My brother is one year sober: What sibling addiction recovery actually looks like (with Justin Dajer)
About the episode:
This episode is for anyone navigating a sibling's addiction, early sobriety, or the complicated road of family recovery.
A year ago, I wasn't sure where my brother Justin would be today, or if he'd make it to his 21st birthday. Today, he's 21, one year sober, and six months into a long-term young adult treatment program. And for the first time, he's sharing his story of addiction and early sobriety in his own words.
We recorded this together during a family visit upstate, and what came out of it was more honest, more raw, and more hopeful than I could have scripted.
Guest: Justin Dajer, sibling and young adult in recovery
This episode will help you:
Understand what addiction actually feels like from the inside — the isolation, the shame, and the parts nobody talks about
Reframe your questions around whether you’re doing enough for a sibling in addiction or recovery
See that recovery doesn't have a timeline, a rulebook, or one-size-fits-all-approach
Episode links
RELATED EPISODE
Watch Now: My brother’s addiction: Learning how to be his sister—not mom
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Dominique: Welcome to FLOR for Love of Recovery, where I'm your host, Dominique Dajer. Sibling relationships can be so unique, but they can become more complex when there's drug or alcohol use involved. If you find yourself questioning how to help, you're not alone.
Dominique: Join me on this journey in restoring hope and healing.
Dominique: Last April, I released the How to be His Sister, not Mom episode, and this past year has definitely put that to the test.
Dominique: I'm very excited to share that Justin is one year sober and it's been about six months since he's been in this young adult treatment program. It's been a tumultuous ride, but it's been one that's been filled of reward and gratitude and learning how to let go of control and allow my brother to experience his own recovery process without people telling him what it should or shouldn't look like.
Dominique: Before recording, I went back and listened to that episode and I could hear the [00:01:00] fear and the shakiness in my voice as I was talking about my relationship with him, but also the fear that I had about his substance use. During that time, he wants to be part of one of our episodes in support of National Sibling Day, which occurs on April 10th, every year. but we both knew that he wasn't in the space to do that.
Dominique: It's especially exciting that for this episode, Justin was able to join and finally share a glimpse of what his experience has been like.
Dominique: We talk about what the past year has been like, what he's learned about the early stages of recovery, and how relationships have played a role in his life before his substance use, and now during his recovery.
Dominique: But instead of me telling you what Justin had to say, let's go hear directly from him.
Justin: Doing a podcast with my sister.
Dominique: Ooh.
Dominique: My family and I are upstate visiting my brother Justin, at this young adult treatment program that he's in. So today we're gonna be doing something a little more of an a la carte filming style.
Justin: Hello.
Dominique: We didn't have the right space to record [00:02:00] anywhere sitting down. So today you're gonna join us as we record in a couple different spots.
Justin: Yep.
Dominique: Now that we're in April, and it's been like a whole year since you've been working on your sobriety, like what are some of the things that
Dominique: you're proud of and what are you most excited about?
Justin: What I can say is I'm proud of getting to be with my family and actually spending quality time
Justin: because I've missed many years of bonding with my family. I'm excited
Justin: to actually experience life, and have a job.
Justin: Get into new things like boxing, going to the gym, you know, taking care of myself like I should have been doing.
Dominique: So obviously we're 10 years apart. Yes. And I feel like for a long time, I very much played that mom role for you. What are some of the situations where maybe it helped or some situations that maybe it hurt and how do you feel like us being siblings now as adults is maybe changing your perspective or like how you see our relationship?
Justin: You playing that mom role definitely helped me. Hmm. Because,
Justin: Well, when I was [00:03:00] younger I didn't feel that way. When I was younger, I wanted to bond more with you.
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Justin: And when I look at it now, like I was bonding with you, but I didn't feel like that when I was younger.
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Justin: But when I got older, it felt good. 'cause I realized, that when we started hanging out and we started doing things, I felt like you were really my sister. Not really my sister, but you, you were, were spending good time and you know, you weren't really such a mom, you. You were showing me the right path and like when we started hang out, I realized that how much you were so smart and intelligent and that I realized like, you inspired me to want to do things like,
Dominique: oh, I love you,
Justin: you inspired me to want to, travel the world. You inspired me to, have a job and do new things.
Dominique: Aw, that's sweet.
Dominique: Were there ever situations where you felt like maybe I was being a little too much?
