Resentment, guilt, & cost of being the responsible sibling in addiction (with Amber Hollingsworth)
About the episode
For years, Amber Hollingsworth was the responsible one. She covered her older half-sister's bad checks, paid her bills, and bought school clothes and Christmas gifts for her kids. Even after she became an addiction counselor, the calls kept coming, and so did the knot in her stomach every time an unknown number lit up her phone. Then came the moment she finally said no.
For siblings of someone with addiction, there's often no room left for your own needs. How do you help without enabling? How do you stop feeling guilty when you say no, and resentful when you say yes? And how do you stop being the one who holds it all together?
In this episode, Amber, founder of the YouTube channel Put The Shovel Down, opens up about growing up in an addicted family, the role of the "hero child," and what it cost her to be the responsible sibling. Together, we talk about guilt, resentment, forgiveness, and boundaries from the sibling perspective.
If you've ever felt like you had to hold it all together while your brother or sister was in crisis, this episode is for you. Because you can love someone deeply without sacrificing yourself for them.
Guest: Amber Hollingsworth, founder of Put The Shovel Down and older sibling to a younger half-sister who struggled with addiction
This episode will help you
Understand "guilt-sment," the mix of guilt and resentment many siblings feel, and why it can happen whether you say yes or no
Recognize the "hero child" role and how being the responsible sibling can follow you into adult relationships
Learn why siblings are often the last to forgive, and why forgiveness doesn't mean letting someone back in
Use a simple test to tell the difference between helping and enabling
Think about boundaries as rules you set for yourself, not ultimatums for your sibling
Find ways parents can support the child who seems fine, without making every conversation about the one in crisis
Resources
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Amber Hollingsworth: Maybe you're mad at Mom, like because Mom keeps rescuing. Or maybe you feel like the parents are being too hard on them. So there's this resentment about the rest of what's going on in the family.
Amber Hollingsworth: There's all these mixed feelings. Or maybe you feel like, they're always messing up. They get all the attention, all the resources. I'm over here doing the right thing, and no one even knows I'm on the planet.
Dominique: Welcome to FLOR for Love of Recovery, where I'm your host, Dominique Dajer. Sibling relationships can be so unique, but they can become more complex when there's drug or alcohol use involved. If you find yourself questioning how to help, you're not alone.
Dominique: Join me on this journey in restoring hope and healing.
Dominique: When someone you love is struggling with addiction, it can bring up a lot of complicated emotions: anger, resentment, guilt, you name it.
Dominique: But it also brings up this complicated question around what your role should be in helping them. Today I'm joined by Amber Hollingsworth. [00:01:00] Amber is the founder of Put The Shovel Down, the popular YouTube channel where she helps families navigate addiction and their relationships with loved ones. So Amber, I'm so excited to have you on the show today.
Dominique: Thank you so much for being here with us.
Amber Hollingsworth: Thanks for having me, Dominique. I'm excited too because you talk about addiction from the sibling perspective, which isn't covered that much. And so I feel like we're gonna get into some areas that I don't normally get to get into, and I'm excited about it.
Dominique: For those who are listening and don't know about Amber, I actually found her channel a few years ago when I was navigating the beginning of my brother's addiction, and there weren't a lot of resources for siblings, and Amber's channel was one of the channels that I went to to figure out, "What the hell do I do?"
Dominique: And I was really excited to learn that you don't necessarily just need to follow this, quote, "tough love" approach. You can be nice and still practice boundaries. You can still level set with your loved one in a way that works for you or your family. So I'm very excited to have this [00:02:00] conversation with you and talk about it from the sibling perspective.
Amber Hollingsworth: Yeah, me too. This is gonna be a good one. I think it's gonna help a lot of people.
Dominique: With that being said, Amber, I really wanna give you the floor to talk a little bit about your experience with your sibling. It's something that you haven't talked a lot on your channel, but it's something that you've kind of alluded to, and I wanna give you the space to get into that before we discuss some of the bigger questions.Amber Hollingsworth: So, I don't talk a, a lot about my personal background on my channel, but most people that follow me, they know that I come from an addicted family. Like addiction is everywhere, like parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and also my older half-sister. and, I mean, it was pretty significant.
Amber Hollingsworth: In the end, my mom and my, and my half-sister were, like, using meth together, so it was serious. and even though there were so many people that had addictions, I would probably say my sister's issue with addiction probably had the [00:03:00] bigger impact on me,
Dominique: Mm.
Amber Hollingsworth: is surprising for a lot of people, 'cause you might think, "Well, it would be your, your, you know, your mom or whatever." But honestly, it was my sister's that I was most aware of at the time when it was happening, and that sort of played a part in my everyday life on a level that I was aware of. Some of the other stuff was going on on a level I wasn't aware of, but with my sister, I kinda knew what was happening. So she's my half-sister.
Amber Hollingsworth: We had the same mom but not the same dads, and she's
Amber Hollingsworth: like,
Dominique: Mhm
Amber Hollingsworth: older. than me We weren't ever super really close as siblings. Like, Sometimes she stayed with us, and then sometimes she would be with her dad, so she wasn't with us all the
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: But I think it was more because even though there was addiction all in my family, she the most non-functional. You could see it, which I think is common with young people
Dominique: Hmm, yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: when you're young, you see the unmanageability. First thing that happened to her before the addiction started was she got pregnant at 15. And so she had her first son when she [00:04:00] was 15 years old, which is you know, aDominique: Tough
Amber Hollingsworth: And she wasn't using or had an addiction then, but after her son was born, which He was my nephew. I loved him. Like he stayed. I felt like I, like I just totally took over
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: in a good way. And she of course was struggling, you know. She's like a, a 15-year-old single mom at this point. And I think it was then that she met this guy, this other guy, th- that had a problem, right? And she sort of ran off with him and literally was gone several years. We didn't even know where she was. Like, she
Dominique: Wow
Amber Hollingsworth: She was gone, and we had no idea where she was. And then she sort of reappeared or whatever, and she came back, and she brought this guy back with her. And she... remember if she had had her daughter or was pregnant with her daughter when she came back, but there was like, "We're moving on to baby number two. She's back with this guy." And this is when the unmanageability and the chaos [00:05:00] really sort of started getting out of control.
Chaos And Enabling Cycle
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Amber Hollingsworth: Like, I can remember I was, like, 15, 16, 17 she would be, like, writing bad checks around town.
Amber Hollingsworth: And then, you know, of course my mom would be worried about, you know, didn't wanna go to jail or something like that. And so, you know, my family didn't have much money. I would be working. I've always worked since I was, like, 13, and I would be helping give money to cover her checks, her bad checks around town.
Amber Hollingsworth: And that's what I mean when I say the unmanageability sort of really directly came into my life.
Dominique: Right. That's really tough because it sounds like you were already taking on maybe some of that responsibility too while she wasn't there. Her son was behind, and, like, your family was, you know, of course, sounds like it was raising him, and then she's coming in, she's coming back with these bad checks, and you're still taking, maybe in a different way, but starting to help fill those gaps and help her out from some of the consequences that were going on because of the use
Amber Hollingsworth: And it only escalated from there. I mean, So [00:06:00] she had the first boy, and then she had three more children fairly quick together with
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: guy I don't wanna put it on him because it's, you know, the both of them. It wasn't a
Dominique: Right.
