The parentified child: Why they’re often the eldest daughter (with Whitney Goodman)
About the episode
If you were the sibling who held it all together—the one who protected your sibling, comforted your parent, took on adult responsibilities beyond your years, and made things feel “normal” when they absolutely weren’t—this conversation is for you.
In the first episode of our Parentification 101 mini-series, I sit down with therapist and author Whitney Goodman to explore what it really means to be a parentified child, and why this role so often falls on the eldest daughter.
Together, we unpack the invisible labor kids take on in families affected by addiction and dysfunction, the emotional and logistical weight of “being the responsible one” and how those early roles shape adult relationships, boundaries, anxiety, and self-worth.
I also share my own story—what it felt like to be a second mom to my younger brother, and later, to my own parents. The pressure to fix. The need to protect. The deep loneliness of being the strong one.
Guest: Whitney Goodman, therapist, author, and podcast host
Whitney is a licensed psychotherapist, author of Toxic Positivity, and the voice behind the community and podcast, Calling Home which helps adult family members navigate boundaries, healing, and complex relationships.
This episode will help you:
Understand what parentification actually is (and how to know if you experienced it)
See the difference between emotional vs. logistical parentification
Connect to why eldest daughters often carry this unspoken burden
Identify how parentification shows up in adulthood: perfectionism, people-pleasing, hyper-independence
Take steps toward releasing guilt, setting boundaries, and honoring the child in you who never got to just be a kid
Watch now
Episode links
LISTEN TO OUR FAMILY DYNAMICS 101 EPISODE: https://open.spotify.com/episode/5dVDA080Dx8SjrDR0Wx5GK
DOWNLOAD WHITNEY’S PARENTIFICATION WORKBOOK:
https://callinghome.co/topics/the-parentified-child-workbook
ABOUT WHITNEY GOODMAN
https://sitwithwhit.com/about
WHITNEY’S CALLING HOME PODCAST
https://callinghome.co/blog/listen-to-the-calling-home-podcast
Resources
💬 JOIN OUR SIBLING-FOCUSED COMMUNITY
Join our Facebook group, Siblings For Love of Recovery for:
Connect with other siblings
Share your own story in a safe space
Support for navigating the journey
🤳 CONNECT WITH FOR LOVE OF RECOVERY
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/forloveofrecovery
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61561542956095
-
Whitney Goodman 0:00
Parentified kids really feel they're alone with those problems, and they've been abandoned with them, and no one's going to help them. You probably felt like I'm having to be a parent and I don't want to be one, and maybe your brother didn't want you to take on that role, and you felt like you had to. But if you can just talk about not the reasons why you feel like that was the right thing to do, and why he thought it was wrong, but more about how it felt for both of you, sometimes you can actually get somewhere.
Dominique Dajer 0:41
Welcome to FLOR For Love of Recovery, where I'm your host, Dominique Dajer. Sibling relationships can be so unique, but they can become more complex when there's drug or alcohol use involved. If you find yourself questioning how to help you're not alone. Every month, we bring together stories that empower you to navigate your siblings addiction and offer a sense of connection. We also provide fresh perspectives on understanding substance use and how to protect your peace. Join me on this journey in restoring hope and healing.
