When “helping” hurts: It’s time to set boundaries
About the Episode
Recognizing when helping is actually doing more harm than good can be confusing when a loved one is misusing drugs or alcohol. Sibling relationships can be even more complicated depending on age differences and whether there’s a natural desire to support one another.
This episode dives into what those raw and complex emotions look like for one sister, Gillian. She opens up about her journey with a younger sister battling alcohol dependence, how their childhood dynamic evolved into adulthood, the challenges and power of setting boundaries, and ultimately, how she found a way to support her sister while prioritizing her own well-being.
Guest: Gillian, educator, Nar-Anon member and sibling
This episode will help you:
Understand the shift in how a sibling relationship can change with drug or alcohol dependence
Build boundaries to set healthy limits to support your loved one without enabling
Protect your peace with practical strategies for showing up for your sibling in a healthy way
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Gillian: The first step was not allowing my sister to yell at me and rant and rave and blame me for things that were out of my control. That was what upset me the most. I remember my therapist would be like, why do you have to take this? Why do you have to listen?
Dominique: Welcome to FLOR, For Love of Recovery, where I'm your host, Dominique Dajer. During each episode, I'll be joined by people who share their personal stories as it relates to their sibling substance use and how it has affected their family. Or by professionals and advocates who can share their unique perspectives from a mental health, community advocacy, or cultural lens.
Roles of siblings can be confusing, messy, and just one big gray area. They can be filled with what families expect of us, letting things slide, or putting other people first. But the role of a sibling will usually vary from person to person. Today I'm joined by Gillian, a peer of mine and a fellow Nar Anon member, who'll be reflecting on her childhood experiences growing up with addiction in her family. We'll dive into what her relationship with her sister looked like when they were kids, how it evolved as her younger sister started using substances and struggled with her alcoholism, and how Gillian shows up for her sister today.
Gillian, thanks so much for being on the show. I'd love for you to take a minute to introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about your family and what it was like during the early years of your childhood.
Gillian: I am 53 years old and I am the oldest sister in my family. I have one younger sister. She's eight years younger than me. And, growing up in my house, you know, it was very difficult. It was either a lot of fighting or silence. And, the fighting would be between my parents and, our parents would then pass it on to us, you know, not talking to us.
I learned now as an adult who's been in therapy for about 7, 000 years that, withholding, you know, like not speaking is a form of emotional abuse. And I dealt with a lot of that.
Gillian: With my sister, she was a handful and I was, I had more of the role of a caretaker because I was eight years older than her. So from the very beginning, I would babysit her and take her places.
And the ironic thing is my dad was a social worker. And it was the worst communication. Passive aggressive. My mom was a nurse.
They're both, you know, professional. Doesn't matter. It was really difficult.
Dominique: Yeah, it's interesting because you hear a lot about how like your parents might heavily influence the relationships that you have with, you know, your family and other people. And especially if your dad's a social worker and your mom's a nurse. You would hope and think that some of those care taking skills that they have in the workplace come through in you know, your household. And You mentioned a little bit in the beginning about some of that silence that was ongoing. And I would love for you to talk a little bit more about how that affected you and your sister at the moment. And what that dynamic was like between you two.
Gillian: It affected me by… I thought it was my fault. I thought whatever was happening was my fault. I mean, I knew my parents' marriage, their struggles weren't my fault, but the part of it that was happening where they were fighting and not speaking to me, I thought it was my fault.
I internalized everything. I always felt I was never good enough because, well, they're not speaking to me. So I must be doing something wrong. For my sister, she was 10 when they. my parents split up. I was 18 and I don't know how it affected her, but I know that she learned to use it as a tool as well.
And she would use it against me when I didn't do something she wanted or she wasn't happy. With something I said, she would not talk to me and shut me out and that made me nuts. It made me so upset and so upset, so hurt. I couldn't handle it. I did just about anything to get her to talk to me. And she knew she, you know, she was a kid, but she learned.
That's what you do, you know, to lash out. That's what she learned. So I guess I do have the answer. She learned that as a tool to lash out.
Dominique: Yes. How did your parents help you navigate that with your sister and just, you know, did they show up for you and or your sister, when there was some of that lashing out going on?