Amber Hollingsworth: I'll just say that,
Dominique: Of course
Amber Hollingsworth: Then so she had three more, and then she ended up having another one with another guy.
Amber Hollingsworth: But she was constantly in a relationship with a guy that was bad. You know, they would get in fights, like physical fights, right? And then she would move out, and then she would need help having somewhere to stay, and then she'd go back. You know, the standard
Dominique: Like unhealthy, like dynamic of the back and forth
Amber Hollingsworth: unhealthy, right? And because she had these kids, I think that really makes it extra complicated when there are kids involved because it's one thing to say, "Okay, you know, you made this mess, you live with it," but when there are kids that are also living in that mess, you feel more compelled to help. And so I was constantly in this situation where I was, like, either giving her money
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: For years and years and [00:07:00] years, I bought all of her kids' school clothes, like, all their Christmas everything. I took care of these kids. and she would just be in and out of these relationships and constantly needing bailing out, you know, from one thing or another. And this, went on well into when I was even an addiction counselor.
Amber Hollingsworth: I
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: her electric bill, I'm, like, an addictions counselor. I should know better at this point, but it's still going on because you're thinking she calls, she asks for money for an electric bill, and then you're like, you say no, you feel guilty. If you say yes, you feel guilty because you feel like you shouldn't be doing it.
Amber Hollingsworth: You're just sort of stuck in this rock and a hard place, and it gets to the point where when I would see a number come up, and it wouldn't have her name because She never kept a cellphone long. You know, it was always a new one. But when I would see that area code I would feel sick at my stomach, and I wouldn't answer right away because I would have to gear myself up and call back to get myself in a place
Dominique: I know that feeling, the knot in your stomach, right? Where the sinking feeling where you're like, "Okay," "What's the emergency now? Do I need to answer, or [00:08:00] is there a real emergency, or is this person just gonna ask me for something on the other end of the line?"
Amber Hollingsworth: Right.
Dominique: So
Amber Hollingsworth: couldn't answer. I'm almost... ' Cause I'm like a freezer, like in fight, fright. I'm like a freeze person, and so, I would have to get myself mentally in a place and call her back. 'Cause I knew the conversation was gonna leave me feeling bad one way or the other, 'cause I knew she was gonna ask me for something, right?
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: that's when she called. I was either gonna say yes, and like I said, then you feel guilty and resentful about it, or say no, and you feel guilty. It's like you're put in a bad place no matter which way you turn, and so there's no good answer that leaves you feeling okay about the
Dominique: Yeah. Yeah, definitely.
Guilt And Breaking Point
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Dominique: I feel like a lot of siblings, and probably parents too, you kinda get to a crossroads where you're stuck between what should I do and what can I really do that's still gonna be appropriate for my relationship with this person for or how I feel. There's a should do, shouldn't do, what can I do, right?
Dominique: There's a lot of questions that you start to ask yourself. And you started to hint [00:09:00] at it right now where you talked about maybe some of the resentment or guilt that you were worried about feeling. At what point did that start to come up in your relationship with your sister, and how did you navigate that over the years?
Amber Hollingsworth: Honestly, this dynamic was our relationship. We didn't really have a relationship outside of this dynamic. That was it. You know, she would need something, would call. You know, when I would go into town for holidays, I would try to find her. When I did, I would try to set her up with groceries and whatever it was that she needed at the time. that really was our dynamic. We didn't have a relation- It wasn't like we talked. It wasn't like we had shared childhood experiences, really. This was it, right? And, and I kinda had this parentified sort of relationship with her,
Dominique: Mm, that's really tough.
Dominique: We talk about that a lot, right? You know, being the sibling that, is quote, "responsible" or mature so they become the child that is often leaned on for support with the sibling that is struggling with addiction, right? They seem to, quote, "have it [00:10:00] all together," and you think it's your job, right?
Dominique: It doesn't feel like there is another option to not get involved or to not help your sister. You talked a little bit about how you would, you know, go help her, look for her, pay her bills and whatnot. Was there ever like, any kind of feeling of "Why do I have to do this?" Or, "Why is somebody else not doing this?"
Dominique: At what point in your life did you felt like you needed to make a change?
Amber Hollingsworth: Well, I, I think Eventually, I started to become more and more aware that my own family was suffering. My own family needed things that we were doing without so that I could help her, right? So that
Dominique: Mm.
Amber Hollingsworth: starts to get your attention. And just so, no one ever told me I had to help her.
Amber Hollingsworth: No one, you know, I wasn't really getting pressure to do that from anywhere. I wasn't getting pressure to not do that from anywhere. It was coming from me, right?
Dominique: Right
Amber Hollingsworth: I could have said no. My sister, even though she had these problems, she is very kind, very sweet. She's not, not like she was gonna yell or scream or call me a name or
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: to make me feel guilty, right?
Amber Hollingsworth: It was, this comes from me.
Grandmother’s Money Incident
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Amber Hollingsworth: but that [00:11:00] kinda went on for a while until kind of eventually, for me, there was a cutoff point, and that was, My mother died during these years from her
Dominique: Mm.
Amber Hollingsworth: right? And my mother was adopted, so she doesn't have a big family. She only had her one parent living, which was her mother, my grandmother. So we just didn't have a big family on that side. So at this point, my mom has passed away, then there's just my grandmother, myself, this half-sister, and, and I have a younger sister, too, but she lived in the town where my grandmother lived, or at least close. So she would go to my grandmother, who also didn't have a lot of money, and get money from my grandmother a lot, it- when she needed something. And you know how people are when they get older. They're always like, know, when I die, do this and do
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: have these uncomfortable conversations. My grandmother was like that, you know, like a lot of people are, and she's like, "Okay, Amber. When I die, I have this, you know, insurance that's gonna pay for this much of my funeral, and I've already got it, you know, set up, and I have this much money in my checking account to pay for my [00:12:00] funeral."
Amber Hollingsworth: "Okay, MeeMaw. Can we talk about something else?" You know? It was, like, a lot of that. But nonetheless, cause it was important
Amber Hollingsworth: her. She worried about that, right? she had this money set aside in her checking account to use or whatever. Well, ended up falling, broke her hip, had surgery, did okay, but then while she was in recovery, she had a blood clot, and it killed her. Well, that same day, when she was in the aftercare place after having surgery, my sister had come up to the place to see her and visit her, and apparently had told her:
Amber Hollingsworth: "MeeMaw, I need new tires," blah, blah, blah. And, and so my MeeMaw was like, "Okay," you know, she's in the hospital bed, okay?
Dominique: Right
Amber Hollingsworth: hip serious. And she's "Just get a check out of my checkbook or whatever in my purse, and, you know, you can have the money to pay for tires." Well, my grandmother ended up passing away. she ended up cleaning out the whole checking account, and for me, that was sort of last straw kinda situation. and that's kinda when [00:13:00] I was done, like, paying for stuff, 'cause I ended up having to pay for the funeral and everything. So for me, that was kind of the breaking point.