Dominique Dajer 1:12
A few months ago, for love of recovery, received a grant from content is Queen supported by Audible. As part of that grant, we're able to record live in studio, and we'll also be launching a three part mini series on a topic that does not get enough attention, parentification and the role of siblings impacted by addiction, as most folks might know, having a sibling, whether you're raised by the same biological parents, having the same environment, same households, you guys might have totally different experiences. You might even be familiar with roles like family dynamics, around being the scapegoat, a mascot, the golden child, or a number of other roles. But those are not the only roles in this series. We're diving into sibling roles, the parentified child, who's often the eldest daughter, the cycle breaker, and the class child to help us kick things off today, we have Whitney Goodman with us. Whitney is a licensed marriage and family therapist who is transforming the way we approach our adult family relationships. Whitney is also the author of the book toxic positivity, a guide that helps us go beyond the good vibes only culture. And she's also the host of the podcast calling home so Whitney. Thank you so much for being on the show today. Thank you for having me. Of course, I like to talk about parentification. And one of my first experiences with the word, and immediately, when I first came across, I was like, What is this word? But why do I feel like I resonate so deeply with it? So for those who might not be familiar with that term, could you explain what exactly parentification is? Yeah,
Whitney Goodman 2:37
so parentification is what happens when children basically swap positions with adults, right? And they're taking on tasks that are developmentally inappropriate for them and come at an expense to their development, their socialization and just what they're supposed to be doing at that point in time as kids. It's very different from like, I think some people think it's like, oh, a kid doing chores. It's not that. It's something that is way too hard for the kid. They can't do it successfully on their own, and they have to give something up, usually, in order to do it.
Dominique Dajer 3:12
Yeah, that makes sense, and it's definitely a tough spot for kids to have to be in, especially when they're developing their own sense of identity and figuring out who they are and what their own role is in the world. Could you explain a little bit about the differences between emotional and logistical parentification And how that shows up in their developmental years?
Whitney Goodman 3:30
Yeah. So the thing I want to point out first is that both of these types emotional and logistical parentification can both happen together, or you can experience one or the other. I find that most of the time people are experiencing emotional with the logistical but we can break them down separately. So emotional parentification is exactly what it sounds like. You're being asked to take care of a parent's feelings, emotions. Sometimes you can even become like a surrogate spouse for your parent. This happens a lot when there's divorce single parents or the partner of that parent is not really like, solid or helpful, and a lot of the time this is when a kid's gonna feel like, Oh, I was my parents therapist, or I felt like I was in a relationship with my parent, like I was their spouse, and you're gonna have this feeling of like my parents not okay emotionally without me, right, right? And you also, when we're talking about parentification, I think can take that on with siblings as well, especially when we're talking about substance use and things like that, where a child might feel like my siblings, well being is dependent on me, their emotional well being, logistical parentification is more about things like making sure meals are cooked, paying the bills, you know, keeping the lights on in the house. And so if you have a parent that is unreliable, they're not working. They maybe are using substances. That's when you're going. To find that kids sometimes step in and start taking on some of those tasks. And again, these are tasks like a five year old having to cook breakfast for their siblings every day and get them to school, not a 15 year old being asked to, like, cook
Dominique Dajer 5:13
their own breakfast. No, that makes total sense. It's something like, as you're speaking, that really resonated with me. And I'm like, reflecting back on my own childhood, and I've spoken openly with my family about this, and it's not like some random secret, like I have honest conversations now with my mom around like I felt like I was her therapist for a long time. And I think folks that are listening know that my brother and I are 10 years apart, and there was always like this second mom role that I played with him, but I found myself doing that with my parents too. So it's interesting that you're touching on that, like I was playing this parent to both of them, because I was always like this mature person, or like the strong one in the context of substance use. Like, what do you think are some of the ways that parentification typically shows up when there's addiction in the family, whether it's with their siblings or one of their
Whitney Goodman 6:03
parents. Yeah, so when there are parents who are struggling with addiction or substance usage, you're gonna find things like kids maybe hiding the car keys so that their parent can't drive drunk, maybe taking on tasks in the home that their parent isn't doing, trying to lie and cover up for the parent. You know, if people are asking questions at school or in the community, you also might have this feeling of like, oh, maybe I can get them to be better. I can get them to stop using whatever it is. And that can be really emotional and logistical, right? I think with siblings, it gets even more complicated you just mentioned, like the age gap between you and your brother, and I think that's a significant factor. There is like you are so much further ahead in life that it's much easier in that case, to say, Well, you could act like a parent, because you seem so much more mature than your brother, whether he's using substances or not just like, developmentally that, I think with siblings, we also start getting into these dynamics of like, well, if my brother is being bad, quote, unquote bad, he's addicted to drugs. He's acting out in a way that's disruptive to my parents. I better be the good one, or I better like, sink back into the background so that no one notices me, and I don't need anything. And you'll find kids taking on those roles as a consequence.