Gillian: They didn't, they were so wrapped up in their own troubled marriage that they didn't really try to navigate our relationship or help our relationship. I mean, it could have been a lot worse between my sister and I. It wasn't bad, you know, growing up, we were each other's kind of life rafts in a way.
But they didn't help us at all. I don't think they could, they weren't capable. I probably crawled out of the womb looking for a therapist's office. I use humor a lot, self effacing humor mostly to deal with all the issues life throws at you.
Dominique: So, you had mentioned that your parents weren't capable, they couldn't really help you as much as it sounded like they would have wanted to. What did that mean? Like, weren't capable of doing that?
Gillian: Well, my mother, she was born during World War Two. And so she was raised in England, post World War Two, where they had nothing. And her father died when she was very young, like 10. And her mother suffered from deep depression. She pretty much likes to say she raised herself.
She wasn't really given any tools on how to deal with it. growing up during that time, she remembers her house being bombed. She remembers those little ration books where you were allowed one chicken, two eggs, whatever, you know, uh, one orange a week.
For Christmas, they would just get a stocking. They would get like an orange in the stocking. That was Christmas. So she had enough to deal with growing up. Forget the emotional stuff. It was survival. But she did survive.
What was wonderful about my mom was that later on in life, when I really got into therapy and I learned how to talk to her and try to guide her, on topics of when I was a kid and, little bit of my sister and my parents marriage, she was very open to it.
And my father. Oh, my father. He's still alive. We've reconciled. We didn't speak for about five years because he's a bit of a narcissist. I know that's a term thrown around, but, for real, my therapist has really said, yeah, he's a narcissist. And, very difficult. very manipulative.
He manipulated my mother. It was his way or the highway. He had his own addictions. He was addicted to pornography, and he couldn't help me navigate anything. The greatest gift he ever gave me was when one year, maybe 10 years ago, Father's Day, we went out for lunch, and I told him how his addiction had And my childhood had really messed with me, to put that lightly.
And he acknowledged it. He said, boy, I really fuck things up. And that was one of the greatest gifts he's ever given me. The validation of his role.
Dominique: When a parent or an adult can take accountability for, um, Their actions whether positive or negative even if sometimes that apology or that recognition comes late I think it's much appreciated and it sounds like for you it created some kind of relief. Like ah, okay, like you do see what was going on.
I wasn't totally just making it up.
Gillian: He didn't remember when I told him all the things that he did, his actions being an addict of, pornography really affects me emotionally and affects me in my relationships with men.
He didn't remember all the things he did. He just believed me. That was it. He believed me. That was all I needed. And then we didn't talk for five years.
But I think we're past that now. And if I wanted to talk about the past, I think he probably could. But I don't know if I want to. You know, at this point I'm 53. I don't know.
Dominique: Yeah, I totally hear you It seemed like they were really in survival mode themselves like your mom, you know knowing her history growing up as an elder sibling taking care of her family the best that she could given her personal resources And how that translated to your family and her relationship probably with your dad and your sister It just seemed like they were doing the best they can with what they had And that was their version of being as capable as possible in that moment.
Gillian: It's empowering to be able to acknowledge that and to be able to say they did the best they could, you know, both of my parents and it wasn't very good, but I survived. I took my mental health into my own hands.
Dominique: Yeah. And you mentioned you're about eight years older than your sister. I'm 10 years older than my brother. So I totally get trying to be a little bit like that third parent and wanting to protect and maintain a relationship and, you know, make sure everyone is okay.
How did you learn to show up for your sister or help her through childhood and adolescence and all that?
Gillian: Well, you know, I'm a teacher and I love children and I think it's what I'm best at is being kind of a caretaker or, you know, being with children. And so doing that with her, taking care of her, playing with her, being there for her was easy,
But then it became harder because I was a teenager, had my own friends. I didn't want her around. And, as I got older, like an adult, and then my sister became an adult, it became more of an enabling situation. When her addictions really kind of kicked in, that kind of changed, in her twenties, I would say it's when the anger turned, she became angry when she didn't get what she wanted.
My mother was the major enabler, but showing up for her just kind of, you know what it looked like? It looked like doing what my mother said. That's I did
Dominique: You mentioned your sister started using, in her 20s or so. What was that turning point? Like, when, what did you notice when she started using? And do you know what spiraled that to occur?