Amber Hollingsworth: I don't know if that's what you would call it.
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: a big fight or anything that happened. It's just that the next time she called and asked me for money, I just said, "No, I can't do that," and she never called again.
Dominique: You were done. It's- You're talking about something that I think is really interesting 'cause we talked about the resentment, and sometimes I feel like resentment can come from a place of being forced to do something or having to do something. And you talked about those earlier years where you did it, you helped your sister because you wanted to, not because your parent or somebody else was making you do something you didn't really wanna do.
Dominique: And it sounds like here, when your sister took whatever was left in the checking account with the checkbook, it was like you took something. and now, It wasn't something that was being given willfully, even if it was from your grandmother, right? She kinda took that, and I think that's an interesting distinction around, like, where resentment can come from.
Dominique: It's where you feel like someone is taking something that they're not entitled to versus willingly giving them [00:14:00] something or helping them in a way that you want to, that is authentic to you. So I think that's a really interesting point. Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: It's like even though I might have resentment about giving it, I know that it's my choice to do that. And the, the... It wasn't that she just took money, 'cause I'm sure she had stolen lots of things over lots of years. But, but, you know, for
Dominique: It being that breaking point
Amber Hollingsworth: on her deathbed, I mean, for me, that was like, "Okay, this is just a lot." know? I don't know, it just kind of closed that door for me,
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: willing to keep doing that any longer.
Guiltsment And Tough Love
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Amber Hollingsworth: And I have a word for what you're talking about. I call it guilt-sment.
Dominique: Mm, I love that
Amber Hollingsworth: feeling guilty, and then half feeling resentful, and then feeling resentful because you feel guilty.
Dominique: Oh, 100%.
Amber Hollingsworth: Like, 'Cause you feel guilty letting them suffer, and then so you fix it, but then you're resentful about it, and it's just a bad scenario. So that's my word,
Dominique: Absolutely. I remember when when my brother was... He was on and off the street for a while during his active addiction. And during [00:15:00] this time my mom and I were going to Nar-Anon meetings, and a lot of the culture and the preaching is around you know, quote, "Letting them hit their rock bottom," like not helping them.
Dominique: And I really fed into the narrative of he has to feel the worst possible consequence for him to be able to make a change. But then I felt guilty about doing that, even though I was preaching it to my mom. Like I would tell my mom like, "You can't go look for him and give him food or clothing or whatever it might be."
Dominique: But then after I would tell her that and I made her feel kind of bad about it, then I felt bad because I was like, if it was my son, I don't know what I would do. And it was that, what you're calling like that guilt-sment. I was like resentful that I was in this position, but then I also felt guilty that I'm in this position and I'm not helping.
Dominique: So I think it's really complicated.
Amber Hollingsworth: Yeah
Dominique: that you talk about doing things that are like within your means or within your speaking about things in a way that works for you or helping in a way that works for you.
Amber Hollingsworth: Mm-hmm
Dominique: so it's, it's definitely tough and this [00:16:00] guilt-sment I'm, I'm sure is something that, a lot of listeners can resonate with for sure.
Amber Hollingsworth: It's a big mixed ball of emotions because it comes from what you're talking about. Like, There's just a no-win situation. It doesn't matter what choice you make, you're gonna leave feeling bad about it.
Dominique: Oh, 100%.
Amber Hollingsworth: Mm-hmm.
Aftermath And No Contact
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Dominique: so one of the things you kind of just mentioned is that after that, that was like the breaking point where you weren't speaking to her after that. How has your relationship with her changed? Do you guys have a relationship now? And if so what does that look like?
Amber Hollingsworth: I don't know that I've spoken with her since then, and it's not because I'm like, do they call it? The, the big word, no contact or what-
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: It's like a
Dominique: You're going no
Amber Hollingsworth: say.
Dominique: contac- no contact
Amber Hollingsworth: like that. It was like after my grandmother passed, she called and asked for money, and that was the first time I'd said, "No, you know, I can't help you with this." And there wasn't a lot of conversation about it, and she literally just never called me after that,
Dominique: Hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: right? So, like occasionally I would hear from her aunt. She had an aunt, like on her dad's side, that
Dominique: Угу
Amber Hollingsworth: call and tell me something [00:17:00] about what was going on with my sister or, she would end up taking care of one of my sister's kids, one of my nieces or whatever. But, you know, my, my sister's life was rough. I went and got... Saw her, got her out of places. Like, I went and got those kids out of places that literally had dirt floors,
Dominique: Right
Amber Hollingsworth: in the middle of a junkyard, like really, like not
Dominique: That's tough
Amber Hollingsworth: And we would even try to call like social services, but they wouldn't do anything about it.
Amber Hollingsworth: It was like bad.
Dominique: Yeah, that's a really tough spot to have to be in. And I could even see even though you haven't really spoken to her much, I could see how like, I might even hold on to some guilt or resentment after that.
Family Dynamics And Hero Child
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Dominique: Is... In your professional experience have you seen... what are some of the reasons why you've seen, maybe anger or resentment fester between siblings or other family members regardless of what their relationship might look like?
Amber Hollingsworth: Well, this isn't so much in my case with my sister, but professionally I've
Dominique: Угу
Amber Hollingsworth: other scenarios show up, which is a [00:18:00] lot of times it's not just, when it's your sibling, it's not just your feeling about them and their situation, it's your feeling about how their situation is impacting the rest of the
Amber Hollingsworth: Maybe you're mad at Mom, like because Mom keeps rescuing. Or maybe you feel like the parents are being too hard on them. So there's this resentment about the rest of what's going on in the family.
Amber Hollingsworth: There's all these mixed feelings. Or maybe you feel like, they're always messing up. They get all the attention, all the resources. I'm over here doing the right thing, and no one even knows I'm on the planet.
Amber Hollingsworth: it's More about the bigger family dynamic that can really come into play
Dominique: Absolutely. I think that's such an interesting point. So last week my family and I had a meeting with my brother who is in long-term recovery. And one of the things we talked about is how I don't have any resentment towards my brother, regardless of his addiction and some of the pain that he caused our family.
Dominique: I have no resentment really about that in particular. But it's interesting how I had some resentment come up towards my parents, and I shared this with my mom, how like, "Sometimes [00:19:00] I feel like when I talk to you, everything is about my brother." I resent sometimes... Not... This is a very strong word, but I do resent her at times because I feel like there's no room for me to show up with my story or with my, whatever it is that I wanna share as a daughter, because everything comes back to my brother.
Dominique: And so it's interesting how that's an example of how that resentment or that guilt, frustration, whatever it might be, can bleed over into other relationships, into like, the larger family, even if it's not directed towards the sibling that's using substances
Amber Hollingsworth: Right
Amber Hollingsworth: and, and you make up, you know, you, you say something really important there, Dominique, which is
Dominique: Угу
Amber Hollingsworth: there's not room for me, right? And sometimes we're aware that's happening, and sometimes it's like subconscious. Like for me, I don't think there was a conscious awareness of that, but because everyone in my family had problems and my sister was always in crisis, I knew there wasn't room for me. wasn't
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: aware of it, but I, I didn't have problems. I wouldn't bring problems. I handled [00:20:00] everything myself. I paid for everything myself. Like I didn't have any needs a really young age until like now, right?