Dominique Dajer 7:29
Absolutely, that's something that is definitely a role that I've played. And like as you're speaking about it, I can think of so many different examples where I've tried to ease the burden for my parents by being the kid that they don't have to worry about, or being the kid that you know has it all, has has it all together. And that's something that I thought was totally normal because every age difference, but I realized I put a little bit more pressure on myself and felt I needed to keep up with this image of being like the strong one or the mature kid that everybody believed that it was. I want to move on to talking about the inner parentified child. You talk about this in your show, and you talk about this throughout social media. You created a chart where you're talking about the parts of the inner parentified child. Some of those might be the inner soldier, the mini adult or neglected child. I'd love to talk a little bit more about what those parts are and how they show up in our developmental years.
Whitney Goodman 8:23
Yeah. So this is something that I took from internal family systems therapy, which is like reconciling all the different parts that exist inside of you. And I think when we're looking at a child that's been parentified, they have this part of them that's like the inner adult that is seems wise beyond their years, right? And is trying to all these parts are protecting you in some way, is how we can look at them. And I like to think of it as like, they're all sitting at a dinner table, and sometimes one gets really like, is like standing up and screaming, right? Or that was the one that's driving the bus, and the the part that's most important here to piece out, I think, is that adapted self that is part of all these parts, like, when we're talking about the inner critic and the child and the hero, that adapted self is the one that's able to integrate all the good things from being parentified, right? And like, Get everyone at the table to kind of chill out and listen just to them, because you obviously have so many parts of you that are a result of what you experienced. But they're not all negative. Some of them are really good, and you want to keep those alive. So when we're working on people who were parentified, I think it's so important to see that part as being like, oh, I can combine all of this and also make some of those other non adaptive parts, like, chill out.
Dominique Dajer 9:50
You know, the voices in your head kind of tune them out for a minute. Yeah. I really love that, because the analogy of like them all sitting at a dinner table, I can kind of. Picture myself being like the mediator, right? And it's like, there's all these voices, but it's also me trying to, maybe this is a sense of my own control, but wanting to, like, control the dynamic at like a dinner table. And again, I think the parentified child in my experience is always the one that wants to keep things calm and steady and make sure that everyone's emotions are okay. So I love that you brought up that analogy for folks that might be listening, they might be wondering, like, was I actually a parentified child? Was this dynamic normal? My family seems pretty functional. What are some telltale signs that, if anyone's wondering if they were a parentified child, that they could be able to identify?
Whitney Goodman 10:35
Yeah, the first thing I think to remember with any of these concepts is like this stuff can be attributed to so many things. So you have to look at what did I experience, what's the impact on my life, and what are some of these signs that I'm still seeing today, and see if it all lines up. But some of the things I'm looking for is like an overinflated sense of responsibility for family that started at a young age, maybe feeling very anxious about control, like you mentioned, and wanting things to be stable and good, they might be perfectionist again, there's that, that level of control, I think also a lot of parentified children in adulthood have trouble relaxing and with any type of like Play or fun like they can seem very buttoned up exactly. Yeah, I think I come across that way. It's like this feeling of, if I relax, everything is going to go bad, right? And so I have to always be on edge. And I think if you, if you grew up in a chaotic environment, you know that feeling of, like, the the bottom could fall out at any time, and that's what creates that uptight feeling. So sometimes, for prentified children, I'm like, you might not need more analysis or even like therapy. Sometimes you need to learn how to like, enjoy life absolutely be and sometimes those two things go hand in hand, but to me, that's one of the biggest signs.