Gillian: I don't know when she started drinking. What it looked like to me, as you know, well, not my family, my family doesn't have a problem. We don't have an alcoholic in the family, you know?
Well, yeah, you do. And I remember the line in the sand when I realized, but to me, it just looked like she liked to have a good time. But the pill addiction started to spiral I think in her 30s. When she worked in the hospital and she got a lot of access she was prescribed, Xanax and that kind of stuff.
Being there for her was just really for the most part, doing what my mother asked me to do and what she told, and what my sister told me I should say I asked, told me to do what they both told me to do. I was the good girl.
I did whatever anybody told me to do.
Dominique: So what were some of those things that your mom had asked you or told you to do?
Gillian: Just a small example. It was my birthday and I was no closer to being married and having children, which is what I so desperately wanted. And I was really upset and my mom knew it. I couldn't really talk to her about my dating life because she was very judgmental. So I kind of cut that conversation off with her.
But you know, she kind of. made the day about me, my birthday. You know, I spent it with her, but somehow my sister's needs were also there. Oh, well, let's just take your sister here. And we're going to take your sister there. And I was like, Oh, my God. I'm standing here crying, like very hurt and somehow still everything is about her.
You know, that's how I felt. It was my mom. My mom had wanted us to take her to the DMV to get mine because otherwise I don't know if my sister would have done it in a timely fashion. and I was like, Oh, we have to do this on my birthday. Like who wants to go to the DMV on their birthday? You know, it's just, yeah. Just very symbolic of my mother always trying to fix things, always trying to well, let's get this done and it'll be okay. Let's do this for her. Let's get her car. Let's do this. You know, and I got caught in the middle
Dominique: Right.
Gillian: You know, when my sister got married. Oh my God. That was a nightmare.
It was a nightmare. Not even because of my sister, but because of my mother, my mother was so controlling. And just had to have everything just so it was, what do they call it? Not, it was mom's ill. It wasn't bridezilla. My sister was great. And it was like just an amplified version of my mom, just trying to control and regulate my sister.
I don't know if regulate is the right word, but trying to make sure her ducks were in a row. Because she really, she, she knew on some, at some level, I didn't realize. Until my mother was dying, which was five years ago, I did not realize my sister was an alcoholic. Until my therapist kind of gently suggested it to me.
Everything kind of came crashing down during that time period for me. And when she said that, you know, or when I realized that my sister not only was an alcoholic, but suffered from mental health issues, Like, you know, it's just like you're putting on glasses and you're looking at history, like “Oohhh that's why she's drunk at every family function.”
And then my sister had my nephew, 12 years ago. We were all so happy and my sister did great. we all wanted to be there. My mother had been dying for a grandchild pretty, I'm pretty sure since she was born.
So she was so happy beside myself. She knew she wasn't going to get one from me. And so she was getting her beloved grandchild. So she was over the moon. And I remember. And this is a story I think that you've heard me tell. I was in the ER. I had gotten severe food poisoning from clams. And I had to go to the hospital.
I stayed there two nights. I was waiting to be discharged. And my mother's calling me on my phone telling me, “You have to go to meet my nephew at the bus. Nobody can get a hold of my sister. She shut her phone off.” There was some kind of communication problem where I had to be the one.
You know, my brother in law was working in New Jersey. I'm in the hospital, and I'm the one picking up my sister's son because she shut her phone off. You have a child, you can't really do that. But here's my memory of that. I'm being discharged. I've been in bed for two days.
On I.V. fluids, I had to run down the hall, run to my car to make the bus to meet my nephew. And I was like, what the fuck? Why? Why? Why am I doing this? I mean, happy to do it, but not so, you know? So those kinds of things being there for my sister, you know, kind of, she's called me a third parent. In many ways.
And that's a wonderful strength of hers is that she acknowledges what a wonderful father her husband is. And she acknowledges my important role in my nephew's life. And that's amazing. That's a gift and I really appreciate that from her. She tries her best, so that's how my role looks like now showing up for my sister.
Dominique: Yeah, there's a lot going on there. It sounds like, you know, while you were in the hospital and at other points in your life too, it's like your, your needs at that moment weren't seen because your sister and her experiences just demanded so much of that attention that your parents couldn't show up for you when they needed to because your sister needed just more attention more help and sounds like a lot of the times that person was you who was able to come and Support her in whatever shape or form it might have been And in my experience, I found sometimes it's hard to distinguish between when I'm helping versus when I'm enabling.