Justin: Nah, I didn't think
Dominique: you like, you don't think I was ever really overbearing?
Justin: No, not at all.
Dominique: Or did you ever feel like even if we weren't talking, I was still [00:04:00] playing an important role even if I wasn't actively like right there with you all the time?
Justin: Even when you weren't there and I was getting high or I wasn't, even when I knew you didn't really wanna be near me or like get involved when I was getting high, I knew you were still with me.
Justin: Believe it or not, sounds weird. I supported you in a way because, you know, I wouldn't want to be near somebody that was getting high, but I knew that what I was doing was taking a toll on people and that I knew that you couldn't be around it. I knew you would still reach out and that you wanted to hang out with me, when I wasn't high. Mm-hmm. And for me I was high all the time. Everything on my mind was getting high, so it was like, you had a life too. If, you know you did come over, I would be high and it would, ruin your plans.
Justin: And if we did hang out and I was high, I was sleeping, so you know, you had a life out there too.
Dominique: The other thing that's hard sometimes too, is letting go of the control. especially, like I might want to go out and like take you out to eat or do some kind of activity with you.
Justin: Mm-hmm.
Dominique: I would get mad. I'm like, "oh, he's doing it to me." But it's like you're not that you're doing it [00:05:00] to me, it's just that you don't wanna upset me and I know you wanna go out and like go to the movies or go out to eat or do whatever the activity was. Yeah. But it's just sometimes like your mind is in a different place.
Justin: IWI I would wanna do these things, but like, I didn't want to go being sick. Let's say I did go, I know how I would act. I knew that I would make it miserable and keep complaining.
Justin: I would just like, so Sometimes it's like about like choosing the, the lesser of two evils. Yeah.
Dominique: It's like, do I wanna go and be high and like not have a good time just so I don't upset her? Mm-hmm. But then am I gonna upset her anyway if I don't go? Yeah.
Justin: And course, like I would wanna spend time with my sister.
Justin: So I would say yes in the moment, but then when it was time to go, you know,
Dominique: you changed your mind.
Justin: Yeah. Because I would've still wanna go, but.
Dominique: I
Justin: gotta get high first. I gotta go get high, or I was sick, or I need drugs to go. Or like Yeah,
Dominique: there's a lot.
Justin: Yeah.
Dominique: What do you think people misunderstand about addiction when they're not actively using drugs or alcohol?
Justin: Well, I can speak on myself [00:06:00] before I started using drugs. Like when you see somebody that's, for example, homeless, they're going through poverty, whatever.
Justin: You just look at them and you assume that they're an addict. But once I started getting high and, once I was out on the street a lot, I didn't really care about how I was viewed, but I started to realize that people that are going through addiction, you know. It could be anybody. Mm-hmm. Like, It could be people that are like lawyers, for example, and lost their jobs. People that have owned companies. A lot of people that I met on the street they were functioning citizens. They all had jobs, they all had normal lives. And then, once you go through an addiction, you start to lose a lot of things.
Justin: For me it was like when mommy was calling me I know that she wanted me home and I'd be like, I promise, I promise. And it happens like every day. So it's like keep on, letting her down and also, like what I had to do to get money, and like the way I would act. it wasn't normal behavior. I would be very, agitated. [00:07:00] I would be very disrespectful.
Justin: So the first one that you talked about was like feeling like you're letting mom down.
Justin: What would you say is one of the loneliest parts of navigating addiction or the early recovery process?
Justin: It was definitely the shame and it was definitely like being isolated. 'Cause no matter what, I was always isolated whether I had my drugs or I didn't.
Justin: Um, Why do you think that was?
Justin: Well, one, when I didn't have drugs it was like, who's gonna wanna be around somebody that they get high with and don't have drugs. So that's one.
Justin: So it felt like if you had drugs on you, you were a resource, a reason for people was to wanna stay around you.
Justin: Or even if I was with them and I didn't have money, it was like I was trying to use them. Or you were just both trying to get something together. But when you're high, it's not that lonely because you know you don't feel lonely because the drug is, makes you feel better.
Justin: Yeah. With the drugs, it's like you don't really feel anything and you're spending most of your time high. So it's like always lonely no matter what.
Justin: While you [00:08:00] were out there like trying to basically like survive
Justin: did you ever feel like, you had someone that you could count on, besides mom? Did you ever feel like you had a sense of connection?
Justin: I don't know. I wouldn't be, that's a good question.