Dominique Dajer 12:01
Yeah. It feels like you're definitely speaking. It's like my own experiences, like growing up when it came to like school or work or any kind of thing that required some form of structure. I was definitely the perfectionist. I always wanted to make sure all my i's were dotted, all my T's were crossed. And I felt that even bleeding over into some of my relationships with my own therapist, I had this conversation with her about things that are in my relationship with. Relationship with my boyfriend, and she said the same thing. She's like, just go out and have fun. She's like, stop overthinking it. Like, I know sometimes it's easier said than done, but she's like, You need to learn how to just, like, go out and have fun without putting the expectation that things need to go a certain way, and especially with where things are, where you have the opportunity to be more light hearted instead of thinking of like every single detail. So I love that you pointed that out, because I feel like it's a trait that comes up a lot in parentified kids or adults. As the eldest daughter, I was often called the strong one like I mentioned. Do you find that there's a specific reason why eldest daughters tend to fall into this role over younger daughters or the boys in the family?
Whitney Goodman 13:05
Yeah, so there's a couple of reasons for this. I think a lot of it is socialization, right? Like we just assume that girls or daughters are going to take on more of the emotional work in families. I find that that's pretty consistent across cultures, at least like Western cultures, right? And so I think in families, this is being mapped out without us even really knowing. Sometimes, unless you're really conscious of it, you are often raised with this expectation of like you will care for your family in these ways, birth order is not set in stone, but if a parent isn't really deliberate about recognizing what's going on there, it's very easy to treat your older child differently than the rest of them, and to kind of always compare them to that younger sibling and be like, Oh, well, you are, you know, older and smarter and wiser, and so we have these higher expectations of you, which can be true to some extent, but it goes too far when we start then putting expectations on that child. I think that, like, there's that eldest daughter syndrome that's kind of been coined, that seems to be a really relatable experience for a lot of oldest daughters. But I want people to know that, like, that's not something that's guaranteed. You know, if you have a daughter and they're the oldest, it doesn't have to be that way, if you're intentional about kind of writing that a little
Dominique Dajer 14:30
bit. Yeah, absolutely. I think, like, the gender roles definitely play a huge part in, like, the family dynamic. Like, I know that was the case for my brother and I, like, I mentioned he's 10 years younger than I am, and apart from like playing this mom like role, I felt like we had our own, you know, inherently different traits. And I think sometimes parents, unintentionally can pin siblings against them because of the traits that they have or the capabilities that one might have over the. Other. My brother and I are very different. We react to situations in very different ways, despite having the same experiences. And I don't think one of us is better than the other, even with his substance use, but I think it actually makes him gives him his own character too. So I think that's an important distinction. It's like just because your children are not necessarily reacting to things the same way doesn't mean that one is less than the other, especially when it comes to addiction, I found in my own responsibilities, as I've gotten older, between my brother addiction and his sense of sobriety, that my responsibilities have changed over time, and that's something that I'm still working through. When he was younger. It was a lot of, like you said, helping him with homework or with school and other things that a child might need support with. But as I've gotten older, was more about like, How can I show up for him, or how can I ease the load for my parents? Is this normal to have, like, this fluctuating sense of responsibility is when there's addiction between, like, sobriety and active use. Oh
Whitney Goodman 16:05
my gosh, yeah, absolutely. And I think, like, the nature of addiction is that you're kind of always on edge, right? Even when someone's had years of sobriety. I think when you love someone that is in that place, you can always have this little undercurrent of like, well, what if things went back? Like, you don't really know how to get totally comfortable with that, and so that can make you feel like, oh, how am I supposed to be in this moment? Or what's going to come next? There's some anxiety involved in that, and obviously what they need from you is different in those moments. But I also find that whether it's with siblings, parents, whoever, it's hard to go from being like someone's full caretaker or being in charge of them when they're not doing well or they're incapable of making decisions for themselves, to like being hands off. Yeah, and I think even siblings and parentified adult children can struggle with that and become, like, suffocating in a way of, like, I don't trust you, I'm not sure if you're sober, if you're lying, and that can really mess up the dynamic too.