And different sources might distinguish it in different ways. But generally it's considered a pattern of behavior that protects others from experiencing the full impact or consequences of their behavior. And while the enabler's intention is generally well intended, it continues to contribute to their loved ones addiction or substance use. so
When have you personally found that doing that helping has actually caused more harm than good?
Gillian: My sister would always get me to drive to weddings or to events and so she could drink and get drunk and then, perhaps lash out at me, which she has.
That was a big thing for me. Like, it was really hard for me to say no, not to drive her places. It was just like, Oh, well, she, you, you drive her, that's it. So she could have a drink. It's like, you know what? And that's what I had a big problem with, but I still did it. I still drove her. I still, I still ran to that bus.
You know, to pick up my nephew, because I think a lot more of it because my mom, my mom was very controlling. ~And if you crossed her, you don't I have to just blow my nose.~
Dominique: Yeah, right. Right.
Gillian: So it was more, it was a combo of not wanting to disappoint my mother. And not want to receive my sister's wrath. Because she could really lash out and blame you for things. She was just a master of blaming things and she still does it.
She just doesn't do it to me anymore because I've stopped it.
Dominique: So it becomes like a defense mechanism almost like just going along with what your parents or the enabler might be doing or saying and then you find maybe you're becoming the enabler because You just want to keep the peace a little right? You don't want there to be retaliation against you or someone else and It just continues to spiral while you're in the middle of it all.
One thousand billion jillion percent. Well said, yes. Just try to keep the peace.
Yeah. Trying to be you know, I think…Yes. I think, you know, for my mom, once my nephew was born, it was all about him and trying to make life good for him. But what was wonderful about my mother also is that my mother realized and trusted my role as an educator and trusted my advice and what I had to say about, You should do this.
Gillian: You shouldn't do this. Even though she's a mother and I'm not, she listened to me. And, you know, in terms of my nephew, not in terms of my sister, but in terms of my nephew, she listened to me.
It was, it was an interesting place to be, but somehow I've landed.
Dominique: It's interesting because even like that mother daughter relationship can be so unique and you find yourself bonding with a parent and you realize that sometimes, maybe it might look like you're almost a parent where that person is coming to you for support or advice it's like, when do you put your hands up and you're like, wait, when did I become the expert in so and so field?
And it's hard to acknowledge that role, but once you do realize it, that awareness can become like that first step in changing a little bit of that behavior.
Gillian: With my sister. She's a know-it-all and she is the one who gives the advice and tells you what to do. And she did not look for my advice at all. And even in terms of education now, did I enforce it sometimes? Oh yeah, I did. My nephew is autistic. And, When he was diagnosed, I really forced the issue of where he should go in terms of educational placement.
And thank God they listened to me and thank God I was right. but a little different there. She didn't really ever come to me. she was the one who gave the advice and she still tries to, and it's just like, yeah,
Dominique: One of the things we often hear is not to do things for people, but to be things. What does that mean for your relationship with your nephew? And what do you hope to be for him?
Gillian: As I said before, I always wanted to be married and have Children of my own. Well, I'm not going to have Children of my own and it's okay. I'm a teacher. I got some maternal instincts out in the classroom, but also if I had my own children, I wouldn't be able to be there as much for my nephew monetarily and emotionally for my nephew as I am currently.
And again, what's wonderful about my sister is that she allows it. She's not too proud. She allows me to. buy things for him, take him places, you know, that's what it looks like. I bought a two bedroom apartment so that he could sleep over here. And so I could have him come over for dinner once a week, have him sleep over here during the summer during the school year so that my sister and brother in law can have a respite, and he can have some time.
With me, that's how I show up for my sister. Now, sometimes she might ask me for a little money, not often. They don't have a lot of money. Sometimes I'll buy them food, not often because they're proud. But I'm happy to do that, but more so being there for my nephew, looking out for his needs.
So that's how I show up for her now. And I know she appreciates it. and I know my brother in law appreciates it, but I've worked hard on those relationships by not telling them what to do, but like it's the only approach, you know?