Justin: Without the drugs, like putting that to the side for a second.
Justin: I felt like these people were my friends. Whether I had drugs or I didn't. I felt like they were my friends 'cause I was always with them and we would still make each other laugh and hang out.
Justin: But it wasn't like a friend where you would have like deep connections with. It was just somebody that you were with. 'cause you guys wanted to hang out and enjoy the time together, getting high, you know?
Justin: But I wouldn't say I had deep connection.
Justin: You know, So how would you say your definition of a friend has evolved?
Justin: All right. So a friend now to me is not somebody that you just hang out with. Somebody that you could rely on that whether like where you're at your lowest point, they're gonna have your back and you're gonna have their back 'cause they're there for you.
Justin: Like no matter what. You don't have to. Like you can [00:09:00] count on them. Like you already know that you know this person's here for you. And it's not about materialistic shit. It's like for me, it's when you're really going through something who's really there for you. That's what it's a friend is to me.
Dominique: What are some resources you think would've been helpful to have, while you were in active addiction that most people don't really have access to, especially as a young person.
Dominique: like what, do you think it would've been helpful to have access to? What kind of resources?
Justin: It's always good to have resources and like knowing they can go places, but that's only gonna work if the person wants to be done with what you're doing. Like stop getting high.
Justin: I don't know about others, but I had to learn out the hard way. I wasn't able to stay into a 30 day program thinking it was too much and too long. But once I got mandated, to this program, like now I know I have to stay in this program.
Dominique: So like having a sense of accountability.
Justin: Yeah. And like me staying in this program. I could easily just count my days and just, you know, wait till my [00:10:00] mandate's over. But I want to get the best of the program and you know, I surrendered myself to the program. I realized that. I do have a problem and I'm not gonna just waste my days and just try to get through this.
Justin: Mm-hmm. I know I need it and let me make the best of it.
Dominique: I talk about this a lot in the podcast that you're in, like a young adult program like adolescents and like people that are between a certain age bracket similar to yours.
Dominique: Do you feel like it made a difference, being around people that are around your age, or do you feel like it didn't really matter?
Justin: I think it does matter. If I was with older people, like, like more like grown adults, I wouldn't feel like I fit. I don't know. It would just be kind of miserable in a way because now that I'm here and there's a bunch of younger kids, I could do younger kids activities.
Justin: I can do things and bond with people that have the same type of interests as me,
Dominique: so that's true.
Justin: Cause when I've been to other programs with adults, it's just not really things to do. It's just watch TV and just groups every day.
Dominique: Yeah.
Justin: So this is, this is better.
Justin: I get to [00:11:00] live in a dorm with them, I bond with them, we talk to each other, watch movies together, do different activities, cook together.
Dominique: Just having someone that you can relate to, like on your level.
Justin: Yeah.
Dominique: When you were like on and off the street or out there, like you're with people from all different ages, but people that were mostly older than you.
Justin: Yeah.
Dominique: I guess, makes you feel like you have more of a sense of connection.
Justin: Yeah. I feel like I could build a relationship with them instead. Cause when you're getting high outside, like you could build a relationship with anybody, you know.
Dominique: That's true. That's a good point.
Dominique: So knowing what you know now, if there's another young adult or like teenager who's listening to this, what kind of advice would you give 'em?
Justin: You know, they're gonna have to learn on themself but by themselves. But like what Daddy always told me, you know, it is always gonna get worse.
Justin: Soon you're gonna build a tolerance or you're just gonna get like tired of it and it's just gonna get worse and worse. It's gonna lead to other things. And what I would say is like always keep yourself busy. 'cause I wasn't keeping myself busy. Hang around with the right people because they [00:12:00] can have an impact on like which way you go in life.
Justin: And just 'cause you're having fun, every day it's goes down, the wrong route.
Dominique: It's like not just about like the short term fun, like it's not just about like having fun for the moment, but also about like keeping yourself busy and like working on goals.
Justin: Like, not just like, yeah, like try
Justin: Yeah. Try to achieve something that you really wanna do in life.
Dominique: Mm-hmm.
Justin: You know, like go to school. Find something you like to do. Try new things.
Dominique: Yeah.
Justin: Me, I like playing basketball, video games, but I gotta find new things to do.
Dominique: It's like you actually get a chance to like rediscover like some of your favorite hobbies again.
Justin: Yep. Definitely.