Dominique Dajer 17:13
Absolutely, like, that's actually a conversation I've had with my brother a couple of months ago, and we were talking about, you know, my teenage years, when he was like, more of a preteen, and he's got, I always felt like you were my mom, and it was harder for me to open up to you, I'm paraphrasing. But for him, he just felt like he had three parents, and he was just like, I just want a sister where I can talk to you and I can come to you and like, not worried about, like, if you're gonna go and tell mom certain things, or tell me what to do or what not to do. And I think that was something we definitely missed out, missed out on as siblings. I think now as we're older, he's 20, we're thinking about like, what do we want our relationship to look like as just siblings, right? Whether he's an active use, whether he's in recovery, and I think that's, there's no, I think, right or wrong answer for that, but for people who might be in that situation, who are navigating this fine line between, like how to be a supportive sibling, or how to just show up as a sibling, what are some tips or suggestions that you might have for them?
Whitney Goodman 18:15
I think in adulthood, you have to separate your sibling relationship from your parents, and this is the hardest part, especially like you're talking about, I felt like another parent, and it's probably true, like to some degree you were, because I would bet that your parents are managing their anxiety by bringing you in as like a third to kind of help them manage what was going on with your brother. And so everybody loses in that situation, like you pointed out you didn't get to have that sibling relationship. So I think separating from them is the first thing of like, you and I are going to have a relationship that has nothing to do with our relationship with our parents. What's going on between you and them, etc, and then when there's addiction involved, like, I think figuring out what's our relationship going to look like as adults, like, should I be monitoring you, checking in with you? What kind of relationship do you want? Right with me? Because sometimes the relationship can start to revolve only around you being a caretaker. And that's not a friendship either. So sometimes you have to start totally over from scratch. And I think some people say, like, look, I can only really have a relationship with you when you're sober, and otherwise I can love you from a distance and I care about you, but I'm not going to be able to, like, actually participate in this with you.
Dominique Dajer 19:31
Yeah, no, that makes total sense. And like, you had mentioned something about, like, you have to separate your relationship as siblings from your relationship that you guys have with your parents, and that is one of the most challenging things to do. I think a lot of people can probably agree, and especially when there's addiction, there are things that come up, whether it's in your relationship with your sibling or relationship with your parents, that there are issues that you didn't even know existed, that all come out at the same time, right? So there's a lot of dynamics that you're navigating or. For me when it comes to figuring out the type of relationship I want to have with my brother, the most important thing for me was like learning what my boundaries were, but also identifying, like what my values were. Because I think when I was able to identify what my values were, it was easier for me to set boundaries and develop this relationship as a sibling and not as a parent, with my brother. So parents and children often have very different versions of what occurred in their past, right? Like there might be my brother and I might have very different experiences, or we might have reacted to things differently. My parents might have different interpretations of what occurred and why. What are some ways that those family members, particularly siblings, can actually come to terms with actually occurred, without diminishing the other sibling or parents experience.