Our relationship has evolved. In a good way. It's never been better.
Dominique: That's great to hear. So it sounds like you've been a constant figure for both your sister, your nephew, and just generally your family. Has there ever been a point where you've resigned from this role of being a helper and what did that look like?
Gillian: Well, I always used to say I'd like to move to New Zealand. I picked a place very far away. Yeah. When things were really bad, I just wanted to get out of here and get away so that I would no longer have to be the caretaker, but I wouldn't do that because I wound up caring for my mom as she was dying that last year of her life.
I looked into moving to Scotland because it's such a beautiful place. And, I even got a teaching license for Scotland., but I just didn't follow through because I knew I had to be here for my family.
So it was more of a fantasy, But through therapy, I've been able to draw boundaries.
And that's my own kind of escape in a way. I'm not running to the bus stop. anymore. But I'm not the person that she calls for those kinds of situations because they're not happening at the moment, but they were still happening.
And I'm not the first person she calls. And that's good.
Yes. It's a big change.
Dominique: What have some of those boundaries looked like while you were building them? Was there a trial and error phase? Do you feel like when you found the right boundary, you were able to stick to it and what was your family's reaction when you started building some of those boundaries?
Gillian: Well, it's funny. My mother had to be dead for me to start with these boundaries, unfortunately. so that's one of them death, it would have been a lot harder if my mom was alive a lot harder. The first step was not allowing my sister to yell at me and rant and rave and blame me for things that were out of my control. That was what upset me the most. I remember my therapist would be like, why do you have to take this? Why do you have to listen? You know?
Somehow it stopped. She got the message. When she tries to tell me something, she'll say, okay, now I just want you to listen. I don't want you to say anything like a conversation can be controlled, you know? And I stop it right there. I say, no, that's not how conversations go.
Just tell me what you want to say. And I'm starting it right at the beginning of the conversation saying you're not going to dominate and you're not going to tell me what to do. And it works. It works. She doesn't do this to me anymore. And, like I just said before, our relationship is amazing. The best it's ever been.
It really is. And boundaries really work. They work with children. I can testify that to that as a teacher, they want boundaries, children. and it does nothing but set them up for success in life. when you have boundaries, you know, because you're able to navigate the world a little bit better.
Because my sister is not yelling at me and blaming me for stuff. as upset. I'm not angry. And also I think coming to our meetings, I realize I have no control over what's going on in that house. No control. And so I have to stop worrying about it. And boy, was that freeing.
Also, that was so freeing. But by making those boundaries, you know, Like if I could walk around with a sign, like, you know, with an airplane banner, draw boundaries, everybody drawn boundaries, I totally would because, my relationship with my sister and my brother in law is fantastic. And also tried the way I present things, suggestions as well.
Gillian: And you know, try to be positive and praising and It works. It really it really works
Dominique: It's amazing when you hear the difference in setting those boundaries and what those changes look like. Sometimes it's night and day. Sometimes it's a slow process.
You talked about the evolution of your relationship with your sister over the years. What would you like your relationship with your sister to look like in the future?
Gillian: I think it's pretty great right now, and I would like it to continue this way. I don't have these expectations that she's gonna be my best friend. I would just like her to continue to be sober and to be stable for her family.
You know, I feel for her, this disease of addiction. I'm just going to continue what I'm doing, which is to be there for my nephew, to be there for them but I like our relationship right now and I would like it to continue like this.
How about you? How about for you and your brother?
Dominique: It's challenging because my brother's age difference, he's 19. So it is very much a trial and error right now. I've begun to build some of those boundaries as well.
And for me, it's been kind of like a science project and figuring out what I feel safe doing, what's working for me and how I want to show up as a supportive sister and really understanding what the role of the sibling is.
Given everything that you've gone through with your family, how would you personally define the role of a sibling?
Gillian: Ay yi
Dominique: I know it can be a loaded question.
Gillian: Role of a sibling. I think it depends on each individual because, you know, you could say, Oh, the role of a sibling is to be there for your sibling. What does that mean? I think it's individualized. If I just use that word. I think the role of a sibling is to make it your own path.
I think I like that phrase from the Blue Book, to be things and not do things, maybe. Is that, is that, did I just get it right?
Dominique: Instead of doing things for others, be things for them.