Dominique: Yeah. Another thing that I'm very excited about, and I think you're excited about too, is that, you're actually going to be graduating high school
Justin: in
Dominique: a couple of weeks, maybe even by the time this episode is out. What are you most excited about with that?
Justin: I Would say I'm excited to get my diploma because now I could get a nice job, start getting that money, I wanna do a trade school. So I working with my hands. Depending where I'm at, I would do landscaping. I would want to do like [00:13:00] hvac and that's just with the trade schools. Even like some musical stuff I would like to try that.
Dominique: Giving yourself a chance to rediscover some new Yeah,
Justin: interests
Dominique: or new hobbies, right?
Justin: Oh, definitely. And working with my hands, construction, like different things. And travel the world.
Dominique: Just like your sister.
Justin: Yep, just like my sister.
Dominique: Getting the chance to talk to him and recording these clips together was not amazing just because I was able to record an episode with my brother, although it was part of it, but because a year ago I wasn't sure where he would be today or if he would actually make it to his 21st birthday.
Dominique: It was very validating to hear that I actually did play an important role in his life because I think for a long time I was riddled with doubt as to whether I was doing the right thing. If I was quote, enabling him and what it actually means to be a supportive sibling, when for so long I felt like a mom to him.
Dominique: It was also so heartwarming to hear him talk about the role that his relationships have played in his life, how his definition of friendship has evolved over time. [00:14:00] How the words that my parents and I shared with him resonated even when I wasn't sure that they were clicking.
Dominique: And for the first time in a long time, it feels good to know that he's just surrounded by peers that are closer to his age and that he's doing things that a 21-year-old should be doing.
Dominique: Listening to him talk about his hobbies and rediscovering himself and his interests felt really good because for a long time it didn't think that we'd be able to experience that with him today.
Dominique: You might've seen on social media that I actually talked about going to Albany with him, his treatment program, and my mom a couple of weeks ago.
Dominique: Since he's in a program that's a nonprofit and they receive funding from the state, it was super important for us to talk about how exactly the program is changing families and supporting recovery, and they're not just another 30-day rehab.
Dominique: It's always inspiring to hear other people share their recovery stories. And what was really beautiful is that every single person I got up and spoke had a very different experience. And that there were no two stories that were exactly alike.
Dominique: As part of the program, all of our families and members were able to talk [00:15:00] to specific state legislators about how the program that he's in has impacted our lives. And at the end of the day when my brother and I were able to reconnect and talk about what we heard and what we shared with state legislators, it felt so good to hear him talk about how he was happy to share his story. My brother's not really one for divulging his emotions or talking about his story, and to hear him say "I was nervous, but I still went up and shared my story with them."
Dominique: That felt good to hear. He also talked about how like once he started speaking, the words just flowed naturally and he didn't wanna stop. And to me that was just a reminder of like all the work that he's doing in recovery and at this specific program.
Dominique: So I encourage all of you to own your stories, to talk about them without shame whenever you get the chance to do so. And to remember that recovery is not a one size fits all approach.
Dominique: And to remember too, that It's not black and white when you're learning how to support a loved one in addiction or recovery. Those things will be different from person to person and family to family.
Dominique: So don't be afraid to try out different [00:16:00] approaches, whether it's 12-step work, going to communities, learning about harm, reduction, whatever it is. Because if there's something that I would've told myself a couple of years ago, it would've been to don't commit to one specific approach. Try them all. Figure out what works best for you, what aligns with your values there might be something that you learn or a story that resonated with you from one of these programs, and there might be another one that worked better for you.
Dominique: Also, keep in mind that it's okay to amend your boundaries if they're not working for you, because boundaries are parameters that we place around our own lives, not ultimatums that we give to our loved ones, hoping that they'll make a change.
Dominique: Because supporting a sibling or a loved one in active addiction or recovery doesn't mean needing to sacrifice your own wellbeing.
Dominique: And if you wanna support your sibling who's struggling with addiction or recovery, this National Sibling Day on April 10th, sometimes just reminding them that you love 'em is enough.
Dominique: Thanks for listening to this episode of For Love of [00:17:00] Recovery. If you enjoyed this episode or know somebody who might, please leave a comment and share it. You can also join our Facebook group, siblings for Love of Recovery. If you're looking to have deeper conversations around your siblings drug or alcohol addiction. And remember whether there's hope, there's healing.