Whitney Goodman 20:46
Yeah, this comes up in my work all the time, right? The role of memories and the truth. And I think people can get so stuck in trying to figure out what actually happened, quote, unquote, when, in reality, especially with like, a 10 year age gap, you're gonna have completely different memories of that situation, and your parents are gonna have different interpretations. But I think it's so important to get out of, like, this fact finding mission, and try to focus more on, like, what did it feel like for you in that moment? What are the consequences for you emotionally and get more at the root of, like, why are we arguing about all of our different perceptions, and can all of those perceptions exist at once? I think the situation you brought up of like, my brother felt like I was his mom, and you probably felt like I'm having to be a parent and I don't want to be one, not to put words in your mouth, but like that is both those perceptions are accurate and true, and maybe your brother didn't want you to take on that role and you felt like you had to. But if you can just talk about not the reasons why you feel like that was the right thing to do, and why he thought it was wrong, but more about how it felt for both of you, sometimes you can actually get somewhere with
Dominique Dajer 22:01
that absolutely like, I think something that my mom and I had this conversation a lot, and something that comes up is like she just believed, like she was doing the best she could, like she was like, I was just being, like, the best mom that I could. And that's absolutely true. Like two things can coexist at the same time, and for me, like I was being, I was trying to be his mom, because I don't my mom freaking out right about certain things, right? So I felt whether or not I really had to step into this role, I did because it was my own sense of like, control and like, diminish, de escalating the situation, right? I think when my brother and I talk about what actually happened for us, what happened between our relationship, I think, like you said, that's where we can actually get to a place of, like, deeper understanding, whereas if you're diminishing someone else's experience, you don't really get anywhere. So then again, I think just think two things can coexist at the same time. One of the things that I feel like comes up a lot for siblings in general or parents, is this feeling of guilt when you're doing something, what you believe is inherently right, or you're not doing anything wrong, but you still feel guilty for saying something or doing something. How can we begin to let go of this, like false sense of guilt? They're over the over responsibility while we're still creating a space for ourselves to be able to move forward?
Whitney Goodman 23:21
Yeah, I like to think about guilt as like, is this actually coming from an internal feeling of like, am I not doing something that's in line with my values? Or do I feel like I'm going to be judged externally for what I'm doing? I know that when I worked in addiction, like a lot of people did not resonate with maybe, like the tough love, like, kick them out of the house, type of rhetoric that was really being promoted at the time. And to me, I'd be like, Okay, if that makes you feel guilty, maybe that's not in line with your values and how you actually want to approach this situation, that I think it's just an internal like, monitor of maybe I want to do this different, maybe I want to think about this, or maybe I'm worried about how others are perceiving me, and then that's something I need to release. But with addiction, especially, you are looking for control so desperately over an uncontrollable situation that I think guilt comes up in those moments all the time, because you're like, why can't I figure this out?
Dominique Dajer 24:22
Absolutely something that I talk about too a lot on the podcast, is that for a long time, I was an active member of going to an errand on meetings, and that was definitely the sentiment that I felt, that I needed to cut my brother off or release all control. And it's like, yes, that might work for some people, but I felt like, again, I wasn't living within my values. And I think it's okay to accept that and take the pieces that resonate with you the most and build a life or relationship that you want with it. I think a lot of the times we get stuck in like this all or nothing mentality, and I don't think that's really the case, but we. Can necessarily, we can really adapt or adopt the messages that we want to make sure that they're working for our lives. Something that I want to talk about next is just like the relationships that we have as adults. Having been a parentified child, what would you say to someone who's like learning how to just be a sibling? I know we talked a little bit about that, but if this is something that's new to them, and may be coming to this realization for the first time that maybe they should just be a sibling and not necessarily a parent, what are the first couple of steps you think that that person can take
Whitney Goodman 25:31
trying to have relationships that are built on equal footing is really important. So if you're in this parentified role, you're probably doing a lot of like, micromanaging, checking on the other person, trying to like be above them in a way, in the way we would think of like parents and young children. So if you have any friendships or partnerships that you feel like are more mutual respect like, that's what I would be trying to model it after, and saying, how would I approach a friend that I feel equal with about this, instead of coming at it like I'm a teacher or a cop or a parent. You know that I think sometimes that is the hardest role to step out of?