Gillian: Be things. Yeah, I think I like that. To be things, not to do things. I mean, Sometimes you gotta do things, but for the most to be things for your sibling, I think that's the best way to be a sibling. My sister has shown up for me for sure in several very important ways that I will not forget.
And the fact that she can acknowledge her shortcomings, is showing up.
Dominique: Being a sibling is a complicated role. Being a parent, sometimes that role and responsibility might sound pretty straightforward, it's like, oh, you have to bathe, protect, feed, and house your child. Some of the basic necessities, but there's so much more that goes into parenthood, being a a dad, and that gray area is like what that sibling is supposed to be.
A lot of the times you hear siblings have phenomenal relationships, whether they're brothers and sisters. Or sometimes, horrible relationships, or somewhere in between, and I think what I really love about what you had said is that, that relationship is going to be so different, so defining that role of a sibling is really going to vary on a case to case basis, or family to family basis, right?
Gillian: I want to say how very proud of my sister I am and how she doesn't give up. She acknowledges her addiction now. And she's really trying to work on her mental health issues, which is really difficult. I am just really proud of her. I'm proud of her. I think, you know, that's how she's going to be there for everyone in her life. And, um, and, and that's it.
Dominique: During this journey, what have been some of the bigger inspirations of hope for you?
Gillian: When my nephew was born, that was life changing. Being a parent is the toughest job in the world. I think that's been inspirational seeing my sister as a parent, seeing my brother in law as a parent, that gives me hope and makes me happy. And therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy, and sticking with it and going to meetings and, and being with people that validate you and your experiences and not negate them.
Surrounding yourselves with healthy relationships, healthy people, and boundaries. I'm not sure if I mentioned boundaries, but boundaries.
Dominique: We'll title the name of the episode boundaries as explained so we talked a bunch about your experiences with your sister, your family from childhood, you know, To adulthood up until present day, I'd love for you to close out with what you believe parents should know about raising children in a home where there's substance use, and what the impact in adulthood could be if there's no early intervention.
Gillian: I think drawing boundaries early, making it clear that substances are not welcome in the home. you know, We all used to think, Oh, pot. It's like nothing.. Oh, you know, they're sitting in their friend's basement.
Oh, that's fine. They're having a drink, but to be ever vigilant and to not be in denial. I've said it, it is the toughest job in the world. And then you gotta add that on top of it, but it's so, so important. I had a friend once who I think her son was about your brother's age and he was drinking too much. I think he was smoking pot. I'm not sure what else he was smoking or doing. And she threw him out. She threw him out and he had to make changes and she didn't let him back in until he made changes. And I was just blown away with how she did that because it's so difficult because as a parent, your role is a caretaker. you know, make them their favorite meal and keep them home tonight, then everything will be okay.
Or if I make sure that they're breathing, you know, like we've heard people, parents say, you know, everything will be okay. It's not. And not to be afraid to branch out. for mental help. I think the second you find out you're pregnant, I think you should head to a therapist office, head to some kind of support group, you know, and get support because it's so difficult.
And you, you need support for yourself, not just, you know, to learn how to navigate those kinds of waters because nobody thinks their child's an alcoholic. Nobody thinks their child's an addict. And you know, you just want to turn your head and like, and not see it. But if you do that, you're doing your child and all your other children, a tremendous disservice by not teaching them that this is going to fuck up Up their life because it will.
I mean, you know, there's like experimenting with alcohol in college and then there's straight up addiction. That's really hard to navigate, but I think for parents just to get that support being some kind of like, I don't know, parent group, I don't know, you know, parent of like college kids group.
I don't know where you learn how to navigate what is acceptable. What is unacceptable? I'm not saying you're not going to be able to control the addiction. Cause they just might, no matter what they do, it might happen anyway. By my mom ignoring the addiction, it just made life a lot more difficult for my sister after she died. And no one was there to pick up the pieces anymore. And then my sister fell apart, unfortunately, and it's hard for the other children who just kind of watch and don't get recognized as much. I mean, recognize that's the wrong word. Well, maybe it's the right word, but it's draining. It's draining. Addiction is draining for everyone.
Dominique: It's the importance of being seen as a person apart from just being a child or a sibling. you just want to be seen for who you are. And I think that sometimes gets lost in the shuffle when there's So much other chaos going on in a family, because of someone's mental health challenges, substance use, or whatever else it might be.