Dominique: it's so true. It, it forces you to be, like, almost hyper independent
Amber Hollingsworth: Yes.
Dominique: fault, to almost.
Amber Hollingsworth: Which is, you know,
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: lining to that, right?
Amber Hollingsworth: Like it's taken me kinda far in
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: a good part of that. But it's also, it, it looks great on the outside, like when you look at addictive family roles, there's one called the, the hero child. that
Dominique: Right
Amber Hollingsworth: and it looks great, but it's its own dysfunction, right? Because then you bring that role into your adult relationships not aware that you're doing that, right?
Amber Hollingsworth: And then you continue to be over-parentified and over responsible, and that messes up your future relationships in ways you don't even realize is happening
Dominique: Absolutely. You notice sometimes if you are that hero child, you might see that come up in your romantic relationships or even at work, you know, being, like, the perfectionist or the caretaker. And it's [00:21:00] really challenging, and I think to your point, there's also a silver lining. Sometimes it does force you to be, you know, very independent, and you're very good at you know, maybe multitasking or doing lots of things like that.
Dominique: But it doesn't come without with its own set of challenges.
Amber Hollingsworth: Right.
Dominique: you know, for anyone listening...
Amber Hollingsworth: over-functioner, and that over-functioning shows up everywhere
Dominique: Absolutely, and maybe not even knowing how to relax sometimes. Taking a step back and, my mom and I spoke about this too. She's the eldest daughter of five siblings,
Amber Hollingsworth: Mm-hmm
Dominique: was always the one who was taking care of, you know, her younger siblings, her parents eventually when they got ill and passed.
Dominique: And she always needs someone or something to fix or a new project, and that's a whole other conversation around family dynamics. But I think that plays a huge part in that sibling relationship and how resentment might show up in your specific family
Amber Hollingsworth: Right. It, it's,
Dominique: Yeah.
Amber Hollingsworth: multi-layered. It's complicated. It's [00:22:00] like, goes from your family of origin to your current family to your adulthood. And, and like I
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: it looks good on the outside, but there is a dysfunction there with the over-functioning. 'Cause when you're an over-functioner, you don't realize that, but that causes the people around you to under-function,
Dominique: Definitely, yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: you back in that same guilt, scenario.
Amber Hollingsworth: Like, You're recreating it, not aware that you're recreating it, but you do over and over and over
Dominique: Yeah, that's true. It's definitely a tough spot to be in.
Amber Hollingsworth: Угу
Forgiveness And Moving Forward
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Dominique: for siblings who are maybe trying to navigate this resentment and they're trying to get to a place where they can eventually forgive their sibling or maybe even their parent or other family members, depending on the relationship in the family is forgiveness possible?
Dominique: And do people need to forgive their loved one in order to move forward?
Amber Hollingsworth: Well, I think you need to get to a place in your own heart, whether you call it forgiveness or something else, where you can kind of get some closure or some okay-ness with it, right? It needs to... You need to sort [00:23:00] through it a bit so you...
Dominique: Mm.
Amber Hollingsworth: it just stays all just brewing in there all the time, right?
Amber Hollingsworth: And, and when it's brewing, it's affecting you in these other ways, like we're talking about. You're bringing that into other relationships, not really even knowing that you're doing that. So you kinda have to get an awareness of it and a hold of it. I don't know if you wanna call it forgiveness or whatever, but you need to get to an okay place with it. But the forgiveness of a sibling, I thought this was interesting, 'cause I have a lot of friends in recovery, and I interviewed several of them on my channel, and one of the things I just noticed is that in several of them they said specifically, "My sister or my brother was the last one to forgive me." I was thinking about, like, why that might be.
Amber Hollingsworth: Like years, like it would take them like three years after they were sober for a long, long time, and everyone is... And I think s- from a sibling perspective, like I said, it's not just how what you did affected me, it's how what you did affected Mom and Dad
Dominique: Right
Amber Hollingsworth: people in the house, and maybe I'm, I'm upset with them cause of all these other dynamics. Plus, I think you [00:24:00] see them slightly more objectively. Like, A lot of times
Dominique: Sure
Amber Hollingsworth: families in our practice and, you know, you'll hear from the person themselves, they have one side of the story. You hear from the family, they have other side of the story. And on several occasions I've said, "I wanna talk to your sibling, because I know they're gonna know what's up."
Dominique: Yeah.
Amber Hollingsworth: that, the sibling is gonna know what's really happening,
Dominique: Yeah.
Amber Hollingsworth: I feel like I'm not getting the whole real story, I'm like, "Can I talk to your sister?"
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: brother or whatever. then you get, okay, you know, they break it, "Let me tell you what's going on. This is what Mom thinks.
Amber Hollingsworth: This is what he's really doing," or, you know.
Dominique: Yeah, like that second set of eyes. Yeah. It's so true.
Amber Hollingsworth: look.
Dominique: Yeah, that's- it's so true. I'm laughing because, one, because like I said, I just sat in this kind of family meeting with my parents and my brother last week, and that's exactly how it played out, where my brother is coming in, sharing his point of view expressing whatever he needs to share.
Dominique: My parents each having two totally separate accounts of what happened [00:25:00] over 10-plus years,
Amber Hollingsworth: Right
Dominique: me being like, "Actually, that all is true, but there's a bigger picture that's being missed," right? So I think it's interesting to have that other sibling perspective. And I think sometimes age does play a interesting role.
Dominique: My brother and I are 10 years apart, so sometimes I look at it from a bird's-eye view, from a different perspective. So I definitely think getting that sibling side to the story is, is key. Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: that they can be the more objective of the in the mix
Dominique: Yeah.
Amber Hollingsworth: you know, for some reason. I think, you know, you're close enough to their age, you're close enough to the situation to see some truth.
Dominique: Right
Amber Hollingsworth: when you're the parent, there's so many more emotions mixed in, y- you know? Yeah.
Dominique: for sure.
Amber Hollingsworth: knows what's up.
Dominique: Yeah.
Amber Hollingsworth: Yeah.
Dominique: That's gonna be the name of this episode.
Amber Hollingsworth: Yeah. I'm stick, I'm holding to that. I'm
Dominique: Yeah.
Amber Hollingsworth: that.
Do You Say I Forgive You
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Dominique: So, going back to forgiveness for a second, so like you just talked about sometimes you need to like sort through your feelings or sort through your past [00:26:00] experiences. Where does the, quote, "I forgive you" line play a role? Do you need to have that conversation with your sibling and verbally forgive them or let them know it?
Dominique: Or can you forgive them on your own as you're sorting through and processing those emotions and experiences and whatnot?
Amber Hollingsworth: I think it probably depends on whether they're still in your life or not. If you're around them regularly and you talk to them regularly, it might be a conversation you need to have with them. But maybe they're not around regularly and, and maybe you don't want them around regularly, you know?