Dominique Dajer 26:11
Yeah, absolutely. I think, like that authority figure is definitely big, especially with older siblings, not necessarily the oldest daughter. I know I've been guilty of that. Like, I might talk to my brother and I'm like, I know more than you because I've lived longer than you, right? Or like, I've been in the real world and I've handled things this way, and like, I kind of put my own agenda on him too, without meaning to or because I'm well intended. But it's like, at the end of the day, like, everyone needs to live their own life and figure things out on their own. There isn't necessarily a right or wrong way to do things, but I think figuring out what works best for your relationship with your sibling or your relationship with your parents through trial and error, I think is probably one of the best ways to test that. If we're thinking about our relationships outside of our siblings and our parents, maybe they're like with our friends, like you mentioned, coworkers, romantic relationships, what are some of the traits that might come up in those relationships if you were a parentified child? I
Whitney Goodman 27:05
think it's a similar thing that we just talked about, like, really trying to micromanage your partner, having a lot of anxiety, needing to be in a role of, like, authority, which also comes with a lot of judgment and maybe criticism and trying to control. And I think a lot of parentified children do this with their partners too. Like it's almost this feeling of like it's hard to relax. I need to be in charge of the dynamic. And sometimes you're in a relationship with someone that is bringing out those qualities in you, and it's not a good setup. Other times it's like you're bringing that energy to their relationship without them even doing anything to kind of provoke that. Yeah, and so I think you have to notice and get, like, this level of insight of like, Oh, am I acting like a parent to my friends all the time? Do they feel like I am the one always calling the shots and needing to be in control, and that's not fun for you either in those relationships.
Dominique Dajer 28:05
Absolutely. I think something that comes up for me a lot is again, going back to control. Is this need to fix things right? It might be masked as like, oh, you know, I'm not really a control freak, or I'm not trying to control this relationship or the situation, but I found myself like, looking for people or things to fix. And I was talking to my therapist about this, and she was like, you need to do something else. Because what you're doing is you're finding all the little problems and this person's life or this person's relationship, and you think you know how to fix it, and it's okay for things to not go the way you're expecting them to go, and just let it play out. And for me, like that was one of the most challenging things to actually come to terms with, because growing up, I was so used to having my hands in all the pots and doing things for people. So for any parent to buy children that are listening, it's okay to relinquish some of that control or learn how to yes, there might be some parents who are listening, and I want to know, are there any specific tips you would give to parents who think that they might have a parentified child? Maybe they're younger, maybe they're adults right now, but what are some tips that you can give them to help validate their experiences while doing the work themselves?
Whitney Goodman 29:20
Yeah, so there's actually some good research on parentification, that when children are given like, these big challenges, it can actually be a really positive experience for them, like, let's say a parent gets cancer, or there's a death in the family, there's that's not a guarantee that the child is going to become parentified. If they are given too much responsibility in those moments, it can actually be a great moment for families to work together, for kids to learn to be responsible, if the family handles it correctly by actually pointing out, like we know, this is hard right now. This is a lot for you, asking the kids how they feel about the responsibility, trying to give them things that they can. Handle and making it like an open conversation, right? That we're all in this together. I think that's what parentified kids really feel, is they're alone with those problems, and they've been abandoned with them, and no one's going to help them, versus a family going through a problem that's teammates and all together like feels really good. And we actually see that with those kids, they come out the other side with a lot of the adaptive consequences that we were talking about. So I think if you're in a situation where your family's going through a hard time and you're like, oh my gosh, could I be parentifying My children? That's a really good thing to remember. If you have kids that are older and you're looking back and saying, Oh, I think this already happened. My biggest tip is, like, talk to them about it. Ask them what it was like for them to go through that. You know, I do a lot of estrangement work with adults who are estranged from their parents, and that's the number one thing I hear all the time is, I wish my parent would just be like, I get why that was hard for you. I understand what you went through. If I put myself in your shoes at that time, that time, that would have been really hard. And like, I I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you, and you would be so shocked at like, how far that really goes. We can't rewrite the past, but that adult knowing, like, Oh, my parent gets it, and they see what I went through, and they're acknowledging it, like, it really makes up for a lot