Other forms of addiction manifest in other ways and there's a lot of baggage that comes with that sometimes.
Gillian: What I am learning in therapy, and I continue to learn, is that addiction is usually coping with other kinds of issues, you know, perhaps trying to cope with mental health issues, or just not dealing with your anxiety, your social anxiety, or whatever it is.
I would say for parents, look out for all of this stuff, and try not to be afraid of mental health,
Dominique: Right now there's a huge shift in the language that we use from talking about addiction and alcoholism just because it is a substance use disorder. And when you can understand and accept what a substance use disorder is You really get to see how it becomes a coping mechanism.
And I think a lot of people have this misconception that You can just stop. And while some people might be able to, it's really not a common thing. And there's so much that goes into treatment the same way you would treat diabetes or cancer. There are other ways to treat substance use disorders.
Dominique: One thing that we haven't really touched on is, you've been going to Nar-Anon family groups. And what has that experience done for you? And how did you get to the point where you decided you wanted to start going to some of those meetings?
Well, it's the validation. Just remember one of the first meetings I went to where they talked about like the chaos in the home, like it just hit me in the chest, like, “Oh my God.” Yes. These people get it. They know it because, and I never really put a title on it or a label, I should say, of chaos in the home, just fucking chaos all the time. And it was exhausting, you know, so that validation of you're not alone. You're not the only person who thought that it didn't realize that there was a substance abuse problem and that, you know, you suffered the consequences of it. I had been to, an Al Anon meeting and it wasn't for me, there was too much language that I didn't really understand, language that I understand more now, I think, but there was way too much language, like qualifier and all this other stuff, and and they told me I had to read a book before I go to a meeting. I just, I can't. Do any more work. But then, I have some good friends And they go to meetings and they've been sober a long time. I was complaining, you know, not complaining really, but just talking about my sister and how, and her struggles and my one very good friend said, you should come to this Nar Anon meeting. Tonight I'm speaking and my other friend said, “I'll go with you.” And to me, what a gift to say, just I'll go with you. I don't know any of these people. It's not my problem, but I'm going to go with you. I went to this hour-long meeting. And I'm there with my friend and the last 15 minutes are reserved for sharing your story. And I just talked a little bit about what was going on in my life.
And I just remember people saying, keep coming back, keep coming back. And it was so encouraging and so warm. And what I liked is that they were mostly parents. in the Nar-Anon meetings. And as an older sibling, significantly older sibling, I took on more of a parent role sometimes.
And I felt much more comfortable with other parents rather than with spouses.
And that was… it was a gift. It was a gift to just come and have validation and talk about my experience and have support of the people in our group and to meet people like you.
Oh, thank you. And I think right there, it shows the power of community, whether it's school, work, friendships, a Nar Anon meeting, just having that community, and that camaraderie for people that understand what you're going through is so validating. And I think that goes to show the power of relationships.
Whether they're ones that we're born into or ones that we foster, they play such an essential part of who we are and who we've become.
Dominique: I think that's what's important about having some of these conversations, like the one we're having now, is about reflecting on how some of those challenges you've experienced are so deeply intertwined with what we've been conditioned or brought up to believe unlearning a little bit of some of those ideologies and like moving out of that survival mode.
Dominique: Yeah, we've been, our bodies really hold on to all of that stress and tension and it's like really forcing us to unlearn and get comfortable with the uncomfortable and pushing us out of those comfort zones of ours. And I think it's so encouraging to see you sitting up here, Gillian, and you know, having figured out what you want your relationships and your life to look like.
Because there are so many families, particularly siblings, Who just need some of that hope and to know that recovery for themselves is possible Regardless of what that journey might look like
So I just want to thank you so much for, you know, coming on the show and sharing your story as it relates to you and your family.
Gillian: My pleasure. Uh, I am happy to help others in any way possible as I have been helped. Pass it on.
Dominique: Pass the torch!
Dominique: Thank you for listening to this episode of For Love of Recovery. If you enjoyed this episode, please share the link with someone else you believe will enjoy it too. If you're looking to have deeper conversation around your sibling's use of drugs or alcohol, join our Facebook group, Siblings For Love of Recovery.