Amber Hollingsworth: And that doesn't mean you don't
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: them.
Forgive Without Reopening Wounds
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Amber Hollingsworth: You can forgive someone in your heart and move forward, and the forgiveness in my mind is just "I'm not gonna let this eat my insides up anymore." It's
Dominique: Mm.
Amber Hollingsworth: that you're not going to let this thing burn you up. and you don't necessarily have to tell that person, and you don't necessarily... Because sometimes if you say, "I forgive you," it could start a fight, you know? Because
Dominique: Right
Amber Hollingsworth: "Forgive me for what?" You know, or whatever. You know, like it can be... it can, or it can feel like it's an opening to let someone [00:27:00] come closer in your life that you don't really want closer even if you forgive them.
Amber Hollingsworth: So I think you have to look at that on a individual basis. But regardless of whether you say it to the other person or you don't, have to get your head wrapped around. It's like through a bad relationship, breaking up with a
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: to sort of wrap your head around what happened and why it happened and get some kinda sense of meaning and closure on it so that you're not just reacting to it all the time.
Dominique: Yeah, definitely.
Boundaries After Forgiveness
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Dominique: like how does someone know like, if they're actually ready to forgive somebody? Or they say they forgive them, but, like, how does that actually show up in the relationship now?
Amber Hollingsworth: Well, just 'cause you forgive doesn't mean you forget. Just 'cause you
Dominique: Mm-hmm
Amber Hollingsworth: doesn't mean you can't have healthy boundaries anymore. 'Cause like I said, you can forgive someone and still not have contact with them. But it's like a I'm not holding ill will in my heart, right?
Dominique: Hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: can understand, and I think of all people, I understand addiction as good as anybody can understand it.
Amber Hollingsworth: I totally get it. and people that know me clinically, they know I'm the one that takes up for the addict. Probably the only one out there [00:28:00] that says, "No, be nicer to this..." I get it. I can have empathy for that,
Dominique: Right
Amber Hollingsworth: say I don't want that chaos in my life anymore
Dominique: Yeah, it's like finding that point where you're ready to either make that break or create that boundary. And then if you're gonna move past whatever hurt you might be going through, then maybe not bringing it up in every conversation or holding something against them. I think a lot of the time people say, you know, quote, "I forgive you for..."
Dominique: whatever it might be, but then they're constantly bringing it up or maybe holding them to. And it's like, is that really forgiveness? I don't know. You might m- want to be forgiving them, right? But I think really getting to that point is different. Yes, exactly. I think that's where sometimes that resentment comes in, where it takes...
Dominique: might take a little bit longer to sort through that level of complexity than you might think
Resentment and Sibling Rivalry Story
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Amber Hollingsworth: I got... It was reminding me, I'm like, of this story I heard recently. So when I'm not working,
Dominique: हँ
Amber Hollingsworth: either listening to true crime or sometimes I listen to like, this is sort of embarrassing, but like crazy Reddit [00:29:00] stories that are just like drama
Dominique: Oh, I do the same thing.
Amber Hollingsworth: weddings, you know, people, like crazy things, you know?
Amber Hollingsworth: Like, I was listening, I was waiting, my son, I was waiting to pick him up from something he was at, and I was just in the car listening to Reddit stories, and this story came up about... I don't know if you guys have heard of this, but on Reddit there's something called Am I The A-Hole?
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: subreddit.
Amber Hollingsworth: It's a whole thing, right? And so a lot of the ones are like, "Am I the A-hole?" So this story came up where, where people write in and this girl is saying, "Am I the A-hole four?" And then she describes a situation it was her and her sister, and her sister had an addiction, right? Just like what we're describing, right, when they were
Dominique: Mhm.
Amber Hollingsworth: And her mom ended up paying for the sister to go to treatment. Well, this, the one that was writing in, she was the non-addicted sister, and she was like, "I'm resentful because she wouldn't even help me pay for my college. She wouldn't even help me pay for my wedding, and she paid all this money for my sister to have treatment," right? But that wasn't the Am I The A-Hole part. That was just sort of the background.
Dominique: Right
Amber Hollingsworth: was similar [00:30:00] to like what I described what you described. And so the sister actually, the addicted sister gets sober and had been sober for several years and had landed this like really good job, like she really wanted and she was gonna be doing really well and make all this money. I feel like it was for a nonprofit or something like that,
Dominique: Угу
Amber Hollingsworth: really good job that the sister in recovery had landed. Well the other sister, the non-addicted sister, called up this person's new boss and says, "I want you to know you've hired this person who's like a heroin addict and who has these charges in their
Dominique: Oh my God
Amber Hollingsworth: you're making a mistake," and like tried to sabotage.
Amber Hollingsworth: And I was like, man, that is messed up. My vote, yes, you are the A-hole.
Dominique: Yeah.
Amber Hollingsworth: worse than that, okay? Like that is way across the line. And you could just tell that she had all this leftover resentment about it that she was not dealing with to the point that she... They, they didn't fire her, she tried to get her fired before she even the
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: which I thought, I'm [00:31:00] like, man,
Dominique: That's,
Amber Hollingsworth: your
Dominique: really tough. And
Amber Hollingsworth: in there.
Dominique: yeah, that's really tough because I think sometimes the other... I know I go through this, where the other sibling might feel like, "Well, I know better because I'm not the one that's addicted," right? "And I've seen the pain, the trouble, and the trauma that you've caused."
Dominique: So Like, Might be on a power trip where you're like, "No, this person is not, quote, 'deserving' of this level of privilege." But I think feeling that and actionizing on it or mobilizing against it and kind of going over their head, it's not only messed up, but it kind of crosses a whole other line of respecting that person's autonomy to share their story in a way that they wanna share their story.
Dominique: Because then it becomes who they are, right? It becomes a, well, they're this person who's addicted to heroin, even if it's not true anymore, right? Even if they've been in recovery for a long time or however many years. You're taking away that person's privilege to share their own story in a way that they want to.
Dominique: And it's just messed up, like, all over g- [00:32:00] doing that.
Amber Hollingsworth: the board. Like that
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: beyond the, the boundaries. That's like totally not on your side of the street is like a recovery language we use. Like that is somebody else, whether you... And you know, she was
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: "I'm protecting this company," but that was bull. Like
Dominique: You're not protecting no company. Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: because the sister was about to get a better job than she had, and she
Dominique: Yeah, and it makes you wonder is it because y- you know, it's... Again, it can be, like, a topic of like, projection, right? Am I insecure because maybe I'm not making as much money as my sister might be making, or do I not have a good enough job or whatever?
Dominique: I think sometimes when we start comparing ourselves to our siblings, especially if, you know, if it's, you know, two sisters or similar ages, I think that sibling rivalry can be more prominent in some families than others. But yeah, I definitely think that's a real example of how resentment shows up in a relationship
Amber Hollingsworth: Yeah. because I think in this girl's mind it was like, know, "I've made all the right decisions. She doesn't deserve these [00:33:00] positive things," even though she
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: she had obviously worked for that job and worked to get herself on the right track and everything.