Dominique Dajer 31:21
of it. Yeah, it's definitely a beautiful thing when the parent gets to acknowledge the experience for the child I love that you actually brought up the positive things that can come out of being a parentified child. I think for me, like my experience, like it's forced me to become a more independent person, and with that independence, I've developed a sense of confidence and being a self starter. And I think learning how to do things for myself has been one of the newer challenges. Whereas a kid, I was doing a lot of or even as a younger adult, I was doing things for the recognition from others, like my parents. And I think now like learning how to recognize why you're doing things, if you're doing it for yourself, if you're doing it for an external for external validation, I think could be one of the pinpoint ways to help, to help you through the experience of being a parentified in the context of substance use. Is there anything else that you feel like we either didn't cover, or do you feel like siblings should walk away with from this conversation and navigating either their sibling dynamic or their relationship with their parents. You
Whitney Goodman 32:26
know, I think you touched on this of like, I hear a lot about maybe the parentified or like the golden child sibling, the one that was performing, can sometimes feel this feeling of like, well, I'm better than my sibling, because look at how I reacted to what was like going on in our home, especially if you're homeless, chaotic or abusive. I think we have to remember that everybody reacts in their own way, usually based on like, their personality and their temperament and their age at the time of things that sometimes it's just like bad luck, how you end up, and it's not as much like you were so much better. And I think sometimes that can be this thing that bars siblings from forming a relationship is like they're they're upset at their sibling with the addiction, for ruining the family, for disrupting everything. And if you can look at it as like we were all kind of victims of a system. We were all struggling, and we all struggled in in different ways. I think it can help you see each other's humanity. And they also have to do that looking back at you and not be like, Oh, this is my sibling that was just perfect. And sometimes they can hold resentment absolutely about that, and it's it's really hard to see each other as like. This is just the way we've responded to certain things in our life.
Dominique Dajer 33:47
Yeah, I definitely feel like there's resentment. Is probably, probably one of the strongest emotions that comes up in dysfunctional family dynamics or complex relationships. And what I'm wondering is, do you feel like the parentified child often falls into one specific role in those traditional family roles. Or do you feel like they can blend between a few of them?
Whitney Goodman 34:09
I mean, I think that you're definitely going to see them being like golden child hero. It depends. A lot of times these children are getting recognized for what they're taking on, but sometimes they're not. Sometimes the they're taking on all this stuff in the house, paying the bills, keeping a roof over their head, and the parent is like, totally checked out and not recognizing so I don't think that they always get like, accolades for being the one to take everything on in certain family systems where there's a lot of dysfunction, and maybe that's the only person that's being responsible, they can actually be like, looked down upon and scapegoated as well for being like, you said, uptight and, you know, dramatic, whatever it is. Yeah,
Dominique Dajer 34:53
absolutely. I think that's been part of my experience too. It's like, because I was able to accomplish a specific task or a specific mm. Milestone in my life that I was kind of pinpointed as, like the bad guy by some people, because there was a sense of resentment that this person didn't do that. And I think in those situations, I kind of became the scapegoat, because that's just how the family dynamics played out. So I think those are important distinctions to make. And for those who might be listening, we have an episode on family dynamics, 101, that you guys can definitely tune into if you're looking to learn more about the traditional family roles and family dynamics. And stay tuned for episodes two and three from our mini series, which will be covering the glass child and the cycle breaker. I want to thank you so much, Whitney, for coming onto the show today and sharing your personal expertise around the parentified child, and why it's usually the
Whitney Goodman 35:43
eldest daughter. Thank you so much for having me. And if anyone is interested in working on their adult family relationships, you can join calling home@callinghome.co and then we also have the calling home podcast. You
Dominique Dajer 36:02
thanks for listening to this episode of for love of recovery. If you enjoyed this episode or know somebody who might please leave a comment and share it. You can also join our Facebook group, siblings for love of recovery. If you're looking to have deeper conversations around your siblings drug or alcohol addiction and remember where there's hope, there's healing.