom might be the better person to ask or so and so's partner might be the better person to ask.
Doing that sometimes takes some of the pressure off of you, but it also lets that family member know who's asking the question that you. You're not really the person to come to with that kind of question or information.
Minaa B: I think that's really helpful as well.
Dominique: One other thing that I think is really important around the holidays and a lot of people are probably navigating as well is the season of giving and [00:40:00] showing your love and support through items or monetary gifts. How can you show your sibling or your family member that's struggling with addiction your love and support without the pressure of buying expensive gifts or worrying that they'll trade or sell the item or any kind of pressure like that?
Minaa B: Well, if you have concerns that your sibling will either trade an item or sell an item, then that means that I would suggest not to buy that gift. If that is your first inclination that you feel like that could happen, and you know that that would hurt you, then that's a signal to yourself that that is not the gift to give because you have too much anxiety wrapped around that gift. Remember that whatever we buy, someone is our choice. So we do have to be mindful regarding why we're buying something. And if it's something that we feel like is, you know, significant, like, why are we choosing to buy this thing? And if it doesn't make you feel comfortable to buy it, it is your [00:41:00] money that you're utilizing to buy that gift.
And so you don't have to buy things that You don't feel inclined to buy. You also don't have to buy things that you feel that might get taken advantage of, or people might not appreciate it. You don't have to do that. Even in my own family, I've had siblings who will request a particular thing. I would buy it.
And then I found out that they actually gave it away because it was someone else who needed it. And not that I have a problem with the charitable act, but I also feel that if it wasn't something that you particularly wanted, I wish you would have told me that. And so now I'm very mindful of the things that I buy.
And if I can't afford it, I'm not going to buy it, whether you request it or not. And so I think when it comes to the pressure of giving, we just have to ask ourselves, what can I give? And maybe the most I can give this season is a card. Right. With a handwritten note, maybe the most I can give this season is a gift card and [00:42:00] that's what I'm going to give.
Maybe the most I can afford right now is to spend 10 or 20 on each individual that I have to get a gift for. And what is a nice little gift that I think that they use in their everyday life that could be useful. That can be equivalent to the money that I can spend. So I think we just have to remember that this pressure, a lot of it is what we put on ourselves.
It is supposed to be a season of generosity and a season of gratitude. Not related to, Oh, you bought me the nicest thing. So I only appreciate those who bought me the nicest things. That's actually not a spirit of gratitude. So you really just have to ask yourself. What do you have? What capacity do you have?
How much money can you actually spend instead of causing yourself anxiety and honestly, potentially putting yourself in the spirit of being broke, right? You have to ask yourself, what can I financially give? to people and what would [00:43:00] make me feel good giving it to this person. Every gift doesn't have to be something that you went to the store to buy.
It could be something that you also made. And so you could also ask yourself, what is something that is loving and caring and nurturing from my heart that I really, really want to give this person. Cause that's what the season is supposed to be about. So I think we just have to do a lot of mindset work. reframing how we think around the holidays and what it means to give people gifts. I just always say, give something that is meaningful to someone.
I broke my favorite travel mug. And I need a new travel mug this season. And it only costs 15 at Target, right? And so those are some things that I just feel like, what do you think could be meaningful to the person that could fit into their everyday life? And I think those are often the best gifts people like to receive.
Dominique: I couldn't agree more. And you know, it reminds me of actually, I think it was, again, last Christmas season.
I was battling this question is like, what do I get my brother when I'm not really sure what he's [00:44:00] going to appreciate what he's really going to benefit from.
So I had most members of my family write a handwritten note and asking them, can you write down one thing that that you really love about my brother or what you remember most about him.
After I collected those, I put them in a little scrapbook with some pictures of him and I gifted it for his birthday, which is like a month after the holidays. And he said it was one of the best gifts that he's ever gotten. And I think that really shows the power of, really well-thought-out gifts or one that comes from the heart Rather than one that is $100 or can be bought at a department store.
And it gives you some comfort to know that you didn't put tons of dollars into it. Then I think doing whatever makes you feel good and what you feel is in your comfort zone is gonna be super important when it comes to navigating the season of gift giving and the holidays in general.
And lastly, I just want to close out with giving you the floor and asking you, do you have a favorite holiday season or a favorite [00:45:00] memory with a sibling that might inspire some hope for people that might be listening?
Minaa B: I think my favorite holiday with my siblings would be honestly both Christmas and Thanksgiving. I can't really choose between the two because we grew up celebrating almost every single holiday because my father was very big on barbecues and just, family gatherings.
And so literally every single holiday, we celebrated it together, but there's always something beautiful about the Thanksgiving holiday because I just think it is a spirit of gratitude and a spirit of thankfulness that you have with your family. And I do feel like we've done a lot of work together that we've overcome so much that I actually look forward to and I think it's a beautiful thing.
Dominique: Thank you so much for sharing that. I want to extend a heartfelt thank you for shedding light on the often overlooked experiences that siblings are facing during the holidays when there's substance use involved.
It's so important to really bring awareness to the challenges [00:46:00] of setting boundaries that protect our financial, emotional, physical, and mental well being when there is a season that's already so emotionally charged. So thank you.
Minaa B.: Thank you.
Dominique: Thanks for listening to this episode of For Love Recovery. If you enjoyed this episode or know somebody who might, please leave a comment and share it. You can also join our Facebook group, Siblings For Love of Recovery, if you're looking to have deeper conversations around your sibling's use of drugs or alcohol. And remember, where there is hope, there is healing.