Dominique: Absolutely.
Amber Hollingsworth: yeah,
Dominique: it's true
Amber Hollingsworth: stuff, you could end up, you know, what I mean when I say when you let it swirl around into you and start triggering things that are happening in your current life, even
Dominique: Yeah.
Amber Hollingsworth: past.
Amber Hollingsworth: You gotta deal with that
Dominique: For sure.
Letting Go of Responsibility
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Dominique: I think one of those important things that those siblings might be dealing with are even feeling responsible for their other sibling the one that's been using substances, or maybe feeling responsible for saving them. What do you think siblings can do to try to like, let go of that responsibility regardless of whether their brother or sister is in active addiction or in recovery or somewhere in between?
Amber Hollingsworth: I honestly think it's, it's, it's something that you have to almost do... It's not a one-time decision, I'm letting go of it. Usually it's a, you have to remind yourself of
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: Over and over again. It's kinda like in recovery, we talk about handing it over in the 12 steps, and you might
Dominique: Угу
Amber Hollingsworth: hand it over like 50 times a day or whatever.
Amber Hollingsworth: You're like, "Okay, you're [00:34:00] picking that up and you shouldn't." it's particularly hard when, for whatever reasons, like this is your sibling, and the parent isn't helping. Because either they either can't help, maybe the parents are dead, maybe they've cut 'em off because they're doing the tough love. Because now you feel like you're the last line, and then
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: you have this obligation to keep this person going. And then there's a frustration there because maybe everyone else has stopped helping them, and they've burned all their other bridges or whatever, right? And then you're the last one left hanging.
Amber Hollingsworth: It's really hard to let go when you're the last one
Dominique: Yeah, that's true. 'Cause I think it forces you to maybe take a step back and really think about what do you want your role to be
Amber Hollingsworth: Mm-hmm
Dominique: maybe as a sibling? I'm thinking a little bit more selfishly too about that.
Enmeshment and Autonomy in Recovery
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Dominique: Like I said, my brother and I are 10 years apart, and for a long time I've always played that mom-like role.
Dominique: Whether it was buying things for him, even before his addiction started, right? Like helping him with [00:35:00] homework picking him up from school. Those kinds of innocent little things, which are pr- I think pretty normal maybe for an older sibling to do. But they start to feel very enmeshed when you bring addiction into the story and the lines start to get blurred.
Dominique: It's like, am I being, like, a third parent, or
Amber Hollingsworth: Угу
Dominique: where do the lines get drawn when you're being a sibling versus being... acting like a mom or a dad? So I think it forces you to untangle that as you get older, too.
Amber Hollingsworth: Right. And I think asking yourself, becoming more aware of you're helping someone like that you feel resentful, the bad thing about it is they usually feel resentful towards you, too,
Dominique: Mm.
Amber Hollingsworth: ' cause they feel judged or criticized or whatever. Even if you're not judging or criticizing them, they feel that way, and they end up having resentment toward you you know, you're the one helping. And so once you realize that, and then you also sort of take into account, how is my helping them affecting my other relationships? Am I taking money from my own household and not paying my own bills to pay their [00:36:00] bills? Am I taking care of them to the point that my partner is mad and wants to leave because I'm not taking care of that relationship?
Amber Hollingsworth: You know, 'cause all of that energy and resources we're putting there, it's excessive, it's being taken from somewhere else
Dominique: Yeah, that's true. It's like that transfer of energy, right? You're taking your energy from one bucket and putting it in another that, you know, where they have their own energy, they should be using it too. I think about my relationship with my brother, and something that he said to me many months ago at this point when he first started his recovery journey is he said, "You know, I couldn't really come to you because you were kind of like a mom instead of a sister, and I wasn't sure if there were things that I could share with you or if you were gonna you know, try to fix it or if you were gonna go tell our parents or whatever it might be."
Dominique: So while I don't think he resented me, I think there was a feeling of frustration of not being able to just have that sibling relationship because we were so embedded in this parent-child sibling [00:37:00] relationship. So it's, it's, really challenging, and I think it's important, too, to listen to your other sibling, especially if they're in recovery, and see, like, how their experience while they were in active addiction like, how your relationship with them during their active addiction might have had an impact later on. Um-
Amber Hollingsworth: They perceived the relationship, right? 'Cause you, we don't realize that they may have a totally different... They see it completely different than we see it
Dominique: Absolutely. Yeah. And one of the things that he shared when it came to my parents, at least, is it's like in the moment you're appreciative of your parent doing all these things for you, especially when you're a kid, right? There's that line where it's like, "Oh, yeah, you can do my laundry. You can do this," where it's like borderline.
Dominique: It's acceptable, right? You're a young adult. Your parents are gonna do certain things for you.
Amber Hollingsworth: Mm-hmm
Dominique: But it comes to an inflection point when they continue to do those things for you when you no longer need them to, and they don't respect that autonomy of "Okay, well, you're not 17 anymore. I don't need to do A, B, and C."
Dominique: And then for the parents who I think [00:38:00] really listen to that child or to that person and understand that they're at a different point in their life, and the parent or the other sibling needs to do some of that work to understand where they are too
Amber Hollingsworth: And in recovery, and this, this gets all science-y and nerdy, but like one of the things people need to be in recovery is they need more serotonin, which has to do with feeling proud of themself. And
Dominique: Mhm.
Amber Hollingsworth: something for someone else and we're, like you said, we're doing their laundry, we're handling everything for them, we're literally not giving them the space they need to build their sense of self, to b- literally build the right brain chemicals to
Dominique: Yeah.
Amber Hollingsworth: and
Dominique: that sense of confidence, right? N-
Amber Hollingsworth: W-
Dominique: you know, letting them see that they can do this on their own. They don't need
Amber Hollingsworth: Right
Dominique: else butting in to do something that they can very well do for themselves
Amber Hollingsworth: Right, because it's think of how proud you feel when you worked really hard for something or when you built something with your own hands or when you, you know, made it or whatever. It's like we don't even realize that we're sort of taking that [00:39:00] opportunity from them sometimes because we're just automatically doing it so much we don't, we just don't even realize it
Dominique: Absolutely.
Helping vs Enabling Formula
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Dominique: I don't like using this word, but it's a very big word in the addiction recov- addiction recovery community, like this idea of enabling. And I think like the lines get crossed between enabling versus helping versus supporting.
Amber Hollingsworth: Mm-hmm
Dominique: would you define those things, and where would you put, how would you define those things, and where would you place what someone should be doing? Should they be helping? Should they be supporting? And when is it okay to, quote, "enable" versus not?
Amber Hollingsworth: Well, I have a little formula for kinda how I figure out which side something falls on. When you help someone, when you help with anything, it doesn't even matter what, you, you always leave with a good feeling, 'cause it comes from that serotonin
Dominique: Mm.
Amber Hollingsworth: when you help that's the way humans are wired.
Amber Hollingsworth: We feel good about ourselves when we help, right? If
Dominique: Right
Amber Hollingsworth: donate some money, we feel good. I tell this story, this is how, this is so dumb, it's funny, but I [00:40:00] walk in my neighborhood a lot, just for
Dominique: Угу
Amber Hollingsworth: or whatever, and I was walking and it had rained recently, and there was this little tiny worm that was trapped under this little stick.
Amber Hollingsworth: I mean, just little four-inch stick or something. I just moved the stick so the little worm could get free, and I was just so happy the rest of my
Dominique: Aw.
Amber Hollingsworth: I freed this little worm. But I tell that story because we feel good when we help,
Dominique: Absolutely
Amber Hollingsworth: so that's how you know you're helping. When you're doing something and you feel resentful after the fact or guilty, that's when you're enabling. So if you wanna know where am I at helping always kinda feels good. We'll move over to enabling, it's like we're doing something we don't really want to do,
Dominique: Mm.
Amber Hollingsworth: we have to do for whatever reasons, or if we don't, this bad thing is gonna happen or it's gonna cause a giant explosion or whatever.
Amber Hollingsworth: We feel like we're kinda held hostage to it.
Dominique: Yeah, that's true
Amber Hollingsworth: but we don't feel good about it. That's How you know you've kinda crossed over into the
Dominique: Yeah, like it's, like it's coming out of a place of maybe like obligation or feeling forced to, [00:41:00] you know, do this thing even if you don't really want to, or fear.
Amber Hollingsworth: Mm-hmm
Dominique: Yeah, that's a really, that's a really good point.
Matching Their Effort Support
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Dominique: I feel like I've been in those shoes a lot just trying to figure out like am I actually helping this person or am I hurting them or am I supporting them and like I think what supporting is an interesting term too.
Dominique: I try to think about like a building and having it on a support system between like you're not holding up the entire building but you're creating the foundation so that way the building can stand and do what it needs to do on its own. So I think, and sometimes the foundation is, you know, it's covered, it's not always visible but it's there as a support system.
Amber Hollingsworth: Mhm
Dominique: to think about that way, try to think about that with families and relationships where it's like you can be there to support someone during a difficult time or difficult stage in their life
Amber Hollingsworth: Mm-hmm
Dominique: doing every little thing for them. I think sometimes taking that step back and allowing them to do it is a form of support, right?
Dominique: It's not necessarily doing, doing it all for them
Amber Hollingsworth: and it's not even so [00:42:00] much about can I do this? Can I pay their rent? Or is that... even about how much you help or what you're doing. It's have a rule for it. It's like if they take a step, you take a step. If they take 10 steps, you can take 10 steps. They take 100 steps, you can take 100
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: if you're matching what they're doing, you're gonna feel good about it.
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: you're doing way more than they're doing, you're gonna feel bad about it.
Dominique: Yeah, that's true
Amber Hollingsworth: to how much you can or can't help. It's like you wanna kind of match their pace. They're helping themselves. You know, maybe they're saving up for, you know, apartment and they need some help paying their deposit.
Amber Hollingsworth: You can do that. And you'll know you're not enabling 'cause you'll feel good about it 'cause they're helping
Dominique: Right
Amber Hollingsworth: helping. That's how you s- keep yourself in the right sort of stream of that.
Dominique: Yeah, that's, that's a really good point. I didn't really think about that.
Parents Navigating Sibling Conflict
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Dominique: And for parents who might be listening, they might be wondering, "Okay, like, how do I help my child if one of them is struggling with addiction and the other one is not? How do I support both of [00:43:00] them during those difficult challenges?
Dominique: And if there's a strained relationship between those siblings, what kind of role can I have?"
Amber Hollingsworth: Yeah
Dominique: I wanna talk a little bit about what kind of role parents should have when they're in the midst of all this and their siblings are, their children are navigating their sibling relationship.
Amber Hollingsworth: Well, I think there's a couple of perspectives. One is sort of what you and I were talking about earlier. If you've got one child that's really struggling and you've got a other child or children that are not your other kids may not be asking for anything from you. They may seem like they're totally fine, but y- you need to stop and check in on them, right?
Dominique: Угу
Amber Hollingsworth: they're not gonna bring it to you because they feel like you're completely overwhelmed already, so they don't bring you their, know, struggles or problems or concerns. You're gonna have to sort of actively keep them on the radar, right? And I know it's hard when you have one in crisis.
Amber Hollingsworth: It's like, can somebody just be, you know, fine? But it's not even so much like you have to fix anything for them, but just being aware
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: what's going on with them, even just sort of [00:44:00] emotionally. Maybe they just went through a breakup or something, you know, like,
Dominique: Yeah.
Dominique: Yeah, I think that's so true. Like, sometimes it's just, like, asking them about them. Kind of what I was saying with my mom, sometimes I don't always realize it in the moment, but sometimes I wanna be asked about things. Not that I'm necessarily hiding anything, but I'm not maybe volunteering information.
Dominique: So I think showing your kids, whether they're adults or adolescents, showing them, like, that you're naturally curious about what's going on in their lives without them having to just volunteer first, I think is a, is a good step. And maybe even asking them what, you know, in your own words, like, "What can I do to support you and your sibling?"
Dominique: Or, you know, "Is there anything you wanna talk about?" Kind of like opening the floor to them rather than always kind of going in with this, with whatever dynamic you usually have between them
Amber Hollingsworth: Right. And, and you brought up something earlier that was important. Don't make every conversation about the one that's struggling.
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: literally choose not to tell the sibling everything that's happening on purpose, right? Because it's like in some ways, you're, you're looking out for them by not bringing the drama to them all the time, right? [00:45:00] And it doesn't even have to be this big "What's going on with you?" 'Cause that can feel like a little too much. "
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: what happened with blah blah blah the other day?" You're gonna do. You're just interested and curious about what's going on, and it's hard because you're managing crisis a lot, but remembering to do that. then the other part of your question was what do you do as the parent between the two siblings? Let's say you've got one kid that's struggling, and the other kid's mad at that kid or whatever. a question I get a lot, because a lot of my content, it really is about being nicer
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: actually works better.
Amber Hollingsworth: So the
Dominique: Right
Amber Hollingsworth: be, like, listening to my content, and they'll be on board with that. And they'll be like, "But, you know, their brother is so mad at them, and they can't forgive them or whatever, and they're constantly, you know, saying negative things to them. How do I get them to stop?" And that's usually the question that I get, and I say, "You don't." Because part of what that sibling is feeling is the frustration
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: of the dynamic in the family, and if you go in and you tell that one "Hey, you [00:46:00] need to forgive your brother," or, "You need to stop saying these things," it's really just gonna make it worse, 'cause you're gonna be hitting on that sore spot with that person, and it, it's not gonna go well.
Amber Hollingsworth: And even though you may feel like, well, they're doing or saying some things and, you know, that might trigger the person or whatever, sibling being mad at them is the natural consequence of their behavior,
Dominique: Mm.
Amber Hollingsworth: So if their sibling's upset with them, there's probably a reason, right? And you may not be agreeing with how they're dealing with that.
Amber Hollingsworth: But, for you to run interference and try to make everybody dance and act a certain way around this person with the addiction, that's enabling, really
Dominique: Yeah, it's like you said, like covering up the consequence that the other child should feel, right? They should feel the consequences of their action even if it extends into their recovery process.
Amber Hollingsworth: yeah. Your, maybe your kid, it's not that they're mad, maybe they're wanting to help. You've cut them off because you know
Dominique: Угу
Amber Hollingsworth: and you're, you're trying not to you know, pay everything for them. But now your other kid has stepped in and d- did [00:47:00] that, right? And, and maybe you feel like they shouldn't be doing that.
Amber Hollingsworth: That's also something you shouldn't try to control
Dominique: Yeah, that's true. Every relationship is gonna be very unique, and I think there's gonna be, like, a new set of challenges in each of those relationships, and each sibling or person within that family is gonna have to navigate it in a way that works for them and their individualized relationships.
Dominique: 'Cause I feel when you try to do- tell the other s- child or the other person how they should work through that relationship, again, it's kind of our own form of control because we're worried about what will happen if this, you know, if this conversation takes place or if this boundary is put in. I think it comes from a place of fear sometimes too instead of just letting the cards play out
Amber Hollingsworth: Right, it's like the walking on eggshells kind of
Dominique: Exactly. Exactly
Amber Hollingsworth: as a parent, all the years and the time it took you to get where you are, you gotta give other people time to catch up, right?
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: through all their stages and phases too, right? And you can't rush people because it, it just makes it worse when [00:48:00] you do that
Dominique: Right. And there's no, there's no recovery manual. If there was, we wouldn't be having these conversations, right? It's really up to each person to figure out the journey that works for them, and it's not black or white. So I think that's a great point.
Choosing Your Role and Limits
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Dominique: Two last questions that I wanna leave our listeners with is, one, how does someone figure out what their role should be during this addiction or recovery process?
Dominique: And are there any topics or videos that siblings should listen to on your channel if they wanna know more?
Amber Hollingsworth: I don't know that I have an answer for what role you should have. I think you should ask yourself where you're comfortable. how much can you help or be supportive or be involved or even just be in the know about it without bringing yourself to a bad place? That's where you should be. If it's none, I don't wanna hear anything about it, that's where it is. If it's, well, okay, I, I can be involved this much, I can talk, I can check in about it once a month, but that's it, that's where you should be, right? You
Dominique: Угу
Amber Hollingsworth: because when you're doing more than you want, you go back to that [00:49:00] resentment place and it comes out in negative ways inside of you. So you have to decide where you're comfortable in that.
Dominique: Well, one, on that point I think it's a very important point to make because a lot of the times you need to make your own conclusions around the type of role or type of relationship you wanna have with your sibling, especially in the addiction and recovery space. There's so many people, you know, putting up different signs on what you should do, what you shouldn't do, this person says that, their experience was like this, this family member said that.
Dominique: And I think when there's a lot of different external factors telling you what to do, it's harder to make a decision that feels more authentic to you. So I think taking the information and then you deciding what you wanna do with it,
Amber Hollingsworth: Right. And if you do decide that you're trying to help maybe your lo- maybe your sibling's in denial or needs help and won't get help, you should jump on over to my channel 'cause that's what I teach people to do, is how do you get through to someone in denial? How do you help someone change? But I only want you to do that if you're comfortable going [00:50:00] into that place, right? I don't
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: I don't want you to push yourself past... the things I teach on that channel, most of my viewers are parents or partners, and when you're in a parent or partner situation, you don't have a lot of other options, and it is hard freaking work.
Amber Hollingsworth: And I don't even know that I would tell you if you're the sibling and you don't have to do this, I don't even know that I would tell you
Dominique: Yeah.
Amber Hollingsworth: it. I'd just say, "If you wanna do it, this is how to do it."
Dominique: Yeah, it's having the option.
Amber Hollingsworth: It's having the option,
Dominique: So then with that being said, are there any specific topics or videos that you would recommend siblings who do wanna do some of that work getting involved in and watching? And I'd be happy to link those in the show notes too
Amber Hollingsworth: Yeah.
Boundaries Rules for Yourself
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Amber Hollingsworth: on my channel there's like a whole playlist about boundaries, and I think that's a good place to start because that's how you're gonna keep yourself in a healthy is having... And, and boundaries is complicated, so you kinda need to start at the beginning with that. It's rules for yourself, not rules for someone else, not
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Amber Hollingsworth: someone else can and can't do. [00:51:00] It's like for example, like your sibling's alcoholic and
Dominique: Mm-hmm
Amber Hollingsworth: call you, they get drunk, and then they call you every night and then they just ramble on drunk talk for three hours, and you don't wanna deal with that anymore. You don't say, "Hey, don't call me after 5:00." That's a rule
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: not gonna remember that you said and they're not gonna follow it.
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: You tell yourself, "I'm not gonna answer the phone after 5:00
Dominique: You make that decision
Amber Hollingsworth: You don't even need to tell them that. Like
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: are rules you set for yourself to keep yourself emotionally healthy, right? So really wrapping your head around what boundaries are and what they aren't 'cause most people really don't have that down.
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: most people are calling boundaries is really trying to control or punish or force or like most people really don't have a good
Dominique: Yeah. Yeah, I always say that boundaries are not ultimatums. I thought for a long time that's what they were, that they were these fences that I put around other people to keep myself at a safe distance, but they were really fences that I really put around [00:52:00] myself to control what I would or wouldn't do rather than expecting other people to make a change.
Dominique: I think, and those boundaries are gonna look differently for everybody. I think in the context of like, the example that you just gave, maybe if you know your sibling calls you and they speak for hours every single night after they get drunk, then maybe it's not answering or it's answering but limiting that phone call for, to 10 minutes or whatever it is, or, you know, you're only gonna answer on certain days of the week, whatever it might be.
Dominique: I think people need to experiment, too, with those boundaries and figure out whatever it looks like for them or their family.
Amber Hollingsworth: Right. It doesn't have to be any certain thing. It's where you're comfortable. And you
Dominique: Absolutely
Amber Hollingsworth: have to communicate to the other person, 'cause a lot of times it's just gonna start a fight. It's
Dominique: Yeah
Amber Hollingsworth: need to know yourself,
Dominique: Yeah.
Amber Hollingsworth: yeah.
Dominique: The plan that you're gonna make
Amber Hollingsworth: Exactly. Yeah
Closing Thanks and Resources
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Dominique: So with that being said, Amber, I really wanna thank you for coming onto the show and being vulnerable, sharing your experience with your sister, the role that that had on you, and the impact that it had but [00:53:00] also, like, giving such helpful advice to siblings who might be in a similar boat, regardless of where their journey might take them.
Dominique: So thank you
Amber Hollingsworth: Thank you for having me. I don't get opportunity to share that that much. I appreciate it.
Dominique: Thanks for listening to this episode of For Love of Recovery. If you enjoyed this episode or know somebody who might, please leave a comment and share it. You can also join our Facebook group, siblings for Love of Recovery. If you're looking to have deeper conversations around your siblings drug or alcohol addiction. And remember whether there's hope, there's healing.